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Right, branded on my brow.
Wrong, printed on my mind.
You see. The seed is in me.”

--Front 242 06:21:03:11 Upevil: Religion.


Mid 2006 is when the walls came down.


I definitely made mistakes along the way, but in hindsight they were
the mistakes of the overzealous and intellectually dishonest
(that's my description of me at the time, not pointing at anyone
else, since now I am an 'individual' this is my story). I let
what others think dictate my actions. But in the end, the actions,
my mistakes, are/were my own and I own them.

I was 'born in the covenant'. Seminary grad, rarely missed church growing up and
rarely still do. I was True Believing Mormon through and through.
Family home evening never consisted of actual family meetings,
but religion and politics were just the average topics of home
when I would chat with my brothers. By the time I finished high
school I felt that I knew all the doctrine and had shocking
indoctrination into all of the faith promoting rumors. I was
the Morality Police and Word of Wisdom taliban. I weaponized the
theology to be used on the girls in my school and other people
and followed the rules to the letter. I missed my junior prom by
enforcing my own moral code on myself, “No way am I going to
the Prom and risk being in close with a girl”. So I put up
an arrogant front at all times and was a complete cocky jerk.
The hotter the girl,
the more derision I projected at them. (Not that I could have dated her anyway..but I was the hero of
my own story...) This of course led me to be the judge, jury and
executioner in my minds eye when I projected my belief system onto
others, as is the case with most religious zealots. Various
personal experiences that I attributed to the doctrine even led
me further down the belief rabbit hole, though now they can be
logically explained.

Pre Mission
Summer before my mission was the best summer of my life. Got in better physical
shape than I already was by working out all the time, working hard
at my job, and just enjoying life completely oblivious and
carefree. Friend to everyone, and hair grew out to hippie
proportions, and since I am the most drug free human I know, it
was thick and long and I got more than a few compliments about
it. I loved it as well to be honest. One thing I noticed now
in
retrospect, that was the one summer I never really paid attention to the theology. We had the internet in our apartment
and low and behold, Pr0n! ('Porn' for those out of the 'know') I
am sure I have an addictive personality since my father was an
alcoholic until I was born. (My mom ultimatum ed him and he gave
it all up cold turkey. I am super proud of him. I grew up in a
very
loving environment even though he had an authoritarian streak at times.) So I about died at how hot the female form was
and I kind of kicked myself for treating them so bad in high
school. Then the guilt set in. (Oh NOES! Naked chicks!) I ended
up dating, during a fantastic make-out session I felt up a date's
boobs, went to the bishop in self loathing and confessed. Then
was given a 6 month sentence for it, no sacrament. Then I messed
up again, 18 ½
and felt boobs, confessed to the same charge again, “Dog returning to it's own vomit, yada, yada..” and
was given a year. Though the 'bar was in the process of being
raised', and I hadn't 'fornicated', I went out on the mission at 19
½, not too conspicuous in terms of 'worrying about what the
culture thinks'. It was more of an, “Oh, he is probably just
saving money since his parents aren't rich...” And I was
saving money, so I didn't kick myself too much. Dated a girl
who turned into my girlfriend. It became her life's mission and goal to
get me on a mission. It worked.

Bought my mission clothes and had saved enough for a couple of months of my
mission, but my mom and dad worked their guts out to pay for the rest
of it.


Put in my mission papers. Met with my 'home ward' stake president to
be greeted with, “If you plan on going on a mission, repent of
your sin and cut your hair.” That took the wind out of my
sails, but I am far from thin skinned in terms of letting anyone
get me down, I was too busy doing it myself to myself. Yet I still
kick myself for letting myself give away my power by letting his
words cut into me and to begin what I noticed the changing of my
happy go lucky attitude.
So I took approximately 8 inches off the length...baby steps, ya know :), so it was close to my
ears and I gelled the heck out of it to raise it higher up and went
back for round 2.

“That's not a missionary haircut!? If you plan on leaving, you cut your hair, you must start being a
missionary now.” So the hair came off. Got my calling. By being
so exposed to the Book of Mormon growing up and paying attention
to all the lessons and internalizing them, I really had a solid
grasp of the Book of Mormon, I knew all the doctrine and where
to find things, but I never had the actual storyline since I
never read it completely cover to cover once. So three
weeks before MTC, I figured I better get the storyline down as opposed to
just the theology. I will admit, the build up in 3rd Nephi
rocked my world. From the believers being threatened with death
if the signs didn't appear to the descending of Jesus amongst
the Nephites, I was blown away and it all clicked.

Served a mission 97-99. 1 week into the mission and my transformation
was complete. I became the taliban personified to a degree that
put my highschool persona to shame. In a matter of 7 weeks I
went from completely happy go lucky to completely authoritarian.
RULES come before all else. SAFETY in the rules. SUCCESS in the
rules. IF you can keep the WHITE HANDBOOK SCHEDULE for your
entire life YOU WILL BE SAVED NO MATTER WHAT. The theology took
on a reality that I look back on in full fear at what I would
have
done had the prophet given the order of anything else aside from missionary work.

I was in the MTC throughout Christmas season, mid November through December. We heard many
prophets and apostles speak. During one meeting, I am not sure
exactly who it was, It may have been the MTC President who
spoke. Either way, the gentleman received a letter from a
mission president in South America. The letter stated that 2
missionaries got abducted
while tracting and a man held a gun to one of the Elder's heads and screamed for him to deny his
faith. The missionary stated he would not, the man pulled the
trigger then ran. The bullet entered the missionaries head and
somehow it was deflected from penetrating the missionary's
skull, but instead followed a curved path under the skin around
his head and came out of the back. The missionary, though
bloodied, survived relatively unscathed with bruising and only
puncture holes from entry and exit wounds. We were all in shock. In
my
mind's eye I thought, “I am immortal...bring it on world.”


Behind the rules...I was an empty dead shell. I was
completely miserable...especially when others weren't keeping
the rules as good as I was. Then I looked into the mirror and it
hit me, as if my bottled up depressed subconscious was just
begging to bring me back, “This sucks..this isn't living. I am
a complete jerk and I love rules more than people.” Now even with
this realization, I then had to figure out...how do you love the
people? My only outlet
was to still keep the rules, but at least I figured that the white hand book was exactly that...a
guide only.


Needless to say my trainer and other senior companions could never be
good enough in my eyes. We never tracted enough, we didn't pray
hard enough, they didn't speak the language good enough, or try
to strike up conversations with random 'fellow family members of
God' enough, or felt “Godly Sorrow” for the people enough. I
looked to all of the above reasons as just extra tic marks on God's
Master Excel SpreadSheet in preparation for my judgment
and
damnation. I drove myself insane.


