"35 years of prayer couldn't get rid of my homosexuality. My name is Steve and I am an Ex Mormon."

Uploaded by iamanexmormon on Jul 8, 2011






As I watched two buildings explode and crush into pieces on September 11th, 2001, my life began to fall apart. It was the event that shook my soul and began my exit from the Mormon Church. As I sat speechless and terrified watching thousands of innocent people die, I wondered if they had lived genuinely. They were in a situation they couldn't control, meeting the ends of their lives with no choice. Up until that very moment, I also felt that I had no choice. This event shook my brain into a thinking mode as no other event had done. They were in a situation they couldn't control, meeting the ends of their lives with no choice. But I DID have a choice in the direction I would go.

A sixth generation Mormon, named after Jacob Hamblin and John Doyle Lee, I was a select member with a shining lineage. I was destined to received all the temple blessings bestowed upon me throughout my life! But I was just fooling myself. I was a gay Mormon, hiding my true desires in an "eternal marriage" that was soon to come to an end. The thought of it all was overwhelming me. Leaving the Church was certainly the end of my being, my soul. My family would abandon me without question. What would I become? I would surely lose everything. Satan already had a death grip on my ankles pulling me to his side. Leaving the Church meant death of my body and my soul.

But the day arrived when I was so terribly unhappy I actually said it aloud. I would have rather died than live one more day feeling that disastrous inside. And many men in my situation simply end it, Blood Atonement to save themselves from the endless mental prison. But somewhere inside me I knew I could make it through even this trial. Could THIS be my real test from Heavenly Father? Escaping with my life, hoping to create a better life for my wife, my kids and myself? None of it made sense any more. I woke up on my last Sunday as a believing Mormon, my wife took my kids to Church with her, and over the next three hours as they were bored out of their minds, I began researching the Church online.

Without moving from that chair, every single question I had was answered, all my doubts about the strangeness of the Mormon Church became clear, a switch literally flipped in my head so loudly that I almost heard the click. From OFF to ON.

To read the rest of Steve's story, click on the following link:

Views: 400

Favorite of 1 person

Comment by Idaho Spud on July 9, 2011 at 12:17pm
What a great guy.  His happiness is contagious.
Comment by livewell on July 9, 2011 at 1:57pm

Only Way Is To Win Is To Not Play The Game...thank you Steve for speaking out.


Comment by TheLyoness on July 9, 2011 at 2:05pm
What a fantastic video!!!!! I got chills up and down my arms. Loved it, loved it! I am not gay (I am happily engaged to the man of my dreams) but I have become a huge advocate of the gay community since I left the Church and I love seeing a joyous, outgoing man like this feel so happy with life. It is truly sad how the Mormon Church treats gays. Go Steve!!!!!!!!!!
Comment by veiksme on July 9, 2011 at 2:58pm

Steve, thank you! Great video!


Comment by RuthLess on July 9, 2011 at 3:09pm
"You can be happy without the gospel, but you'll never know joy!" Huh, looks like joy to me.
Comment by Carlos on July 9, 2011 at 4:19pm

Hi Steve, I am straight and taught to be a gay hater all my life. 17 years ago I witnessed an attack on a gay child and to this day I cannot forget the eyes of fear on that poor child. Since then I have tried to educate people and teach tolerance. I continued active in church but I always saw myself apologizing and justifying the teaching of GA and general doctrines of the church. It is ironic how the leaders of the church tried to keep secret through their secret combinations their actions in prop 8, and everything was at the end out for everyone to see. I left the church after the General conference in October of 2010. I have to tell yo that my children, my wife , and I will not die little by little each day. Instead we are enjoying each new day of complete freedom and love for life and for people.


Thank you very much. 

Comment by Wednesday on July 9, 2011 at 4:59pm

I am the flip side to your story. That is, I am a woman who became involved with a young man in the church who couldn't admit he was gay. He got out on his own, but not until his bishop and stake president disfellowshipped him, stripped him of all pride, and had him on the edge of suicide. He felt he was in hell until he realized he didn't have to do this any more. He could follow his heart, walk away, and be himself. He got out, and is now a successful lawyer in Denver.

