I'm hacked because I got totally in to a thread in the Post-Mo board titled "Anger: the new emotion since leaving TCoJCoLDS?" and have been waiting for my log in to be approved so I can comment.
It's so typical of my experiences trying to heal my way out of the church!!!
I'm in incredible pain & have been for at least 8 months,
I find people I can relate to and women I want to share with,
and I'm finally hurting enough to let myself be vulnerable and "let it all hang out here" and when I finally get here ~
I hit another road block.
I know the road block/ie. steps to approval, are for the protection and privacy of the board members but a couple of hours have passed I'm dying here, even more isolated and alone than ever before.
I cannot help but wonder about this dynamic and how it affects others like me who may not be completely physically, mentally, and emotionally immersed in this world of social networking, blogging, bleeping, or tweeting, etc.
No wonder I always feel like this stuff is so shallow! Because it is; perhaps only for those of us that don't invest a huge amount of time in online relationships?

Back to the original thorn in my side... I need to express all of this junk, and I still feel like it's stupid to write to no one that's listening. AND I'm hurting enough to do it anyway ~ with hopes that on some level I can begin to heal.
Frick! It's not like being a partially active convert for the last ten years didn't mess me up enough
making me feel like I just wasn't perfect enough to fit in, but I was good enough to keep trying...

What a crock of brainwashing crap! I am so angry that I did this whole thing to myself!
Investigating the church, baptism, all of this trying to fit in crap with spiritual purity in my heart! And I'm still lost.
I have a life long history of other losses involving family members. I converted @ age 40, now almost 50.
...like I wasn't screwed up enough already. I was a square peg outside of the church ~ and normie's certainly do not have much understanding of, or desire to understand what really goes on in & around the church so I ended up isolating myself even more. Re-working my old choices should obviously not be an option for me at this point. But what am I to do? Continue listening to the same brain/heart that got me here?!?!?!? Crap. I so don't trust my pure and innocent little heart anymore. The confusion really sucks.

I'm so much further away from the original desires of my heart ~
for family, closeness, intimacy, true love, needing to belong,
and a gaining a true sense of meaning and purpose in this life.
Will I ever make it back to my own truths?
How will I learn to trust others again, let alone myself!?

So ~ I keep trying to develop my own blog where I can write to myself in hopes of relieving some anger and pain through writing it all down... I've created half a dozen blog sites and they're all undeveloped.
I'm so spooked about my privacy, and angry about how superficial social networking sites can be
that I've never developed any consistency coming to any on site and blogging or journaling.
And I continue to hurt myself by keeping the anger bottled up inside.

I created my own site on ning ~ and it's too complicated for me to personalize it
so I'm losing interest there also! And ning puts up a decent page ~ aarrgghh! I'm so frustrated!
It amazes me that I still have to learn html and css to decorate my page ~
okay... I'll ask for help. What a concept! Does anyone have the time or inclination to confidentially communicate with me online and help me develop my own personal ning page? This stuff is supposed to be fun, yes?
Continuing to search out new journal and blog sites is going nowhere...
Will I ever not be a bonehead techno nerd and still be able to enjoy my time on the pc?

Please share with me as to how I can use writing to begin to heal???
On some level, I know it's supposed to work! Do I have to struggle with developing the eloquence of other bloggers to make sense or begin to heal? I certainly hope not!?
Where can I return to with all of my anger and confusion?
How can I begin to heal it without any other resources outside of my pc?

Developing my own ning site & Healing by writing to no one in particular should be fun; yes?
Inspiration, Integrity, and Intention? Love & Light? What's it all worth after such betrayal?
Is it pain with a point?
Will I ever unchain my heart?

Views: 27

Comment by MikeUtah on May 7, 2009 at 3:06pm
Hi xldsxy! I saw this post over at postmormon first and already replied there. I haven't done any HTML or PHP of my own in creating this Ning site. Just copy and paste or choose existing templates etc is what I've done. You'll figure it out. Just don't give up. There are forums to get help too. Try ning.com or ningcreators.com I think. Good luck!
Comment by XLDSXY on May 7, 2009 at 5:02pm
I know... I doubled back Micah ~ I'm such an impatient little wench.
I've had a lot of fun today ~ reading, writing, and sorting through a ton of pain ~
I'm beginning to feel better ~ and miss those I share so much in common with!
Comment by MikeUtah on May 7, 2009 at 8:37pm
Check back here and at postmo as often as you need! It help deal with the pain and transition. Good luck.
Comment by Jon on May 8, 2009 at 11:53am
I really identified with this. I spent a LOT of time writing and writing and writing just because it was the only way I could figure things out and sort through my thoughts. I started several blogs, none of them worked out as well as I hoped they would have.

I'm proud of you for working so hard. It's tricky learning new things and examining yourself.

You said that you don't know if you can even trust yourself anymore. I get that. It's the greatest and best lesson I could take away from leaving Mormonism. It's that very fact - that I CAN'T trust myself - that forced me to find better ways of learning about things. Evidence, reason, logic... these are all methods, tools, we can use to arrive at an answer. And as long as we're doing the math properly, we can't be faulted. We might be wrong, but it would only be because we didn't have all the right information. We'd have made a decision to the best of our ability - and that's the best anyone can ever hope for. You don't HAVE to trust yourself, that's the best part! It's better if you don't! You'll come closest to truth if you trust the methodology - cross your T's, check your math - than any other way.
Comment by Cali Murphy on May 15, 2009 at 6:54pm
I know lot about using evidence, reason and logic from my educational background. It is a comforting way to climb out of a brainwashing situation. I have also learned that if I really listen to my gut, it is usually right. What I found from being faithfully mormon, was that I ignored my gut feelings and believed those who told me it was just satan trying to persuade me. WRONG! I follow the evidence, I reason through things I hear and read, and I apply logic to find sollutions. But, I also know that my gut feelings are pretty right on. If it feels wrong, and I am really listening, then it usually is. I find comfort from just reading what others are going through. I know that I am not alone. This has not always been the case! Good luck.
Comment by XLDSXY on May 21, 2009 at 12:51am
It's such a catch .22 Cali ~ what you've described is almost verbatim the same steps and procedures I took that led me straight in to and through the church. All the search, ponder, and pray... it's tough "coming back to trusting my instincts and intuitions" again.
If you have any more suggestions about using evidence, reason, logic, and education ~ I'm all ears ~ I really relate to how you've put this ~ thx!

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