Then President Charles Didier shows up at a zone conference /
mission conference...and then lays into us about how ineffective
we are. Then he gives us 'techniques' on, well..for lack of a
better phrase to describe them, 'used car sales'. He says, “When
you approach an investigator be confident and hold their gaze.
Then hold out the book like this..” he holds the Book of
Mormon resting on top of his left palm while holding the edge
with his right hand. He
continues, “Then, when you present the book and they see it and reach down to grab it, give it a
tug! This is something you don't just give away, this is
sacred! Then, when they are surprised at your slight pull back
they will look up at you. That moment of eye to eye contact is
when your spirit can communicate directly with theirs and then
you bear testimony, 'It is true!'”. (I still can't find scriptural
backing in this tactic working, but hey, when you are making it up
as you go...why not!)

Though a zealot, I had a sense of humor...it's a family thing that was ripped from my psyche
during my MTC zealot days since 'light mindedness' is evil and that's
all I was before I got to the mission. My only coping mechanism with
the behind the scenes guilt I had no idea how to define, was
destroyed by the temple...but I'll get to my thoughts on the
temple later. But, at this point, my humor somehow slipped
through.. The next day we met up with some
missionaries at our favorite restaurant for lunch, “Pass the fork..” I
presented the fork in 'Didier' fashion. He grabbed, I tugged,
then he looked at me kind of miffed like “What's the big idea,
moron.” Then I said, “It is true!” The tiger was unleashed
and from that point on testimony was born over all commonplace items
that needed hands for exchanging. (Another reason for damnation on
the spreadsheet tally...) A slight tug on any random item would
then trigger the now Pavlovian trained response and the Elder
would instantly swivel his head around and bring the face within
mere inches of your own, eyes staring, locked into a mental vice
the savviest of Jedi would envy, then you had your opening...“This
sock is true!”. (Which...when you think about it...the sock
is tangible..and serves a real purpose...so that is a true
statement! The socks, forks, spoons, backpacks, coats, and
everything we used as a joke, in hindsight, are literally true
as compared to the mental system/maze we pushed onto
people.)

Later in the mission, I delved into Joseph Smith's teachings after I memorized my discussions in the language since
I was allowed to finally have study time outside of the
language. The Teaching's of the Prophet Joseph Smith by Joseph
F. Smith. It blew my mind. Then I read 'Answers to Sundry'
questions where he denies polygamy. The polygamy thing always
ate away at me. Well, I took the answer at face value and said,
“SEE! They LIED about him! It was all 'ANTI-MORMON'
propaganda.” But still I knew that Brigham had
matter-of-fact
practiced it...but I guess since it wasn't Joseph I could use the 'out' of “Well the church is perfect,
yet the people are not, and since Joseph denied
it's practice...that's the way it was regardless of who said
otherwise.” I even found a copy of the 27th wife in one of the
local universities...didn't read it since it was for sure all
fabricated ANTI-MORMON literature.

Then I read the strongest, most powerful piece of theology I could ever
read. Joseph Smith was able to bridge the divide and justify the
contradictions in the bible in this sermon. It blew my
mind. “God said, “Thou shalt not kill;” at another time He
said “Thou shalt utterly
destroy.” This is the principle on which the government of heaven is conducted
—by revelation adapted to the circumstances in which the children of the kingdom
are placed. Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it
is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after
the events transpire. If we seek first the kingdom of God, all
good things will be added.”

I didn't have any of the back-story or context, but it didn't matter, Joseph was most
definitely a true prophet.

Every door I knocked on and got turned away became an “OH NOES!!!11!!ELEVENTY!!11, I and they
are going to hell for I wasn't able to present the perfect door
approach. I am a failure!” moment. Day in and day out. (God's
“You're damned, here is the proof, spreadsheet was being
ticked off nicely...)


Anytime a missionary wasn't focusing on the people or teaching at all times
the people, my 'Godly Sorrow' for the gentiles was destroying my
mind and eating me alive. “WE are their ONLY HOPE and we are
WASTING IT!!! Their damnation will be our curse!!! We are going
to be damned for all the souls we didn't save!” AAGHHHH!!!
These impressions and thoughts coursed through my mind at all
times.

I beat myself up in my own head as much as I beat up everyone else in my own head as well. I read John 16:33: “These
things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.
In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I
have overcome the world.” Also, I then read in John 3:17, “For
God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but
that the world through him might be saved.“

Why, then, was I feeling so depressed all of the time and inadequate; that
God himself was going to come down and shove me to hell for my
pathetic performance? (Still pulled off 6 baptisms...one I am
aware of went on a mission and converted 13 as well, so at least
my downline is true...:)


But yeah, I remember even writing a letter home (paraphrasing), “All I
am doing is learning a language, this feels like an extension of
high school with some of the people I am surrounded by and it
seems that there is no unity at all and we are accomplishing
nothing. I should just come home and put the $325 you are paying
for me to be here to better use going to school or something.” I
was a mental wreck. But there was always the lingering thought,
“Satan is trying to sway you! Of course! Yeah, that's
it...Satan!”...

I ended up as district leader and branch president in a new area. We started with 1 member and by the
time I left we had 13 people showing up regularly. My greeny
came in and we taught an investigator all discussions and I gave him
the baptism. I got a phone call out of nowhere. I thought it was just
a typical call. It was a female...and she had started to read
the Book of Mormon! I set up an appointment and she turned out
to be shockingly hot! And I am sure I will still burn in hell
for all of the late night phone calls in a foreign language, but I
began
to dominate the language. (ProTip: You really want to learn a language? Get a native girlfriend...) From then on my
greeny was miserable the whole time out until I finally
requested a transfer to get out of dodge in the event things
got crazy. Funny how the dichotomy of lust and zealot in
religion can somehow feel justified and how it works so well
together...and I did justify everything at this point, my mind
was such a mental maze of guilt. One of my friends in later years
commented to me, “I thought it was interesting how for a year and
half
your letters were explaining how Joseph Smith was so awesome, then abruptly, to make a complete 180 degree about 'Hot
Chick'.” (The women were scantily clad in country enough for
me to still appreciate the female form.) It now reminds me of
all the Evangelicals, Priests, and Republicans who are fighting
against homosexuality just to inevitably be outed for being part
and parcel of the lifestyle they so desperately condemn.

So I call Mission President, “Uh..I need to be transferred. We tracted
into a lady and it's getting bad. I gotta get out of here before
it get's worse. I haven't kissed her or anything, but we spend
way too much time together and it will get out of hand shortly.”
I had even went to the American Consulate and got papers and
began to research how to bring someone to the states.

To my shock, “Well, can you make it just 2 more weeks?”


“Uh...wha!? Huh!?...uh... Yeah...uh, I think I can.” And I did! Woot! In an
interview with my President later about it he asked, “Well, do
you love her?” How do you answer that!? I nodded in the
affirmative. I think my mission President had a subconscious
hatred for the males in that country and secretly wanted us all
to take the super hot women home and away from them. After that
interview he made me zone leader.

