My visiting teachers were just here.  I told them that I would like to be put on the Do Not Contact list.  They were very sweet.  Now I feel like having a good cry.

 

It's part of the cursedness of the church, isn't it?  No clean breaks.  They pitied me, prayed for me, bore their testimonies, pleaded to be able to come by just as friends.  I shared my disbelief and new-found happiness and told them that, while I liked them, I didn't want the awkwardness of visits in my future.

 

In hopes that this will help me to feel better . . . 

 

I want to bear my testimony here that Joseph Smith was not a prophet of God, that Thomas S. Monson is not a prophet today, that the organization which calls itself the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a man-made organization. 

I know that well-meaning people can be greatly misled.  

I bear testimony that the Book of Mormon is a man-made document.

I don't know about God or Jesus, but I feel that, if they are real, they are fine with me not knowing.  I believe in love, and, if there is a god, then god is love and will never condemn me.

To paraphrase the great sage, Jon Stewart, I believe that we are living in hard times, but not in the end times. 

I believe in the overall goodness of humankind and that the world is a beautiful place.

 

These things I have figured out for myself and I say them in my own name.  Amen.

 

There.  Thanks for being here.

 

 

Views: 61

Comment by Xiban on January 26, 2011 at 4:34pm
Hugs...I felt like you when I said to them that I didn't want more contact. It was hard because there were some people in Church I really apreciated ... However, years after that, it is not hard any more:)...more hugs!!!
Comment by Snickers on January 26, 2011 at 5:27pm

I feel for you. Been there, experienced it with sadness. It is part of the disconnect process that is so painful. The sadness you feel is part of you realizing that your state of "ignorance is bliss" is over along with all the connections to people, beliefs, community, identity etc. 

For me, the whole entire process of leaving my faith was as painful or possibly more painful than loosing my father. I went through all of the basic steps of grieving.

Allow yourself to feel those feelings. There is nothing wrong with that. Cry, scream, laugh etc. This is yourself healing. 

At times I cried when it didn't even make any logical sense. Never the less, I cried and felt what I had to feel at that moment.

My thoughts are with you. It's a tough journey to an end that is freedom and peace. Good luck to you in your journey. You have many people here that understand your pain.

Loves to you

Comment by Mending on January 26, 2011 at 5:49pm

Thank you Xiban and Snickers.  You are my new visiting teachers.  I feel your hugs and I feel much better.

I like what you said, Snickers, about the process being similar to losing your father.  I remember when my dad died, how I would go for long periods of time thinking I was fine, then be surprised when something would trigger a re-awakening of my grief.  Now I won't expect to have everything behind me for a long time.  It is good to know that it will get better.

I think that what I felt so sad about today is that I felt like an outsider.  Thank you both for helping me feel welcome here instead.

Comment by pollypinks on February 19, 2011 at 6:35pm
It's like giving away a beloved animal, knowing it will go to a good home, and that you can no longer care for it.  There's trauma for women leaving the female fold and security of the church.  It affected me on and off over the years after I left, and now I'm able to see the good that came from it, as well as the cultish aspect.  Have a good cry every so often, and replace those memories with new ones.  Meditate on beautiful things, take lovely walks, knowing that you need not work your way into heaven anymore.
Comment by Mending on February 19, 2011 at 6:52pm
Thank you pollypinks.  That is heartwarming counsel.
Comment by Idaho Spud on March 29, 2011 at 10:31am
I read one of your posts where you said your children had left before you.  How much do you think their leaving influenced you to leave?  I'm wondering because I told my mother & siblings how I felt 9 months ago, and would like to have a better idea of how much it will influence them.
Comment by Mending on March 29, 2011 at 1:54pm

Hi, Idaho Spud.  I wish I had a good answer for you, but your question is one I still struggle with myself.  I have one daughter who is active in the church and my husband continues to hold a prominent position in our stake.  I am still wondering how much I can influence them.  All I remember from my pre-disaffection days is being in a faithfulness fog, trying very hard to be perfect so I could save the lost souls of my family through temple sealings.  It was the impossibility of that task that eventually led me out of the church, but it was a very dark path from one end to the other.  So my children did influence me to leave, but in an upside down way.  They're disbelief pushed me deeper into the church and once there I could no longer stay.

 

What I try to remind myself now is that the idea of influencing anyone is an unhealthy leftover from Mormonism. Of course I long for my husband and daughter to feel the same way about things that I do, but I keep trying to accept them as and where they are.  I am afraid that hoping for them to change is only going to bring me more disappointment and heartache.

 

Good for you for taking a stand and being honest with your family. Until they see the truth, I hope you find a great community of friends to fill the need for family closeness.  All the best to you on your journey. 

Comment by Idaho Spud on March 29, 2011 at 2:16pm
Thanks for your insights.  Things I hadn't thought of before.
Comment by pollypinks on March 30, 2011 at 9:33am
Mending, are you still having a hard time?  Is it too soon to write to your bishop?  Because that's the only way this will ever stop.  On the other hand, some people do like to visit with church members occasionally, and needn't feel guilty for having social contacts like that.
Comment by pollypinks on March 30, 2011 at 9:43am
I think I left the wrong message at the wrong time, which is something I can never be sure of.  Idaho Spud, your actions will probably never affect other family members.  If we wait for that to happen, we can be in a state of unhappiness for quite some time.  Just learn how to take good care of yourself, and not apologize to anyone for your decision.

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