I was the poster child for the perfect mormon girl. I was always the one called on in primary to give the long talk. I was beehive president, mia maid secretary and laurel president. I was even the president of my seminary class. I was put in charge of every possible service project that came up. But, I had questions. Every bishop's interview would end with "you just have to have faith that it is true," I was never given a straight logical answer to valid questions. I was always academic minded. I had lofty goals that my parents didn't approve of. My mother told me when I was in my second year of college (I was persuing a political science degree) that I had enough boyfriends that it was time for me to marry one of them. So, I did. I chose the only one I could imagine living with. We got married in the temple and had a baby 1 year later. I got my degree in elementary education (the acceptable profession for a mormon mommy) and then got divorced. I remarried and moved to another state. This time, I persued my education. For the first time I felt powerful in my own right. I stopped going to church and felt so much better. It was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.
Well, then we moved back to Utah. I was immediately ensconsed in the mormon embrace. Everyone and their dog campaigned to get me "back on the path" of rightousness. I even had Gordon B. Hinkley's daughter in my ward. She tried very hard to bring me back. She meant well, and I loved her. I had a great respect for her father.
I just couldn't embrace it. I had learned too much. My logical mind couldn't accept such a nonsensical belief that the only way back to God was through momonism. I have met too many spiritual people to believe that anymore. I have let my views be known. I am divorced again and estranged from my family. I feel alone. But, I will not give in. It wouldn't be honest. I know that things will get better. I have my integrity, and I have my daughters. I am free to explore other beliefs about our purpose and the nature of "GOD." Believe me, I am having a great time exploring these ideas without the guilt. Thanks to this site, I now know there are others like me.