Marriage

Million more stories, but I'll leave with the following. I was the missionary
who made fun of other missionaries, “You are going to end up
going home and marrying the first chick you see...” Just like
the closeted Priest, Evangelical and Republicans who rage
against the gays while partaking at the same time themselves in
that lifestyle, I married the first person I met. 3 weeks home I
pretty much found myself engaged. She was beyond chaste and
during the courtship and make out sessions I slipped one evening (it
was past 12:00 midnight...Satan was in full force:) ) I grabbed
her boobs. Well, in her minds eye there went our temple marriage
and our recommends and what would our family do when they find
out we are Ex'd!? She was in complete freak out mode. I was a
bit concerned myself since 'boobs' had put me on hold
for a year and half myself. We also had already sent out wedding
invitations and it was coming up in less than a month! So a trip
to the bishop was in order to confess. '6' months flooded my
mind. Everyone would know...we would be humiliated. (Humiliation
is a fantastic passive aggressive threat tactic to keep people
in social/cultural line.)

Bishop: “Well, you are to be married in a month...do all you can to stay clean.” He
counseled her.

Then to me, “And you? Do you feel ok in the eyes of the Lord?”


Uh...I was waiting for the '6 month' sentence..but I was so shocked at him
kind
of saying, “Well, it's between you and him...” that I just said, “Yeah..uh..sure.”

Bishop then brings out the 'triangle'. At the apex of the triangle is the word 'God'. Then
in the bottom left corner of the triangle is the word 'Man'. Then
in the bottom right is the word 'Woman'.

“How can man and women come together on this triangle?” He asked. (I immediately
thought, “Straight shoot it across the base!”)
“He then said, “If you try to come straight to each other and do not
include God, it will be empty and joyless, and you will not
have lasting happiness and most likely your marriage will fail.
You may have temporal happiness, but without God, it can't
continue on into the eternities. So you both must work as hard as you
can to come close to God...notice how when you do that you both
become closer to each other? The nearer to God, the nearer you
both come together.”

(Does the polygamist see an octagon presentation?)

So in my opinion, she settled for the first guy who 1. showed interest, (though she
is super pretty as it is and I was surprised she didn't date more..)
and 2. break through her mental purity psyche yet still take her
to the temple. She was 24, return missionary, and I was 22,
freshly returned missionary back to where the church was just a
little more 'truer'. It was a match made in LDS'dom heaven.
Later I figured it out, whether she agrees or not since in my reality
I am right, that she felt completely pressured by the 'system'
to get married. 24!? Oh
NOES!!1111!ELEVENTY!11! Your time is running OUT! So though I can be considered in the bottom of the
cultural caste level and she was super above me in terms of
lifestyle growing up, I charmed her into settling.


Before the marriage we were in my hometown visiting. We ran into
‘Stake President’.
I hold her hand to him with the ring, “We are engaged, Sir.” (I never call or called anyone
‘brother…so and so).



He responded immediately in his authoritarian voice, devoid of empathy
and happiness for us, and inquisitively enquired, “Which
temple?” You had to have been there to fully appreciate the
look on his face and the way he said it. My ‘weakness in
writing’ doesn’t do it justice.

We kept our hands to ourselves from then on and on our target wedding invite date we
got married. Woot.


Life

Now you can read the rules all you want, but until you actually get on the court and
dribble the basketball you aren't going to be a great player. So
regardless of the 'Pr0n', I had no clue what I was doing. Well,
honeymoon night after the 'moment'. She's in tears, “I think I
hate sex”. A fear like no other entered my soul. My eternities
literally flashed before my eyes.

How are you to know if you are compatible or not? It's literally a lottery. You do all you
can to be chaste and 'pure' and in 'theory' you 'learn together'.
Well, if I were in a vacuum, I would have agreed. Though we were
both 'virgins' (some may argue I am not due to my transgressions
of boobs and porn) we 'in theory' should have been able to
'learn together'. But I am not living in a vacuum. I also feel
that the incessant guilt she felt over our make outs and having her
boobs
grabbed ruined her psyche and she carried the guilt into the marriage. I own that. It's my fault that I ruined her
to that degree.


What I do not own is the following contention and I lay it at the feet of
the LDS Church and organized Churches in general: When you are
raised where it, sex, is sooo evil, wrong, vile, impure, horrid,
abhorrent, “I would rather my son come home in a casket than
unclean”, licked cupcakes, “Die protecting your virtue than
being raped” etc. the sexuality is obviously stifled and there WILL
be problems if one or both of the members in the relationship
take that language, culture, and social more's seriously. And
she did. And I did as well, obviously.
But in that environment the more ‘devout’ and ‘pious’ of the two
parties involved in the relationship will take lead and sway and
dominate the relationship. She ran the show.

Then the question enters... “OH NOES!!111!!ELEVENTY!111! How long can we
lay here without our GARMENTS ON???”. The church comes between
you in bed. But 'the Church' is set up by GOD therefore Church =
God. So God is watching us in bed...So for the first year the
'system / culture /theology' made it's way into our marriage.
She began to push me away. I am male. God created me and for
some damned reason I have a sex drive. I have a sex drive
regardless of how evil it is to let my little factory manufacture it's product
that I have no control over. I just do. So it was a massive case
of consistent, “I'm tired. Not tonight's.”

It even got to the point that she would make it a point to say, “I
slept lousy, I am still tired” when she first woke up...that
was her 'sign' to me that I shouldn't even ask later that night.
So I didn't.



Well, 9/11 happened and to overcompensate for my high sex drive I
delved into politics. (Hell...is 1 time a week a high sex drive?
I dont' know... but I guess it is and I am a bastard for wanting
it that many times.)


Sex was still a problem, but politics at least took my mind away. I most
likely should have been doing love notes, etc. But I weaponized
affection to a degree as well. It became a script. At first once
a week only. “Same bat time..Same bat place, and of
course...same bat way!”. It then turned into months. I was
as strong as I could be. Then after the first year I broke and
checked out Porn online. Then, what seemed out of nowhere, those
revelatory geniuses in Salt
Lake began the crusade on Pr0n. So my wife is now filled with 'Oh NOES! Is he!?' So one time
when she acquiesced from her chastity throne to appease the
beggar, I mentioned to her, “Hey, what if we tried....” She
explodes, “WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT!!??!?!?!?!? WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT IDEA! YOU LOOKING AT PORN!!???!?!?” So I am laying
there in bed..she is sobbing uncontrollably. I had betrayed her.
And like the good HONEST (Suck
on that Joseph) soldier I said, “Yes.”

Her world view shattered. I was it's destroyer. So her coping mechanism is, “Hmm..it must be SEX
that makes him interested in Pr0n. He betrayed me and I am hurt.
I will withhold intimacy from him..so the less ‘sex‘ the
less desire for ‘Pr0n.’.” (I applaud the attempted logic,
but it just doesn’t jive with me. I will explain further below.) So she
makes me agree, borderline covenant, with her that I will never
look at it again. I am not proud of the fact that I looked at it
myself either, and am reeling and self loathing myself for I am
the scum of the earth doctrinally as well. Temple covenants are
now broken in her mind and mine pretty much as well. She owns me
from that point on. She owned me completely theologically, socially,
and
culturally, she was justified in her mind, the mind of the church / 'system' / and as well as in my own mind for I had
betrayed her that I was the guilty party. And I was. I looked at
porn. I own it. It's my fault. She held her ownership of me
by maintaining her perfection while I was fallen.

