I found my father's journal yesterday. The year of 1994 was my third year in the church. I was a convert in a post atheist country, and I was only starting my journey into exploring the faith.
While reading my dad's journal I felt as if I had dived into water of memories, and after I had come back to the surface of the present, I couldn't understand where I was. It brought so many contemplations. Yes, once I truely believed in the mormon god as the only truth in the world. Now I know one thing: the truth is what you truely believe. So why has this faith in that god gone?
If there is God, He and His principles are eternal. Theoretically the world should be governed by them. So how did it happen that the mormon god is governed by people? Why his principles are constantly changing? Why poligamy was at some time rebuked, and at other time glorified? Why temple ordinances are changed? Why garments are changed? (My idea is that the MG likes to follow fashion trends). Why colored people once couldn't even think about entering temples, and now they are the same "blessed people" as whites? Maybe a black will become a leader of the church one day? And, taking into account how the MG follows peoples' ideas and philosophies, he may as well be a gay.
No, mormon god is not worth believing in. I believe in the Eternal God. His principles are reasons and consequences, love and forgiveness. That what stays in the world regardless of changes in peoples' understanding, perception and acts.
And only now I start realizing what true humility is. It's not following leaders blindly. It's knowing that there is a Power that you can't control. And it's acceptance of such knowledge.