More and more frequently I feel lost. When I was a Mormon I was sure that the church was true. I did have my nagging doubts, especially when it came to: forgiveness, the eternal regression of gods, and how exalted beings with physical bodies make spirit children. However, despite my doubts I knew it was true. With this knowledge came the surety of my own damnation. I knew I was going to hell, to suffer for my own sins and then be sent to the lowest degree of glory. I had a firm grasp of the torment laid in store for the unrighteous and unworthy, yet the love and forgiveness of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ seemed fake. Even if that love and acceptance were real I knew they weren't for me.

From my baptism on I had this nagging feeling of being unworthy. I felt I shouldn't have been baptized at eight, I did not deserve the Aaronic priesthood at twelve, and the subsequent ordination to Teacher at fourteen. Finally I had a breakdown just barely after my 15th birthday. This is what shook my belief in the church. My family, which were loving, but firm when it came to church attendance backed off. I became inactive and eventually the doubts in my mind grew. My inactivity began to cause me to doubt my firmly held belief in the “true church”.

The summer of 2010, after my senior year, was when I became more involved in researching theology and the origins of the earth. I especially was taken in by Young Earth Creationism. It seemed convincing. I was enticed by the showmanship of Kent Hovind, conveniently ignoring his brief anti Mormon tirades. Deep down I still had a soft spot for the church. At this point in time I felt that parts of it may be false but it was mostly true, at least it was the best church on earth. But soon after, I found out that Kent and his son Eric Hovind were absolutely full of crap. This was the beginning of my transition to atheism. The sites debunking the Hovinds lead me to information debunking Christianity. Being Mormon I knew that much of Christendom was wrong. But when the arguments turned from the silliness of Catholicism or Protestantism to the problems with the core tenets of Christianity I began to lose the last of my Mormon faith. I soon realized that the divinity of Jesus, the authority of the bible, the atonement, and living prophets did not make sense. Once these realizations struck me I knew I did not believe in the church.

By the end of the summer of 2010 I knew that I was an atheist. I knew that god did not exist, this was my new truth. I knew that the three degrees of glory, eternal life, damnation were lies, and I was much happier than I had been. I dove into the YouTube atheist community, read books by Hitchens and others and often found myself thinking of the flaws of religion in general and Mormonism specifically. As time wore on however, I began to have my doubts. One of the common arguments by apologists of many denominations is that atheists really believe in god, but just deny him. I thought this line of reasoning was nonsensical, but I am becoming more doubtful. Now I am unsure of my atheism.

I still get the warm fuzzies in my chest on occasion when I hear about the church. When I am alone with my thoughts I have the same old fears of damnation and the lingering question, “am I wrong?” My rational mind reminds me that I never worry about whether or not the Pope is the Vicar of Christ. I never wonder if Muhammad is the prophet of Allah. I never worry about confessing Christ and becoming born again. Rationally I know the flaws of Mormonism but I cannot banish my fears. If I am wrong and I live in sin then I know what the consequences will be. What if there is a God, and I am in rebellion? As of writing this I am an atheist, but I am becoming more doubtful. I don’t know where to go; I don’t know what to believe. I am still haunted by the old ghosts of my upbringing and I cannot exorcise them. 

Views: 88

Comment by Tx Davey on December 21, 2012 at 10:09pm

Thanks for your thoughts.  The church was started by a convicted con-man, need I say more?  I'm there with you about the God delusion.  Atheists want complete facts, and Hitchens is a genius at pointing out the joke of religion.  I am agnostic (secular humanist) right now.  I still hold out for a uncoditional/loving God, because of my study of near death experiences people have, and the life changing experience it is for them. I don't consign God to religion at all.  If there is a god he does not exist within religion to me, and he could not be judgemental.  How could he send us here to the screwed up world, blind, and then expect us to find some ultimate true religoin, and turn or mind off as we give Jospeh our wife in polyandry?  No, if he is uncoditional loving then he could not expect us to apologize, rather he would just be interested in expressing that love and inviting us to be healed by him and brought to pure knowledge/light.  And when i die I fully expect to meet some kind of power or experience the mystery of the Creator, and he/she/it will ask me "so....what did you think about life?  Tell me all about it while I tell you all about what happens next".  In my observation, God does touch people occasionally with love or inspiration.  The problem is that people feel god, and create unsanctioned/unplanned religion in response, not all do this but I think you get my point.   Check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNbdUEqDB-k

Anyways, I feel your pain.  And sympathize with what you are going through.  Take care

Comment by Bar Kokhba on December 22, 2012 at 4:31am

Nicholas,

If I die and the Mormon church turns out to be true and I am off to Hell, I'm going to ask for one conversation with God and say "Seriously"  that's the best you could do and all the people on earth were suppossed to figure out which one of these rediculous religions was correct.

 If you apply logic to religion it evaporates.  Even as a child growing up, I never could make sense of the need for Christ to be tortured on the Cross, so I can be forgiven.  If you think about it it makes no sense whatsoever.  Not to mention that the earliest story of Christ dying on the cross makes no mention of the ressurection. The second story takes it a bit further, but still no resurection.  It isn't until the third story that it comes into play.  Also, whenever they didn't like a gospel, like the gospel of Judas, they changed the story to make him the bad guy, by saying he betrayed Christ. 

I understand that you and I still have those fears somewhere deep inside and I doubt they will ever leave. Those idea were planted in the mind of children, it's hard to extract them from the adult mind. I rarely  have those fears now, but when they do come I think of the absolute absurdity of it all and it goes away.

Devil Bar Kokhba

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