The relationship just gets worse. She is more intimate and attentive to
the 'internet search history' button as opposed to her own
husband. I am hollow and a shell, but I always put up a smiling
face and attended to my callings though the 'spirit' was
basically gone according to her feelings towards me. I know I
could and should have done a million things differently to be a
better husband. But I am going to church, fulfilling my
callings, working full time, school full time, (I told
myself..even if we didn't have kids..I would not allow her to
work...for my dad had made my mom work the whole time I was growing
up and I was never going to fail in that regard.
Well...marrying, and discovering that the better half had this
piece of plastic called 'credit cards' really put the hurt on us
when she broke the news that she missed a few of her payments. Me,
a typical product of public education, therefore not a clue about
finances or
interest and not understanding credit, I say, “Oh..babe, it's ok..we'll be fine.” As of this typing we
still carry credit card debt. Though only about 3 payments
left! Woot!)

So she got her sex and validation: Shopping and spending. Since I came from the 'new school' of “You treat
her like a queen”, as opposed to the 'old school' of “Shut
up and get in the kitchen... you submit to your husband, get naked
and brace yourself.” I interpreted ‘new school’ as
meaning, “She is never wrong, if there is a problem, chances
are it's your fault since you are the base male. The church
makes good boys men and bad men better. (or however that phrase went)
You support her, and let her do what she wants and live how she
wants,
you are to just make the money and provide.” (I am way laxed anyway, and I do want her to be happy, when she was
happy..I was happy, or so I thought I was anyway) Couple that
with the next 8 priesthood conference sessions that worked their
magic on me. I looked at porn in the past...I was damned for it,
my wife lost all hope and trust in me and any hopes or dreams of
a sex life that had any meaning or connectivity between us were
dashed and lost.

Now I did put on some weight, she did as well, post marriage weight...or whatever. 2004, I took a job
where I worked outside, I sweat like crazy, dropped my junk food
and ate more protein. Even eating isn't a neutral thing anymore.
“You are eating too much protein! You will die! Your kidneys
will malfunction! You are breaking the word of wisdom! OH
NOES!!” The church invades literally every aspect of your
life. Literally. So I am in pretty rocking
shape again. So I look at myself, “Wow, am I ugly? no. I most likely SUCK like crazy
in bed!? Well, when it's less than 5 times in a years span...how
could I really know? When it is completely scripted and one
way....hers, I couldn't make an educated decision. Somehow we
had our first child. The stork? Osmosis? Asexual reproduction?
Well, the child looked like me...so I will own him. :) Super
good looking kid.


Then I after I graduated school in 2005 I took a completely stupid job. I
felt misled after I took it, but it was too late and I didn't
research it out fully. Somehow another baby came along. Cutest
little girl evah! My wife ended up being forced to get a job to
keep us afloat and we ended up putting the kids in daycare while
we both worked. I was a massive failure. I then came up with
a business idea and I tried to run with it. It failed miserably.
She resented me from then on that she had to work and miss her
daughter growing up in her baby years and not be at home. I
mentally destroyed myself too over it. She was able to spend
more time with our son growing up in his baby years, but being
our daughter it was particularly hard on her to miss it.

In 2006 I joined, at the time a right wing blog renowned for it's
researchers and critical thinking, me being the logical and
impassioned type I fit right in and we were in all out assault
against Islam. I read the Qu'ran. It is misogynistic, brutal, and
full of death and fear tactics and overt threats via Mohammed. Not
to mention they are modern day polygamists along with the FLDS
and allowed up to 4 wives. (In some cases they are allowed
more...)

To keep my mind off of sex, I would join the chorus of bigotry online, though we did our best to focus on the
theology and not the muslim followers. Woot. Then we became
brutal fact checkers. You brought up a topic, opinion, idea and
you couldn't back it with proof, you were destroyed by the
commenters there. We became fantastic researchers and critical
thinkers on all the issues. Then the admin of the site turned
his sites toward creationism. The masses howled in pain that he
could betray their world views and wasn't a 'true conservative'.
I
didn't care either way and survived the mass bannings. The site became more intellectual and less emotional. Prove your
assumptions by facts and history and you had nothing to hide or
be afraid of. So I then employed my critical thinking skills and
applied them to my own worldview. I can no longer be a Republican
or a Democrat. Then I applied my critical thinking / fact
checking skills to the LDS church and religion in general. There
are a lot of consistencies with biblical teachings and Islam.
LDS and Islam are WAYYY too close for comfort in a lot of things
Pre-Manifesto for my liking. But all religion is quite BS
anyway.

Sex still was a problem.

Still, in terms of sex, denied, and denied...and denied. Anytime I would
touch her body, or her arm while we laid by each other she would
start off, “Have you been looking at porn?”... That's a
MAJOR turn on I tell ya. So she weaponized the sex and I know
for a fact she was ashamed of me as her husband. Well, she had
every right to be. Her judgments were validated every Sunday
and every 6 months at conference as well as every time she got
with any group of
women. The evils of porn was topic number 1 in her peer group. Then she would do random ‘Gotcha moments’
during our days at home, “Hey, how is the porn thing?” Just
out of nowhere and at random. That’s the true glue that cements
a relationship I tell ya.

Then 4 out of 5 of my best friends are divorced starting at this time. Hey, the women won on their
technicalities. (golf clap...bravo.) They held to the rod of purity,
while their perverse sex fiend vile husbands were left to forage and
fend for themselves. I mean...hey, you don't need sex...it's
just a luxury and to indulge, let alone enjoy..god forbid, is
evil and sinful and vile and
abhorrent...right? The men couldn't survive in the relationships they were in when the sex
was systematically removed due to the wives discovering porn on
the computers. The wives then turned into (if it's even possible) a
larger strain of religious fanaticism and turned to falling on
their knees in prayer...when in REALITY they should have been
falling on their knees...but not
for prayer. (Sorry...I am a base jerk.)

My world view was rocked when they split up and I freaked out when I saw my exact same relationship in them as
well. I started analyzing my life. I delved into the church
doctrine to make up for my evil sin. I prayed, payed, obeyed, and am
so programmed that though I don't believe in it, I still read, pray
and pretty much am exactly the same person I was in terms of
'works'. I decided I wanted to write a book. Polygamy still ate
away at me...but then I
started secretly hoping it was the real deal. On a scale of 1-10, my 6 years of sexual intimacy at
that point could be labeled a 2. 1 being the lowest rating on the
scale. So I am thinking...dang, polygamy HAD to be true. These
women own us men. I mean, in 2002, I sat through 12 weeks of
church followed by a priesthood conference and in each meeting
D&C 121: 36 and 37 had been read every week. All topics,
literally from 2001 up to NOW consist of guilting the evil man
to death. My priesthood had been “Amen'd” on all
fronts. Everything I did, I was sure the spirit was grieved and
I was to blame. Anytime my wife was upset, it was my fault for
not being an adequate priesthood holder.