Unfortunately, he didn't explain any of this until ten years after he broke up with me, so I thought the failure of our relationship was entirely my fault. Having him tell me he was gay all those years later did not do anything to help me put my life back together: it was very much a case of, "too little, far too late," and for this, I blame his bishop and his stake president, and those who kept secret the bishop's court actions against him.

In a situation like this, the so-called LDS "authorities" wreck people's lives--gay and straight, male and female--because they don't know what the hell they're doing when it comes to human sexuality. They are trained in neither compassion nor psychology. They are authorities in nothing except furthering their Victorian-age arrogance, prejudice, and a false dogma that began taking form from the moment Joseph Smith's first lied about visions, angels, and golden plates.

It's my hope that, one day, gay men and women -- especially those who have trapped themselves in passionless marriages with the opposite sex that leave both parties unfulfilled -- one day these men and women will no longer hurt themselves, their spouses, or their children because this church or any other part of society forces them to pretend to be someone they're not, to live a life that makes them miserable.

I can only hope that, one day, another woman will never be left in the situation I was left in, and remain in. The damage the church inflicted on this man cut deeply into both of us. How much better would it have been of us if he could have said in the beginning, without guilt, "I'm gay. So you need to give up your dreams with me and find someone else to build your life with." Instead, they taught him to feel shame, and to self-abuse.

He escaped them. I am still trying to heal the emotional damage his going did to me because no one--not him, and not the bishop or the stake president--would tell me what was going on. "You'll be better off without me," is no way for anyone to end a long-term relationship. Thankfully, he only left me. He didn't leave this world.

In conclusion, I can only reach out to anyone else out there who may need help dealing with this sort of emotional damage. This discussion group helped me: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WivesofBiGayHusbands/  . So has counseling. But not enough. Not nearly enough. And the LDS church helped not at all.

Every word you said, Steve, is true. And so are your tears. And so is your pain. I wish you peace, love, and more peace. More than that, I wish you joy, and many hugs, and a time when what they did to you no longer hurts you.

I wish the same for anyone else out there who has ever been hurt by those mean Mormon men in their proper thousand-dollar suits who stand in judgment over things, including sexuality, that they know absolutely nothing about.

Comment by DebbiePA on July 9, 2011 at 7:19pm

An awesome video done by an individual I've never met in person but whom I admire tremendously.  Steve is truly living an authentic life and the joy that bursts out of him is so much fun to watch.  

Thank you, Steve, for making this.  I hope many, many others who are going through what you went through can watch this and see your joy and take those bold steps that you took and find the happiness that you found.

Comment by pollypinks on July 10, 2011 at 6:10am
It still is so sad to me that people are practically coerced into thinking God needs to fix them if their brains are wired in a differing manner than a heterosexual's brain.  That they weren't meant to be perfect creations, loved for who they are and how they are trying to be, decent human beings.  Sexual behavior does not define us totally.  Now, if we were talking about abuse, that might be different, but we aren't.  When my pastor announced last month that the USA Presbytery voted to include homosexuals in pastoral positions, that sexual orientation has been horribly misconstrued scripturally and purposefully often by hateful people, and that it's okay to just be who you are, there was a tremendous sigh of relief from our homosexual population in our congregation.  I'm not going to go to the mat with oober Christians on t.v. who claim to be healed from homosexuality through prayer and discipline.  To them I would say they've somehow (maybe) learned to mindularly (not a word, I know) control sexual impulses and therefore declare themselves hetero.  But what a stupid stupid thing to do to an opposite sex partner, because, we all know, nature will return.  They can't pretend it's gone forever.  And for those who like to site promiscuity from decades past, all sexual orientations have promiscuity, but are more likely to give it up at some point if society treats them as normal and lets them get on with their lives with partners, legally.  I had a few sex partners before returning to the church and going through the temple.  Anyway, I really wish the Christian right would find another subject to bang into people's heads.  This one is getting really old.
Comment by KAF on July 15, 2011 at 9:53pm

Your obvious joy and peace simply spill out of the screen. Love the ending! I was sitting there laughing... From one lgbt ex-mo to another: Yes, we are all FABULOUS! Thank you for sharing your story, Steve.


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