I am been thinking today, as I was shoveling snow today, about guilt and how much guilt I possessed as a Mormon. I felt guilty about everything. For not doing my visiting teaching earilier in the month, for not reading my scriptures often enough, not attending the temple enough. I went to the temple once a month, When I could I would go once a week. I always felt I had helped someone accept the gospel on the other side of the veil. I had my mothers work done when I joined the church, worked hard to get all my dead ancestors baptized, confirmed, endowed and sealed. After I got off my mission I felt that I needed to get married. I watched as my missionary companions got married and had children. Before I married, I felt like a misfit, and I know a lot of others in my singles ward felt the same way, w hy had the Lord choose to not give us the blessing of a husband and children? What is wrong with me? I met a lot of guys, not really feeling that I wanted to marry any of them. After attending a singles ward for 3 years after my mission, I decided to get married. So, I did in the Salt Lake Temple. We divorced after five years. I felt a lot of guilt about the divorce, I did not go into a singles ward again, simply because I did not like the stress and pressure that is dished out to singles. Of course, the stress and pressure was just as bad in the family ward. Even they were thrilled to have a single women in the ward, I was in the Young Women's presidency. When I was in the young womens presidency I noticed the manuals mostly talk about preparing for marriage and motherhood. Not much emphasis on college and career. I was looking at the new LDS youth web site and the manuals they use, nothing has really changed. I think the reason the church wants the youth leaders to focus on marriage and children is to populate the world with more Mormons. I remember many of my friends were sad and angry when I got divorced. One friend told me, it is better to be in a bad marriage than single. She felt I had thrown something precious away. It has been almost a year since my office resignation from the church. It has been a struggle freeing myself from the bonds of mormonism. For the first couple of years after I left, before I resigned, I struggled with guilt. That guilt could have eventually lead me back to the church if I had taken that path. As time has past the guilt has left and it has been replaced with a desire to learn. The closed mindedness has left and I have been left with an open mind. Another friend told me that I was too open minded. I don't think you can ever be too open minded, I believe you need to use good sense and make good decisions with the information you have learned. But, the beauty of it is, I have the ability to go out and learn and make those decisions on my own. I don't have anyone in an organized religion telling me what I can and cannot listen to, and do with my life. I remember I was told so many times while in mormonism that obedience was freedom. That we as mormons had freedom in the true sense. After walking away from Mormonism, I can say with confidence that Mormonism does not offer any type of freedom. Mormonism rapes the mind, and destroys the soul. It took away my sense of individuality, and replaced it with group think. Now that I have my individuality back, I will never let that part of me go again. :)

Views: 37

Comment by MikeUtah on February 11, 2010 at 4:38pm
Thanks for the blog! I enjoyed reading your thoughts on escaping the guilt and finding true freedom outside of group-think. You're a wonderful human being just as you are. No companion needed to fulfill you or your purpose in life, as that is up to you to create on your own. I remember the lessons on obedience bring about freedom. I attended my parents ward just a couple weeks ago and that was the theme of the lesson. I recognize now just the opposite is true. It's hard seeing my family and friends still stifled by this at times. Glad I am out. I wouldn't go back for just about anything either.
Comment by Liselotte on February 21, 2010 at 1:50am
Thank you for sharing this. I'm at the beginning of my exit and it gives me hope of a brighter future to read your post. The guilt is tremendous, especially when it comes to my kids. I've been sickened time and time again as I have realized how cranked my individuality has been and now I'm finally able to let it show. It is a process for sure to have the courage to allow who I am to come out. I keep asking myself "What was so wrong with who I am that I didn't feel that I could be that person?" Well, nothing, absolutely nothing! It just doesn't fit the, what you called, the group thinking. Thanks again.
Comment by Miguel on August 30, 2010 at 3:31am
Mormonism is comparable to the Borg of Star Trek.

I married 4 years after I finished my mission and several times I was told that I was a danger to society. Now I am married for almost 16 years and many of the 'good RMs' from my former stake are divorced...
Comment by Jeannie on September 4, 2010 at 4:47pm
I had many male friends of my that were told they were a danger to society. I have heard that divorce is as high in the Mormon church than in the secular world. I can believe it. Then it is a whole different ball game if you get divorced. There is great stigma associated with divorce in the church. I have heard that you can not be an apostle if you have been divorced. I don't know if that is true. But, it would be believable.


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