I then realized that outside of the church, I had NOTHING, literally
NOTHING, in common with her. But you can't tell, for your lives
are so invaded and dictated by the theology and you always are
doing church dictated things together that you really can start
believing that you DO have a lot in common. Good ol' Spencer and
his destruction of 'true love' where he basically states that as
long as you both are religious and strive for perfection you can
make the marriage work. Sorry, but I hate 'work', I
want..'joy'..or even settle for it‘s lower pal ‘happiness‘?
Is that allowed?

Then in 2006, researching for my book, I began reading the history of the LDS theology and discovered
all the contradictions and lies. Joseph Smith HAD been a
polygamist. I said to myself, “Well, it was justified in the Old
Testament, he most likely had a sex drive, and Emma hated sex.”
I was 100% justifying polygamy by projecting the situation I was
in back to Joseph Smith. So I became obsessed with the topic. It
actually gave me a modicum of hope at the
same time. HE WAS HUMAN, not just a perfect prophet without parts or passions, as
opposed to the current sanitized man that speaks from the conference
podium. (August 2010 as of this writing..:)


Then I read Rough Stone Rolling, and then my jaw hit the floor. He did
what with married women?! Wow. Then I saw that my favorite piece
of literature in the church, the 'sermon' Joseph Smith gave on
the contradictions in the Old Testament and the New
Testament...really ended up being justification for polygamy in
order to not be considered an adulterer, and to authoritarian
guilt his way into sex to get a piece of Nancy Rigdon. The woman
has all of my
respect. Then Joseph and his threatening Helena Mars Kimball's salvation if she didn't comply was beyond
the pale. I was sick to my stomache when I realized the way he
practiced it and the way it was meant to be had nothing to do
with each other. He set up a system to get sex and to justify it. I
couldn't believe it and I didn't want to believe it. So I
didn't, because I wanted sex just as bad as he did.

Then the guilt would set in for thinking about polygamy and I was
obsessed with the eternal perspective. I freaked out, because I
knew that the 'same spirit' in you here, is the 'same spirit' in
you there. My sex life was to be hell for eternity. But
POLYGAMY!!! That, sadly, gave me HOPE! (How messed up is that?!)
Then I would freak out even more...”What if it's WRONG!? What if
the church is a fraud? (I had doubts of course after all the
tripe I waded through)
What if I get to the other side and I am not CHOSEN for it since it's such an evil and perverse
desire; have more wives in hopes that 1 out of 30 are at least going
to tolerate 'sex' and take it for the team. (I projected my wife's
sexual outlook onto everyone else..I was depressed for no woman
can possibly like sex. No woman is comfortable sexually, no
woman enjoys it. If you do
something outside of 'set sexual pattern' you are going to hell for being perverted and
disgusting. So I coined the phrase “Married Celibate”.) Or worse
..there IS NO OTHER SIDE and you are missing OUT on the one chance
of happiness you got!?...

Back to my sex life, “Gosh..-sigh-, hurry up and get it over with.”. (I have a testimony that
nothing is more horrid than 'obligation sex'. With every fiber of my
being I can tell you that you basically come away feeling like a
rapist since you know she is doing it for nothing more than her
'wifely duty'. Feeling like you raped your own wife? Good
grief.)

2008 and I got a job overseas. It was fantastic. I felt like: 1. I was the provider. 2. She had two maids and a
driver and 3. Most importantly she could stay home with the
kids, and not work, our daughter was 2 so there was still time to be
salvaged between mother and daughter! Woohoo! I was making
solid money and we could pay off our debt. This has the makings
of a fantastic turn of events! WRONG.

And of course...she then became depressed and miserable.
She
wasn't able to be with her mom like she wanted or her family.
And sex, if possible, got worse. She spent and bought and
purchased her way out of her depression and then it would get
worse when our bills came due. She was miserable, though she had
literally all the free time in the world. I would have killed to be
in her position, but I was working upwards of 60 + hours a week
at times to get this project I had been hired to complete off
the ground.


I had 2 callings in the church. And she had been called also. It was
tough at times for the language barrier. But in a couple of
months I figured out a lot of phrases and began to pick it up.
After a year I did quite well in conversations so I was ok,
though I never studied like I did for the language of my mission,
but she was completely isolated in her depression and chose to
not try to assimilate or learn. She did have a group of other
American women to associate with, but when it's forced and not
chosen they weren't the type that she would choose to hang out
with so it was really hard on her.

My life became work, working out at the gym we had in the condo, and swimming with
the kids and going to church. To make things worse, I worked the
nightshift since I worked on an American schedule. So on weekends
I would try to force my body to switch to daylight to spend time
with the family, but after 3 weeks it messed my system up way
too bad. So weekends became me and my xbox 360 at night, and
browsing online. By that time I had studied enough to know the
church wasn't what it claims and I had really began to
emotionally divest myself of it. But 31 years isn't easy to get over in a couple
of moths.

Sex became even worse, and I got sick of it. I looked at porn again. Then at about 2 in the morning I heard the
door open from behind. Of course, I was using a new browser and
I moved quickly to 'x'it out of the screen...but 2 tabs were
open, “Are you sure you want to exit out of both tabs?” Thanks a
lot Steve Jobs... So I get busted. She is crushed...again.
Shocka. This time I hold my ground, “I am sorry, I am a sexual
person, if I don't get it from you, I will get it
from somewhere.”


It was the first time she realized that the 'church' couldn't be her
first, last, and only line of defense...but she had no way of
dealing with it or even know how to rectify it. I wanted sex.
But sex was evil..how could she comply? We had a massive
argument, not the only one, but this time it was the most pointed and
I was the most blunt. I had received oral sex in the 9 years of
marriage less than 10 times and even then it couldn't be
considered 'real' in my mind..just a teasing pretend that
quickly transpired into me doing what she wanted...same ol',
same ol.

She was in freak out mode. Porn was now at the front, back, sides and middle of her mind from then on. I made
some friends with the management of the company and I told her I
would spend my time out with them and not online at all, or I
would just play the xbox 360 on weekends. (every hour or so during
the evening she would burst from the bedroom in attempt at
'catching me'..but I just played. Call of Duty and many others
are such good games...thank you Bill Gates.)

This worked out for a good while. Come to find out the 'management',
though married, were not LDS and didn't care about their
fidelity at all. I hung out with them, but never did what they
did.


