THE THIRTEEN ARTICLES OF FAITH Mormons Believe But Are Afraid To Tell You

I saw these on PostMormon.org and had to share them here.

THE THIRTEEN ARTICLES OF FAITH Mormons Believe But Are Afraid To Tell You

1. We believe that if we are good Mormons who marry our wives in the Temple, when we are resurrected, we become Gods. We get our own star and have lots of sex, so we have billions of spirit children. If we are lucky, we get more than one wife. Our firstborn spirit child becomes the Jesus to a planet we populate. We get to make an Adam and Eve for each planet. Then they (that planet's Adam and Eve) start making physical bodies for all our spirit children.

2. We believe God was once a human just like us on another planet. He was a good Mormon with his own Jesus and his own God. He was eternally married to a woman from that world who became our Heavenly Mother. God and Heavenly Mother got their own star and their firstborn spirit child was Jesus. Above God the Father is God the Grandfather, and above him, God the Great Grandfather, and it goes back forever.

3. We believe Jesus, the Holy Ghost, Michael the Archangel, Satan, all humans, and all demons are spirit children of our Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. We all lived together in the Pre-existence with God near a star called Kolob, God's first created star. One third of God's spirit children took Satan's side, got thrown out of Heaven, and became the demons. The rest took Jesus' and Michael's side. Michael became Adam and the ancestor of us all.

4. We believe the body of Jesus was created from a sperm of God the Father's. The Holy Ghost put that sperm in Mary's womb, and the embryo of Jesus was created.

5. We believe the Bible has been chopped up quite a bit. A lot of good stuff has been taken out, like the books of Jasher, Ahijah, Shemaiah, Iddo, and Jehu, and the Laodicean Epistle by Paul. There is also the story in Genesis about Enoch and his city, which was taken to Heaven.

6. We believe the Book of Mormon to be Scripture superior to the Bible, because the Bible has been changed so much from when it was originally written. The Book of Mormon is a history of two Jewish Indian tribes, known as the Nephites and Lamanites. They came here about 600 BC. The Nephites were mostly good and wrote the Book of Mormon on Gold Plates. Jesus visited them shortly after his resurrection. In time, the Nephites became pretty bad, and were wiped out about 400 AD. Moroni, the last Nephite, buried the Gold Plates in a hill in New York.

7. We believe in three heavens. The highest one is called the Celestial Kingdom. God the Father, Heavenly Mother, Jesus, and all good Mormons and children who died before they were 8 will live there forever. The middle heaven is called the Terrestrial Kingdom. It is for good people who did not want to be Mormons. Jesus and people from the Celestial Kingdom can come down to visit, but God the Father and Heavenly Mother cannot. The lowest heaven is the Telestial Kingdom. It is for people who were pretty bad, and spent the whole Millennium in Hell.

8. We believe people who did not get a chance to become Mormons in this life can become Mormons in the next life. Mormons get baptized for dead people in the Temple. This will go on in the Millennium until every good person who wants to become a Mormon will get a chance.

9. We believe the only people who stay in Hell forever are Satan, the demons, ex-Mormons who criticize the Church, and really, really bad Mormons who would have killed Jesus themselves if they could have gotten away with it.

10. We believe those of African descent are descendants of Cain, through Ham's Cainite wife, Egyptus. We believe they could not have the Priesthood because they were less valiant in the Pre-existence.

11. We believe we no longer have to believe what dead Presidents of the Church believed. We don't have to believe, as Brigham Young did, that Adam is God the Father, or that Jesus was a polygamist, or that gold grows. We don't have to believe, as President Joseph Fielding Smith did, that we would never make it to the Moon, or that those of African descent cannot receive the Priesthood until Abel has children on another planet, who get the Priesthood there first.

12. We believe a text which was proven to be a 4th century BC Egyptian funeral text, which has been translated by many Egyptologists, to really be the Book of Abraham, and that Joseph Smith's totally different translation is the only true one. We also might believe the Kinderhook Plates he translated to be accurate, even though they were proven to be a hoax, or that he knew he was being tricked, even though he translated part of them.

13. We believe whatever the President of the Church says is true, even if it contradicts a dead President of the Church, or even if it contradicts history. Our salvation depends on us sacrificing our intellect to the President of the Church, and its General Authorities.

Views: 521

Comment by GIORGE LUIS LORIA on March 24, 2009 at 11:37am
this is well shame ...for the mormons of course ....love it .....it takes just one book of biology and a proper mind to discover the fallacy of religion and this Re-writen fabula of catholism ,,,the mormons provably pay the pope a good amount of money to have a franchise in america ...

JLL
Comment by Alexey on April 22, 2009 at 5:19am
hahaha
This is the best explaination of what mormonism is all about that I've heard so far!
thanks)
Comment by Johnny on April 2, 2010 at 9:12am
I especially like #12. BoA evidence is the smoking gun proof that Joe was making stuff up.

Think of the mental gymnastics a TBM has to do in order to make all this church dogma fit. It's no wonder Mormons are depressed and feel 'peculiar'.

imo - The next ten years are going to be increasingly difficult for TBM's to hold on to their faith.

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