I Was the Poster Child for the Perfect Mormon Girl

I was the poster child for the perfect mormon girl. I was always the one called on in primary to give the long talk. I was beehive president, mia maid secretary and laurel president. I was even the president of my seminary class. I was put in charge of every possible service project that came up. But, I had questions. Every bishop's interview would end with "you just have to have faith that it is true," I was never given a straight logical answer to valid questions. I was always academic minded. I had lofty goals that my parents didn't approve of. My mother told me when I was in my second year of college (I was persuing a political science degree) that I had enough boyfriends that it was time for me to marry one of them. So, I did. I chose the only one I could imagine living with. We got married in the temple and had a baby 1 year later. I got my degree in elementary education (the acceptable profession for a mormon mommy) and then got divorced. I remarried and moved to another state. This time, I persued my education. For the first time I felt powerful in my own right. I stopped going to church and felt so much better. It was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

Well, then we moved back to Utah. I was immediately ensconsed in the mormon embrace. Everyone and their dog campaigned to get me "back on the path" of rightousness. I even had Gordon B. Hinkley's daughter in my ward. She tried very hard to bring me back. She meant well, and I loved her. I had a great respect for her father.

I just couldn't embrace it. I had learned too much. My logical mind couldn't accept such a nonsensical belief that the only way back to God was through momonism. I have met too many spiritual people to believe that anymore. I have let my views be known. I am divorced again and estranged from my family. I feel alone. But, I will not give in. It wouldn't be honest. I know that things will get better. I have my integrity, and I have my daughters. I am free to explore other beliefs about our purpose and the nature of "GOD." Believe me, I am having a great time exploring these ideas without the guilt. Thanks to this site, I now know there are others like me.

Views: 89

Comment by MikeUtah on December 5, 2009 at 10:09pm
I have my integrity, and I have my daughters. I am free to explore other beliefs about our purpose and the nature of "GOD." Believe me, I am having a great time exploring these ideas without the guilt.

You can't ask for much more than this! Sounds like you are doing well following your own path. I'm glad you feel less alone here. Thanks for sharing your story. Happy holidays!
Comment by Lori Crandall on December 5, 2009 at 11:27pm
Way to go Cali! I'm very proud of you. I'm now 40 and there are some truths I've learned along the way that I'd like share. First off, I thought for years that over time if I showed my family that I'm still loving etc that they'd gradually soften and want to know the truth behind the church. I was wrong. Things have gotten only worse and I've accepted that there are members of my family that I'll never see again. Obviously this has been painful, but I have actually accepted it and the pain is much less now.

I too was like you,...president of everything, graduated seminary with perfect A's and even got an award. I did it all...served a mission etc...until...I got on that misson. No, actually it was before that when I went to BYU and was MISERABLE. I had never known so much misery but thought that it was just that I didn't like my classed. However on the mission I was just in mental misery. When I finished and came back I felt better obviously, but I knew something was horribly wrong. It wasn't until a year or so later when I became engaged to a guy that I never should have been engaged to and we broke it off did I see the real intent behind my parents and the church. They didn't give a rats ass about me. It was all for appearances. My parents treated me like vermin that should be crushed because I would not marry. I pleaded with them to listen to me as he and I were not in love and were marrying for all the wrong reasons. This didn't matter to them. All that mattered was appearances. My dad was so enraged that he literally took my arm like some horrid abusive husband and dragged me down the hall to literally verbally tear me apart with with stupid wife aka...my mother. I lost all respect for them at that point. I saw that me being adopted into that family had absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever, I was just there to fill the pew. I was heartbroken.

So, I moved back to Idaho, still gave the church 6 more months of my life until I realized I just could not do it anymore. The pressure to get married was so intense that I felt my self hood being literally assualted. It was when I couldn't take the emotional pain anymore that I dared to look into the "anti" stuff. That for me took so much courage at the time. When I did I felt like I was drinking mothers milk. Immediately I knew I'd been duped. Even now several years later I'm still finding out just how deep the hoax has gone. Now you know the GA's no longer testify of being witnesses of JC, no they are only witness to his "name". No joke.

Thanks for posting.

Comment by Cali Murphy on December 6, 2009 at 10:30pm
Thanks for your comments! It is so great to have support and understanding.
Comment by MikeSun on December 10, 2009 at 1:12pm
I am so encouraged to see that there are nice apostate girls out there!!!
Comment by Skepticat on December 12, 2009 at 5:32pm
I'm sure it feels very lonley. You were suffocated with "calls" because you performed so well and they loved that, I'm sure. Lonleiness brings many back to "the fold". They find they cannot just cut off that core of "friends in the church" that mean so much when you feel as though you are cut off from the outside world as well. They know if they keep pressuring you that you just might fold as so many do. They go back, not because they believe but because it's easier than being lonley with their integrity.

Most of the groups outside the LDS church do not have that seven day a week support system to keep you involved and out of the clutches of other outsiders. A few do, like the Evangelicals, where every waking thought is supposeed to be church or Jesus or the like. Problem is, every organized religion has it's "sticking points". Once you are outside of that, it can be more lonley than most can imagine. Integrity, logic and intelligence can be the lonliest place there is when one is used to the warmth of a nice religious church group where all you have to do is work hard and don't piss off the elders with questions.

No matter which church you go with, you will find that they believe they are the only true path to heaven, then they expect you to bring others with you. I studied many churches from Baptist to Zen when I still thought I had to have a belief. That's when I gravitated to the "Big A", Atheism and its half sister Agnosticism. That tasted right for me, just hit the spot and the more I explore and learn the more comfortable I am with my decision. It's not for everyone, that's for sure. We all have to find our comfort zone. Good luck with finding yours and remember, it may be lonley but many of us would rather be lonley than liars.
Comment by Dan on May 3, 2010 at 9:45am
.I can empathize somewhat. After spending most of my life in the church and defending it I accidently found the truth and it set me free. Being a single mom has its challenges but it is better than being tied down by a spouse that does not except you for who you are. Keep trucking.
Comment by Beth P on May 24, 2010 at 9:06am
Thanks for sharing your story, Cali. I am with you! I'd rather be lonely.


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