So I started to read books on weekends and during my free time. Two
moved me to tears. 1984 by George Orwell, and the other Atlas
Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I did enjoy the 'validation' my political
conservatism was looking for in them, but it was the
dissertation and philosophies on sex that moved me to the break
point. I cried for hours when Winston in 1984 described the
relationship between him and his first wife Katharine: 'She had
not a thought in her head that was not a slogan, and there was
no imbecility, absolutely none, that she was not capable of
swallowing if the Party handed it out to her.' (Part 1, Chapter
6, pg. 67) Katharine hated sex, but insisted that she and
Winston should try to have children for the Party.” The way
Winston describes his encounters with her...he knew she wanted
to enjoy it...but her mind had been
completely bent to big brothers will and being who she truly wanted to be was an
impossibility. But every Thursday no matter what. (Every THURSDAY
and Winston is crying about it! What a wuss! That's like...once
a week! I wouldn't have known what to do and would have been
ecstatic and beside myself!)


Then in Atlas Shrugged, and the relationship that Henry Reardon had with
his wife Lillian and then with Dagny Taggart and
Francisco..etc.. Just the concept of giving yourself, wholly,
completely, and willingly just because you can and it's what you
want. That was so foreign to me. But in LDS...you can't. You can
only do that for God. He is always there and always between you.
Ayn Rands philosophy about sex. (A million opinions on the
subject, but I made my own and it fit my current world view at
the time quite well...well enough to break me to tears reading
the book.)

I opened up a Facebook account to keep in touch with friends in the states. Immediately I had a lot of local
friends and employees on my account as well as a lot of
stateside. One local 'friend' proved to be extra 'friendly'. Even
though I was a married man, it was beyond flattering to be
perceived as an object of affection. So we chatted and
chatted.

Well, the company paid for the flight to let my wife and kids to go back to the states for a month and half to
see family. I had my 'friend' come over the next day. You can't
imagine...black lace bra, black lace panties...I made her leave.
I sat there alone in my condo contemplating the abyss of hell
and eternal progression in tears. For 3 hours I sat against a
wall on the floor blubbering and convulsing in tears, weeping
and 'gnashing of teeth', literally. (See the church is true!
They nailed it on exactly how your torment would be!
Sarcasm
people.) The hardest and longest cry of my life. What would happen to my family ties and my children? I would
never see them again, ex'd, no more eternal unit, no eternal
burnings for me, just outer darkness ...ad infinitum. Then the
contrast...living an eternity of invalidation. Living an eternity
where I am the beggar, begging for scraps from Longshanks table.
(Braveheart). Living an eternity where 'joy' is exactly there,
yet never to be had. Our walls were built, we are just not
compatible. Either way, I don't know how I made her leave, but I
did, ..just to have her come back the next day...same thing. I
made her leave. I still had polygamy thoughts via Joseph going
through my head and I invited her back the next day. Finally I
said, “Enough, I am making this choice.”

I failed. I own it. It's my failure, no one else. I knew how to talk to her, I
knew how to push her buttons and I am the guilty party for
inviting her over. The first night after, I sent her home and I
cried for 10 hours straight, there was no path of return I
thought. It was over. So now I had to figure out how to be there for
my kids. Easy, be Joseph Smith and lie.

Wife called me that day, “Hey! I am so worried...I had the worst
dream of my life. You cheated on me. It was horrible.
You didn't? Did you!?”(maybe Lehi's dream wasn't BS!)

“WHAT!?” (Faux-righteous indignation) “No way! You are crazy!”
“Ok..well, I am just worried now.”
“Oh my gosh..you are crazy, it's ok.”
“Ok..love you. Do you still love me?” (that phrase became the theme from then
on out)
“Of course! Gosh, silly! Love you.”
(Enter Doc Holliday, “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.”)

She worked where I did, and literally nothing but work, food, sex during random times,
places, and locales, and laying in each other's arms and watching
TV and eating out.

Sad, but life had meaning again. I was happy. I was. It wasn't just 'happy' it was beyond it. To
have someone who prided herself in her sexuality and aimed it all at
me. I hated garments as it was. So the first time I saw her on the
bed, black bra, black panties, voluptuous body, jet black
hair... I, in some bout of herculean celibacy, turned her away,
but the moral is that the LDS woman can't compete. They just
can't compete to something like that. Garments are meant to
repress and destroy the sexuality in a woman, this woman held nothing
back and I drank it all in. Swam in it. I felt more appreciation
and validation by her more in one night then I had felt in 9
years. She just wanted sex and enjoy it. She didn't need the
'spirit' to prompt her it was ok.

I agree you can't base a relationship on sex alone, but I know I am to be with someone
where sex is more of a priority than just 10 minutes every
other month and immediately shove the garments back on.


So she [my wife] flew back. In my mind I wanted to play the 'polygamist'
role and say, “I
truly love them both, there is obviously room for both, so I'll just keep it quiet.”, but, I don't see
how that can work. I resented my wife to a degree, but more than
that I felt a deep seated angst at the church for destroying in her
what could have been something truly amazing and unifying. But
she was so conditioned and doctrined to believe sex was an
abhorration that she carried it into the marital relationship.
But can you blame her?

LDS LifeCycle: Born. Baptised. Church, “Sex is evil wrong, be wary! Don't date til 16 and
only then groups..marry RM, evil sex, bad sex...” Date.
Now President Oakes, “Oh NOES! The youth actually are OBEYING
our council...uh...start pairing off! No more groups!” (Damned
if you do..damned if you don't...) Find partner. Get engaged,
“Be CAREFUL! ETERNITY IS ON THE LINE!!!” Pray, Pay, Obey.
Temple Marriage and literally after one 'yes' later: “Where
are the KIDS! BIG FAMILIES!”

Sounds great..uh..but that requires sex.

Though we fought and fought and argued over it the 9 years, I was intellectually honest enough to not demand
her to be who she wasn't. You can't change someone. You can
force something, but they hate and resent you for it and I knew
I would never force her to do or be what she didn't want to do or be.
I do know there are some of the “old school” patriarchal
bastards out there, “You will submit to your husband”
types..but that is a Pyrrhic victory in my opinion and how they
can look at themselves in the morning and be happy inside is beyond
me....(this coming from the adulterer (see Doc Holliday quote
above)).

For the next 8 months I lived the lie. Kept it secret. I told myself, I will NEVER ask for sex from her again.
It's not worth it, if she is interested she can ask now. So
then, after I stopped asking, immediately I was the bad guy for
deviating from the script, “I am worried? You don't ask me
anymore!?” Yeah, I was the perfect glutton for punishment:
Chinese definition of insanity, “Keep doing the same thing and
expecting a different result.”

I said, “I am done asking. I am beyond tired of being shoved down and having it thrown into
my face. I am now pre marriage in sexuality (Hypocrite I was, I had
more sex in that 8 months than I had in 9 years...) and I am not
going to ask you for it again. If you want it? Fine, by all
means know that I am willing to comply. I just don't have it in
me to continue being rejected, after 9 years I have learned my
lesson. You win.”

She said, “Well, I am just weird.”


I said, “That can't be the only reason. I doubt it, but I am going to
ask anyway. Were you abused growing up?”

She said, “Oh no! Never.” (My BS detector agreed, I would never suspect that to
be an issue also.) She continued, “I don't know..I just have a low
sex drive, I guess.”

