Do you know what it's like to experience complete mental disintegration? I do. It happened to me, again, last night. You see, the stresses of daily life in addition to the stresses of maintaining a double life, compounded, one with another, and bit me. In this conflagration of the ego, my situation became all too clear; the motives of both parties laid bare in a temporary void of subjective thought. Maybe this is delusional, but no matter, it is how I felt last night. I managed to scribble a few passages of text together in the hours between dusk and dawn to chronicle this hellish journey.
Half of it seems cathartic, as I cannot feel when in such an emotional state. Body and Soul laid bare one before another, subjective thought subsiding and the personal narrative quieting. The other portion; hellish realization of the gravity of my reality. I mustn't forget the catalyst, the compounding of stresses. See, my parents have a habit of yelling at me and only me when certain chores aren't completed in my absence; why this happens, I have no idea. They accuse me of being irresponsible, even though I maintain high grades in school and pay my bills. They expect me to limit the amount of time I spend studying, so that I might ensure that the house remains spotless. Last night, I cracked, and steamed throughout the house while performing my tasks.
My mother confronted me regarding my attitude, asked me why I accomplished these tasks with such an 'angry spirit,' as she put it. I explained to her, that I've been overworked and overstressed by their yelling, demeaning accusations and demands that I spend more time cleaning the house than completing my studies. Needless to say, she didn't respond positively.
She accused me of being selfish, not thinking of the needs of my overworked father, not accounting for her needs nor my sister's needs. That my not cutting back on schoolwork to 'support the family' will have dire consequences. I explained to her, that it isn't the chores that tire me, but the constant barrage of negative comments towards me. This she denied and accused me of fabricating the treatment. She said "I don't know where this anger is coming from, this isn't you, this isn't the child I raised. Who are you associating with? Are you doing drugs? Whoever you're associating with is turning you against us. Telling you to disobey your parents."
She's shown her true face again. The last time I had the misfortune of seeing this face was last year, upon my confession to them about my disbelief. This is what she does when she has no means to justify her actions; she adopts a mode of emotional extortion. It's when I see this face that I realize; she doesn't 'love' me, as normal parents love, I'm an accessory. I, along with my father and siblings, are notches in her ladder to "Eternal Salvation." There's nothing wrong with her, she's faithful and obedient to the Church. The problem, must be within YOU.
"Anger doesn't come from god." She says, to which I respond "How am I supposed to feel when I'm constantly yelled at?" She repeats what she said with an addendum. "You can control your emotions. You make the choice to be angry." There it is, the accusation, "you're what's wrong with this family." At this point I'm in tears, she thinks she's broken me, because I'm agreeing with her, however only verbally. Inside I'm doing it just to get her out of my room, so I can fall into oblivion without being seen. Because at this point, the fact of her aversion towards me cannot be clearer. She's an emotional extortionist who invokes the name of religion in an attempt to control me; a skill deemed useless in light of my disbelief.
I don't know which path I should take forward, other than the path of absolute caution; a path which drains massive amounts of energy from my tiring body. I do not know where to go, nor how to arrive there with my sanity intact.
In my torment I've found no savior, in my thirst for freedom I've found no oasis.