not a good night...random thoughts.

Why am I so unhappy sometimes? I’m bored out of my mind. I keep trying so hard to be a happy person. I do not feel like I am living the life I was meant to live. I hate living in Clermont…boring. I hate being home so much. What kind of life am I meant to live? A creative life. A life where I reach out to people. A life where I involve my kids in community and culture. A life where I have energy and have fun. A life where my husband is the same…fun and initiates fun. An organized – easier life. Why do I have such a hard time? There is so much to do and take care of. Me, Chris, the house, the kids, the dog, the fish, the plants above the kitchen sink, the cars, and now my toilet is clogged. There are bills and letters and school records…mail this, call that person. CLEAN. CLEAN. CLEAN. The minute I clean something it is messy again. My house stinks like a dog! I am so sick of the dog. I’m sick of letting her out or reminding Zach to let her out. I’m sick of feeding her and having to make sure she is loved. I’m sick of her licking me and jumping on the kids. I love my kids more than anything. They deserve a better mom. A mom who has her shit together and keeps her own damn room clean. A mom who doesn’t get overwhelmed at the drop of a hat and wants to run away for a day or two. I want to go hiking. If I could run away I’d go hiking somewhere with fresh air….and a beautiful lake…and no bugs. I’d hike and picnic and swim all day. Sit by a fire at night and just look at the stars and read books about space and earth and people. I wish I were a vegan. Or at least a vegetarian. I wish I could run. Like wake up early and just run. I wish Chris understood me more…I wish he were inside my brain. I shouldn’t need him so much. I’ve used him as crutch all this time…in almost every way possible. …that the second he isn’t there for me to lean on I am lost and I can’t stand myself. I was never allowed the opportunity to grow up. I just had to be one day…or at least pretend like I was. I hate pretending. I hate that right now Chris is probably sleeping and not up sick worrying about me…cause that’s how I’d be if he were sitting at Starbucks alone right now and I was at home with the kids. I hate the way he looks at me when I break down like this. Because I must be crazy if I am not happy…because he is so god damn happy. He can be happy anytime anywhere. Why can’t I just be like that…God life would be a lot easier if I were like Chris. So why am I so thisish. Why can’t he understand that I need more…of what who the hell knows..but more than this. And maybe that doesn’t make me crazy. I want to have a meaningful that I love and care deeply about. I want to be creative and make people say, “wow.” Chris constantly makes me double think my talents and abilities because he never says “wow.” Why the fuck do I need someone to say “Wow” to validate me? Stupid I know. I want to be around people who are smart and fun. I hate that I depend so much on my blind as bats family. They infuriate me with their ignorance and judgment and super glue hold they intentionally keep on me. It doesn’t matter how unhappy I am… I sooo badly want to say “Fuck you! I’m living my own life. I’m moving to New York or wherever…I’m gonna sip espresso and eat tiramisu and I’m going to Whole Foods during my God Damn lunch break to eat vegan food!” My family won’t even let me be vegan God Damn it. I live in this town that consists of HWY 50. “Where is it?” “Off 50.” I don’t even have friends and I want some so bad. It’s been a long time since I had a real friend. I feel like I have a wall…a literal wall that blocks me from doing all these things I want to do…from being all these things I want to be. It won’t even let me scrapbook or paint a god damn picture or even take out my camera and shoot. I feel like every day I am staring out over this wall….I can see this whole other me living a life and smiling…as I sit in my life…in my room…in my house….watching…and wishing. I am told that if I can’t be happy here and now I will never be happy. Because happiness is not something you can try to achieve or find. Does that mean if I get these things I still won’t be happy? This question alone makes me very unhappy. I love Chris and my kids more than anything. I just wish life was easier and more fulfilling. I wish we could get away from this place and these ignorant people. I wish we had things to do and places to go and people to see. I wish we had just enough money to pay bills and go out to eat every night because I also hate hate hate cooking. I just hate thinking of meals and planning breakfast, lunch , AND dinner…and cleaning up after each of them. My doctor prescribed Wellbutrin. Haha…let me just add numbness to my boring life…then I’d fit in great with the other people here in Clermont. Pills are not for me…Starbucks is. I guess I’ll take it one day at a time. And continue to try to find the good in each moment. It’s easier said than done.

Views: 27

Comment by Simplysarah on September 19, 2009 at 7:28pm
Wow, what an honest post. Our lives are different, but I can relate to what you're feeling. Thanks for sharing!
Comment by MikeUtah on September 19, 2009 at 11:11pm
Wow, I missed this post from over a month ago! My DW could have written nearly the same exact post. Not sure that helps but at least you can know you're not alone. Hang in there. Now, this moment, your current situation, isn't forever. The only constant in the universe is CHANGE. If some of your dreams are currently unreachable, that doesn't mean they always will be. You are still young. Your kids wont be toddlers forever. Keep moving forward, one day at a time. Good luck. {{{{CYBER HUGS}}}}
Comment by Cristina on September 20, 2009 at 1:11pm
Thanks for your comments. And you are right. Since I wrote this I reread the book Eat Pray Love. It had a huge impact in me (again) but even more so this time around. As long as I keep recognizing my dreams and doing what I can to get there...I'll get there. In some other dimension...I'm already there (which is the cause of the pull I feel towards it). That's why they say happiness is a journey...I'm on the path...and always will be. Sarah I don't know if you've read it but if you haven't I highly recommend the book. Micah I am sure you and especially your wife would love it as well.
Comment by Xiban on October 5, 2009 at 3:53am
Hola Cristina. Sé cómo te sientes. He tenido esos sentimientos en el pasado.. No sé qué decirte, salvo que busques la paz interior, que parendas a disfrutar de ti misma, que te quieras más y que no dejes que el entorno te influya tanto... YOU ARE YOU.

Did you understand my post??. I wrote in Spanish; so you can practice...have a good day!:)


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