I said, “Ok, I can agree with that. I can even respect that.”

So of course it then removed me emotionally from her. Why do all the necessary things, why
add all the necessary ingredients and then go through all the
motions to baking a cake, just to be forced to longingly look at it
and never actually eat it? So I stopped the cuddling, the hugs,
the off handed touches throughout the day that she used as her
validation. I had no validation from her and no way was I going
to bother anymore. So we had the perfect business
relationship. We were companions, hang out people, parents in agreement to raise
out 2 kids. But what she couldn't figure out is why I was pretty much
happy that way.

She asks me a lot, “You still love me?”

Yes.”


“Do you?”

Yup.”

You aren't going to leave me?”

Nope.”

Contract ended overseas after a year and half. I'm still the liar, and
hypocrite. I am doing all I can to be with my kids and am
playing the 'church game' to be with them. I still don't ask for
sex. It's been over a year and a half and I think I 'initiated'
2 times in that period. First 'initiation' was met with rejection
again. So now that we are stateside I tell her we are going to
go the Bishop.


Her words, “But what will other people think if they find out we see
the Bishop!?”


Then it hit me. “We gotta get counseling for this.” I said. “But...my
parents, and people, I am worried what they'll think.” She
returned.

“That's exactly the problem. In all of your thoughts “I” mean nothing. It's only what “They” will
think. So of course..sex is evil..what if the neighbors knew we had
it. You are so worried about what the neighbors think. I am done
with them and their opinions on righteousness. This is us. You
must think in terms of me and you.”

She agreed, finally.

In her mind the Bishop is her authority figure. I was hoping to get him to say, “uh..hellooo? You are married...it's
OK?”


We sat in front of him and I just said, “I hold the church indirectly
responsible for our intimacy issues. I can't 'prove' it
empirically, but I feel she has carried the cultural guilt that
she has received from the people who are part of this institution
into our marriage. All of the teachings on how evil and bad sex
is before marriage can't just be pushed aside after the temple
marriage 'yes'. So now she has 2 conflicting ideals in her head
and can't resolve them. Sex is
bad...but you must have sex for kids..”

“Well, you are married. It's ok to have sex.” He said. (Kudos to him for that.) Then to get control of the
dialogue he said, “Well, I am just curious if you had any
preexisting expectations on what intimacy should be like before you
got married?”

'preexisting expectations' was the codeword for = You had a porn problem, right?

I said, “I am from a family of all boys, absolutely we used coarse language,
and had base assumptions on various things. I have heard and
told bad jokes. I admit it. As a pretend Alpha Male, I do have a
high sex drive.” I continued, “My contention is that Joseph
Smith was the only Mormon at his time if you think about it who
was a 100% product of 'Mormonism' when he had his visions directly
and was given the intelligence and knowledge to restore the
church.
Then he spent the remainder of his years growing it and keeping outward dogma and external ideals from infiltrating.
He spent most of his time putting down false traditions. But
after his death, in my opinion, they infiltrated and all the
'personal opinions' and ideals of others were given free reign. One
of those is the idea that the more you 'deny' yourself the
'holier' you are. I reject that. We are here that we might have
joy. We are told to bridal our passions, not destroy
them. When you bridal something, you keep it in check and under control,
you are able to guide to the correct path, but once on that path
and in the right conditions you can gallop at full speed.”


Then he says, “Well you can't gallop forever.”

I said, “I wouldn't know...I rarely get to ride let alone gallop.” (Now I just
turned my wife into a horse....geesh. I am a jerk.) “I can't
tell you what she was taught during her Young Women's classes by
her teachers. I don't know who she associated with growing up.
But I can say that from what I can deduce, it's partly her home
life and partly her religious upbringing.”

Bishop, “Well, I've never noticed any of that, the way you describe it.”

Me, “I mean, her family is honestly the most sanitized group I have
ever met. Sexuality, the topic, we all know that in that home
it's an unwritten rule that 'sex' is completely taboo to be
brought up in that family. No one will, and no one dares, and no
one does. (Her mom is the perfect Utah Statistic for Prozac. She
has all the symptoms: Stake President's wife and living according to
the fear of what the neighbor's think. When she is off her meds
she is a wreck. In
my opinion, I now know why, but I will concede that depression is complex and I shouldn't paint with
broad sweeping brush strokes.)

I went on to say, “I am honest enough to know you can't force someone to change. There
are a million things I love about my wife. (And there are. She
is amazing in a lot of ways.) I respect who she is in that. I
can even respect that she has a low sex drive. But that respect,
and all the ways she is a fantastic person, do not mean I have
to live with that. (It sounds like all I got married for was
sex...but FYI, I can do anything else BUT SEX in the current
situation with
ANYBODY, male or female, outside of marriage...and that's how it's been with us. So, at the end of
the day, if I am not going to get my selfish sexual wants met, I
will change the environment until it is where I am getting my selfish
sexual wants met.)

Well, after that meeting with the Bishop, she finally grasped how serious the situation was. She
has initiated more and actually attempted oral sex one time to a
degree I would consider it 'real'. But it's not who she is. I am
grateful to the attempt, but it's just not who she is and the
guilt will hit her like a freight train. She just needs to find
someone compatible who is on her level if not more stricter.
It's done. I destroyed the hope for her change. And also it's just
a
fleeting change. Already things are moving back to the same and I also don't expect her to change. My jerkness is to
the degree also that I am secretly hoping she doesn't to justify
myself even more when our relationship ends.


For more research on book 2 of mine I checked out “In Sacred
Loneliness”. She flipped. Porn has fallen off the front of her
mind now, but now she is trying to be the 'thought police'. She
is now worried I am reading 'ANTI-MORMON' literature. I have
been quite upfront. I am tired of the guilt this system perpetrates.
(Many would argue it's because I shattered, pillaged, and maimed my
baptismal and temple covenants, hence the guilt...but I had been
feeling
guilt starting at about age 9 when the 'Strength of Youth' pointed out my eternal damnation for masturbation...OH
NOES!!! *Runs around with hair on fire...))


Well, sad when the actual history is a threat to current belief. I drop
thoughts here and there and ask her many questions to try to
break open her mind. But it's a lost cause and my heart isn't
into it. I don't want to ruin her worldview. But now she is the
'thought police' and is even more worried about the history books
I am reading as opposed to Porn. I guess I am just hoping that after
we are over, I can just prepare her for success with her next
'TBM' as opposed to going through a vicious cycle and find
another 'me'.

Painting with the BroadBrush

Once I found an article on the “Double Bind”...the matrix finally had
substance and I could pinpoint all the guilt. Adam and Eve were
“Double Binded”: “Don't eat the fruit...to become
human...but you must have kids! And in order to have kids...you
have to eat the fruit to be human. So..Do NOT eat the fruit..but
you MUST have kids.” They were damned on all
accounts...exactly what the binder is looking for: You are never
good enough, never worthy enough, never praying sincere
enough...ad infinitum.

