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godsxmessenger's Page

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godsxmessenger is now a member of Life After Mormonism (exmormon)
May 7

Profile Information

Relationship Status (single, partner, etc):
My Story:
born and raised LDS, my parents were both returned missionaries. I tried my hardest to be a good active member growing up, right up to my mission. Truthfully I was half in half out. A large part of me really didn't want to go, but I had so much expectation placed on me, by family and peers alike. I remember in seminary I was voted most likely to become a seminary teacher one day, I knew my stuff. Come mission time and I absolutely hated it. I liked the MTC more than the actual field. I was called to a mexico city mission, and the first 6 months were "fine" After that things started to go downhill. I started noticing more and more inconsistencies, why are the apostles and other leaders allowed to speak their opinion from time to time as a man, but missionaries are required to put on a face and slide things under the rug for the sake of the members? (actual conversation with mission president, completely dismissed) I wanted to come home, and it shattered my family. Dad got angry, mom cried and blamed herself, it became all kinds of emotionally abusive. My grandfather insisted I go see a shrink and work through my issues, I had no idea that there was such a thing as a mission "therapist". I let myself be convinced that some aspect of the whole thing would be good for me in the long run, that I was learning things that would benefit me in my life afterwards. I had a few issues with trying to find a good eternal companion, most mormon girls turned out to be too judgmental and uppity to give me a chance for stupid reasons. I was on my way out, and gave it one last chance with an amazing girl I met through a friend. I actually remember thinking that if things didn't work out with her that obviously I wasn't meant to be LDS since I was doing everything right, but hey god gives no commandment without providing a way to complete it right? That being said when she and I hit it off I took it as a sign, and we have been happily married for almost 4 years now. Church attendance was always an issue for me, I had such a hard time with my mission it was starting to come out in various ways.
In 2013 my teen sister died in a car crash. It completely devastated my family, she and I were the only 2 kids because both my parents were infertile and adopted us both. (different times, families, 6 year age gap) That was the string that began to unravel the sweater so to speak, my mom went off the deep end, dad hasn't been able to keep a steady job since, and I started to smoke weed to cope. The weed habit started not so much about my inability to handle my sister's death, but trying to figure out how to handle my family. I held strong to the idea of the plan of salvation for a long time, and currently I'm avoiding even thinking about life after death while coming to terms with my leaving the church.
It wasn't until we had our first kid I realized I was just going with the flow, and it wasn't going well. I loved my wife for who she is and still do, but it hit me that I didn't voice my concern about not being ready for a child because "the timing seemed right" Her mom had yet to have a grandkid and was the oldest of her siblings and was starting to feel sad (pressure much?), and my wife was insisting she was ready for a kid. Come time for baby, she actually had the better job so I stayed home to try and work on our long term assets and care for baby. (Mind you I've been terrified of children ever since my mission because of the horror stories they tell you in the MTC.) Well I have been in and out of various stages of church membership for as long as I can remember, more so then ever lately. Recently I came across some anti mormon stuff on the internet, and for the first time I was insatiable. I'm horrified about the documented facts I've found, and I have no idea how to address this with my wife or move forward.
Interests and Hobbies:
video games, hiking & outdoor excursions, woodworking, exercise in general, dogs, anime,
Favorite Books:
Harry potter
Favorite Movies:
marvel series, lord of the rings,
Favorite activity after mormonism?
Used to be smoking weed, but I decided I don't like how that affects me anymore.
If you went on an LDS mission, where and when did you go?
Mexico City

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