The Family—A Proclamation to the World (An Update)

This was revised by "Of The World" and originally posted here.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World (An Update)

The First Presidency and Conmen of the Twelve Pustules of The Church of Latter-day Saints The Church of Christ The Mormons The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Ah Fiddle Sticks, call us The Mormons)

We, the out-of-touch, aged, white businessmen, attorneys (and one really bitter not as rich product of the Church education system) of the …umm, who are we now? oh yes, The Mormon Church (but don’t forget we have Jesus Christ in our official name just so you know we really are Christians), solemnly, yea even in the very name of He who died a bloody, violent death (please refer to the General Conference talk by the head Pustule, Thomas S. Monson for all the gory details),proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman (or women – wink, wink) is ordained of God, the guy who was once as we are: worrying about paying bills, dealing with teenage children, taking out the garbage, etc., but who now sits up in yonder heavens on his throne, Joseph Smith by his side, on planet Kolob from which the sun borrows its light, and that the family is central to the Creator's (did it in 7 days too, pulling pieces from other planets with dinosaur fossils on them, just to test your faith, because there were no dinosaurs or any other living thing on this earth before Adam and Eve) plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God, who is not really androgynous; we’re speaking in higher spiritual terms here when referring to both men and women being created in his image. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, (but we don’t talk of our Heavenly Mother because she is so very special and sacred), and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. And by the way, if you don’t feel your Heavenly Father’s presence in your life, your Heavenly Father who loves you so, so much, you just aren’t doing enough, sinner! But we digress. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. And we’ll plant electrodes into the brains of anyone who thinks he/she (no, not a 'he/she' – hermaphrodites don’t count -- we meant he or she) is confused about their eternal identity. You really can overcome your evil tendency towards homosexuality if you try hard enough. Let us help you. We love you.

In the pre-mortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father (you called him Big Daddy, you knew him so well) and accepted His plan by which His (we capitalize ‘He’, ‘Him’, all those words referring to God just so you know how much we revere Him) children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection (and just how far along that road to perfection are you, you slacker) and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life. All those poor people who were born into extreme poverty and horrific conditions in those backward countries were not as valiant as the rest of us; their skin color attests to that fact. And their suffering in this life is necessary to make up for their lack of pre-mortal valiance. Isn’t the plan of salvation a wonderful thing? The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred (not secret) ordinances, covenants, hand shakes, oaths and tokens, derived from the Masons, available in holy and quite expensive temples (so keep those tithing dollars coming) make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God (after Joseph Smith gives his okie dokie) and for families to be united eternally. Yes, even with that brother in law you hate so much.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. Evolution is a teaching of Satan and his minions; trust us on this. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. Continue to pay your tithing and your ability to financially support all those children you are commanded to have will be magically taken care of. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman(or women – wink, wink), lawfully wedded as husband and wife, wives, whatever. Sometimes God sends an angel armed with a flaming sword to convince reluctant prophets to secretly wed and mount teenage girls and other men’s wives. This too falls under the “lawfully wedded” category.

We declare (too tired to “solemnly” declare this time) the means by which mortal life is created (sexual intercourse in the missionary position, preferably with garments on) to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God's eternal plan.

Husband and wife (listed in order of importance in God’s eyes) have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children, as long as husband, wife and children continue to pay, pray and obey, otherwise toss them out on their apostate asses. And notice we said “solemn”; don’t be having any real fun with each other. "Children are an heritage of the Lord" (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live, because we are a world-wide religion, not a parochial Utah religion where we spend billion of dollars to make our own surroundings really, really nice.Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations, and for any unlawful discharge of their seed.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman (do we have to tell you what goes here) is essential to His eternal plan, which requires that a man have many wives (hey it’s God plan, not ours – we’re just revealing it to you).Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. If you think you’re happy following any other path, well then you just don’t know what true happiness is. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities, where you can wear sandals if you so choose, but ladies, keep yourself covered up anyway. (Toe cleavage is so hot. But we digress). By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. Note we say “primarily”, leaving some room to interpret that a woman can go and find meaningful work outside the home without feeling like a complete and utter failure (but we’d still like you to feel some guilt and reevaluate your priorities). And fathers, try and do some of that nurturing stuff too once in awhile. And in these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal (hysterical laughter – sometimes we crack ourselves up) partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. (Yes, for those of you lacking in faith, death may require some adaptation). Extended families should lend support when needed.

We warn (if you could only see our stern countenances now, you’d know how dire this warning really is; damn -- we should have “solemnly” warned) that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring (unless you have sufficient rank within the church and then we’ll sweep it under the rug), or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets. (Have you noticed all the recent earthquakes in diverse places?)

We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society, or else we’ll come find you. We know where you live. Don’t make us march on Washington and save the Constitution which is dangling by a thread. We’ll do it. You know we will.

The original proclamation was read by President “I-Don’t-Know-That-We-Teach-It” Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Views: 184

Comment by Casey on May 16, 2010 at 11:34am
I love your posts... :)
Comment by Kathy on May 16, 2010 at 11:37am
Awesome! HAHAHAHA, love it.
Comment by Phoenix on May 16, 2010 at 5:20pm
I wonder why Utah is the Prozac capitol. Hmm.
Comment by Cali Murphy on May 17, 2010 at 3:48pm
Funniest thing I have read in a week (and I read a lot). ha ha ha
Comment by Phoenix on May 18, 2010 at 6:29am
FYI- I had to forward this to a friend and she thought it was hilarious!
Comment by Tracy on July 26, 2011 at 3:47pm
That was great. Thanks!


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