Joseph Smith pulled the same tricks. “Sell the Book of Mormon copyright!...What!? I can't be
wrong...YOU are the guilty one. Oh..well..uh...it was from Satan
anyway..or a test..yeah ..a TEST!”


“Hey babe...(door creaks open, in walks husband)..uh..Oh! Uh...nothing to
see here, well, other than God commanded me to have your wife.
Yeah! That's it! God commanded me to take your wife! But
uh..it's just a test, don't worry, nothing wrong here,..uh..but
I will take your daughter..she's a spry looking fiery tart..younger
and hotter. Fourteen you say?”

I don't believe, life being hard enough as it is, that God will then deliberately mess with
us and jerk our chains. Is he that petty? I don't believe so. So I
am happy believing in God, and I even dig the concept of him
being in human form, even to the extent that GodJesusGhost are
separate and are the CEO's running the show! I love that
doctrine. But that's as far as it goes. In the world of pretend,
that's my pretend, as you are all entitled to your 'pretend'. I am
not
going to jihad anyone or force them to see things my way.


Aftermath

The TBM who reads this will say, “HA! The common denominator is
PORN, internet, church history and facebook! DEATH TO
TECHNOLOGY!!! We must BAN the internet, we must change the
history (which they overtly have in some instances) and be at
war with Eurasia only...until the prophets say otherwise!”


To that I will say, “Porn is the symptom to the greater problem that
no one wants to face. The church is so embarrassed by “The
Deliverance” backwood hillbilly polygamists of the early days
who founded the club, that they now have overcompensated to keep
a clean image. This in turn has caused them to villify sex and
sanitize the history to the point of overt lies in some cases to
just omitting key facts to keep the 'faith promotion' and frame
the debate. The
church is in denial about this, so 'Porn' and 'homosexuality' are the new LDS Red Scare. It, the church,
cannot bear to even think that it could be the creator of it's
own problem. The church knows...'If we lose the women...we lose
the church' and so porn is on the sermon oven and the heat has
been turned up to full blast and the men who actually think that
'sex' is necessary have the very real chance that they will
marry a spouse whose world view on sex is exactly the product of
the conference talks and cultural society they have been
put through.

In my worldview now, pornography is the symptom. Not the problem. Even then..if both parties are
fine with it..porn isn't even a problem or symptom. Whatever you
do in your own home..and it's legal..and It doesn't effect me unless
I want it to...GOOD ON YA!

(My educated guess / bias opinion) The 'broadbrush' truth: 98.3% of men on planet earth have looked
at porn. The other 1.6% are gay...and look at gay porn. The
00.1% remaining who have not partaken of the forbidden fruit
are commandeering the reins of the Good Ship Mormon and
projecting their 'work your way into heaven' world view onto us,
the sinful masses. Well, I am trying to be like Jesus, I love my
fellow man/woman and do all I can to serve others. But I
can never be like Jesus for my physical form is not half deity. I am 100%
the lineage of Adam, fallen. But, if the accounts are true, he
did die for me. But I hope the “Q” manuscript is true and
not just some rewritten mythos taken by others to use and
weaponize. Because people are only good and no one is looking to
usurp power over others...right?

I just do not buy that God put us here to fail and to send us to hell. Life is too beautiful
and I intend to enjoy it and help others do so as well.


Church Issues aside from what has been mentioned above:


In the world of the tangible and real, something can be justified as
being labeled 'true' if it can be replicated and is repeatable.
In my book I wrote, it focuses on demons and angels and
pre-existance etc. Then I read all that Joseph Smith had to say
about demons and Satan, and there is A LOT. Then it just hit
me...how were they having all these 'visions' / 'spiritual
manifestations' / ' Glossololias / Tounge Speaking' / 'Angelic
Visitations'...and yet none of that
happens now? It just does not, and for those who claim it does...it then becomes a
matter of sign seeking or not having enough 'faith'. How quaint. The
answer hit me like lightning. Is it because God has ceased to be God?
Is God not a God of miracles still? I would argue...yes. He is.
It is our methods and means in which we approach him and get the
visions that have changed and therefore it is no longer
duplicateable. This took me to focus on the Word
of Wisdom. Under the current rules and system there is no way we can replicate
the methods in which Joseph Smith and others were able to
have 'visions'. They used entheogens and psychotics. It made
perfect sense. I went online later...and lo and behold someone
wrote the same argument. In my opinion the drugs were approached
as neutral tools only. How you approached them determined their
efficacy and outcome. They would darken the windows,
bar the door, and then would open with prayer and song and then bless
with prayer and partake the blessed 'wine and bread' of
sacrament. The 'laced wine' was kept under lock and key. And
ALWAYS after it was administered the Holy Visions and meeting
would get in full swing...literally.


After the accusation was presented to that very degree...ta da!
The sacramental wine was immediately changed to water...by
revelation. Of course, how nice.

Racism, bigotry, and misogyny of the past along with current Prop 8 really chapped my
hide. If they, the GLBT's have found a happiness and acceptance that
is eluding the LDS...why take that away? They aren't even part of the
club. After going through what I have been through, I now take a
different view on homosexuality, I am more and more confident
that it is hardwired. I know how I am in terms of sex. I looked
at it as a 'choice' only. Well, once the genie was officially
out of the bottle...I don't see any reason to be forced to hate
myself for it and deny it and self loathe over it.

From Tironian script to all the pretzel logic and cognitive dissonance you
have to engage in to justify theology..I am done. If I am wrong
on my accounts. I don't want the 'clique', the guilt, the “work
and never, ever be good enough.” I am mentally and emotionally
exhausted and tired of it. I will see God at judgment and say,
“Well, I was wrong. Sorry. But after reading and hearing all
the information I could get, this was the most educated decision
I could make. Why did you put in me a sex drive? Why? Why give
me something and then tell me to self loathe myself for having
it?” That baffles my thought processes. I like people. I am
friendly. I like people more than rules. I choose happiness and
it can't be found where I was. There are radical changes coming
up to my future.


Views: 30

Comment by Casey Roberts on October 26, 2010 at 9:36am
Too many similarities to my situation to even count. Except, my sex life was worse. ;-)

Good luck.
Comment by Enlightened on October 30, 2010 at 11:25am
A fascinating read....thanks for sharing.
How does your wife feel about your writings - after all it IS very personal...?
Best wishes for the future
From "outer dottedness"

Comment by Kessee on October 30, 2010 at 1:27pm
Oh, I need to put on an update.
We are currently separated, I chose to no longer keep up the charade and just get the damage over, so I broke the news. The divorce is in process. So the divorce will take effect in a few more weeks.

And she also has now clue about this post.
Comment by Enlightened on October 30, 2010 at 1:49pm

Looks like you are living dangerously now.....

Comment by Kessee on October 31, 2010 at 11:00pm
'dangerously' is a subjective term... and I will find my subjects. ;)
Comment by TheMama on April 6, 2011 at 1:41am
Thank you for sharing your story.  I could relate on many levels.  And I enjoyed your humor.

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