Grew up in Utah LDS brainwashed, gay, escaped my planned suicide(LDS:"was acceptable of gays") via foreign program to Germany for several years. After 6 -8 months in Germany going to German School living with german host family, and finally about the time when alll the hard work paid off: I spoke , understood, thought, dreamt in German. ...I HAD ALSO GONE THROUGH BRAINWASHED LDS DETOXIFICATION!
It was surreal! And frightening, liberating, and disheartening for I knew my family would forever remain "LDS hypnotized" and members of the church!
Struggled even after returning from Germany and started School at UofU in SLC. Life spiraled down fast! "In hindsight it was because went back into the closet, vowed never to tell my secret" That is what drove me to drug use out of nowhere, With in 2 weeks after moving to SLC, cocaine was a daily survival tool to mask the inner turmoil I couldn't understand exactly at the time nor deal with.
Struggled for years clean, then relapsing. At Rehab in Malibu,CA.. months of intense treatment, psychiatric treatment, therapy, counseling, etc. I came out to group during therapy session. Then in the euphoric feeling of coming out I walked to phone and came out to family members!
Family members reached not ideal! A few siblings took it okay but the majority siblings disowning me (I'm 1of 7).
Took a lot of unbelievable experiences, horrible experiences from putting myself into bad situations searching for myself in LA. Finally broke! Took box opener slit(both arms) from wrists to biceps (To the bone) 20+ times. After half of my blood loss, half conscious I somehow dialed to tell parents I loved them.(how? I don't know. I had served my tendons, w/zero use of fingers) I should of died! It was absolutely not a cry for help it was with all my might and will! Woke up in cedar Sinai hospital (PSYCIATRIC Ward) strapped to bed a cross shaped bed with arms in casting/wrapped material. Ultimate failure! I failed life and suicide I was never so low! Absolutely devastated with my ultimate failure.
Lost, eventually released from hospital after few weeks. Went to "my home" Hotel to hotels in LA. Affect mood and outlook. Over 10 years of this back and forth lost soul,(never suicide attempted again) wandered, ended up in Scientology treatment (family set it up ultimately kidnaped by Scientology taken to Narconon -arrowhead center. Absolutely unbelievable abuse and treatment via Scientology. (I knew it was brainwashing and was very vocal to others persons in program)
Took a month before I was able to break free and get to bus stop at 12am in Oklahoma somewhere middle of nowhere. .... my story for me to tell is at times ... tedious and . There more left out than told. I feel like it isn't believable ! I know I wouldn't believe somebody that was saying they had gone through even 30% of the things I had. So I leave years of La to Miami bad situation but I hadn't self worth!
After living in Laguna Beach again, a mess, I get arrested. Parents pay for lawyer who isn't my defender..Parents pay him to get me locked up as long as possible ! 1 year for something everyone I met got 60 days Jail! It eventual was able after 6 months off drugs to see how crazy my life & my thinking had been for so long.
Got out cleaned up got degrees family somewhat returned to"loving me"( tolerating me)!
Live in SoCal. 8 years have still same partner Marc.(my savior ultimately)! But I still struggled with what I went through being brainwashed and dealing with knowing just how far LDS will go to control every aspect of your existence, knowledge, all!
Partner Marc with psychology MBA says I have "ptsd". I don't know. Daily anxiety, worrying, stress, even to be happy is unbearable too often. Finishing my BS in Mortuary Science currently. Love the field of work. I've Such a great respect for human remains.
I am messed up still from the things that were instilled (brainwashed). Dose it get better? Ever?
Interests and Hobbies:
Skiing, Travel, Bodybuilding, art, music, fine dining and wine. Etc etc etc
Magnolia , vanilla sky , the AO, sense 8
Favorite activity after mormonism?
The Gym is my Church & Bodybuilding my Religion!
If you went on an LDS mission, where and when did you go?
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