Let's get a thread started on what has or hasn't worked in navigating a relationship with a TBM partner or spouse.  Share anything from how to deal with flare ups, to surviving the next 5 minutes after a breakdown, to what to do about kids and everything in between.  If you're separated or divorced, share what has/hasn't worked in that scenario as well.


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What has not worked in my favor is the fact that I spent several years previous to disaffection being clinically depressed.  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and now my husband, giving me "the benefit of the doubt" (?) believes that my stance that the church is not of God is due to mental illness on my part.  It's been really hard not being able to bounce all of my thoughts and feelings off of him as I've done in the past.  I'm glad there is a forum here to talk things over.
It has not worked to try hiding how I feel to save my spouses feelings.  The only good conversations we have had about my departure are those where I just lay it out, we fight about it, and then come to a mutual point of understanding.  Works for us.
I'm terrible at hiding my feelings.  It works out eventually for us, too, when I share, but I sure don't like the downside.  I don't want to hurt my husband, but I cannot--to use an old cliche--"put the toothpaste back into the tube."  I cannot pretend to believe in something which is so clearly false to me now, even to make the one I love the most happy.

Honestly, it's started to feel like nothing is working. I try to bring up something that bothers me, and he'll refute it. My concerns don't seem to be legitimate. This can be about ANYTHING -- but most frequently is about church and household chores.


Last night, we had a HUGE argument and obvs, the church was brought into it. I tried to bring up things that wouldn't offend him and discuss it, and he told me that all my concerns were cultural (!!!!). Finally I just told him that I was leaving a bunch out so avoid offending him but I could tell he didn't believe me. At all. 


I tend to feel that since I'm a woman (and we know how the Mormon Church treats women) he often doesn't seen any legitimacy to my concerns. At all. 

Ouch, ouch and ouch.  My inclination is to write him off as a jerk, but on further thought, I suspect he is just feeling very threatened.  I suggest assuring him of your unwavering devotion to him.  I've had to do that with my husband and now that he really believes that giving up on him is not the next step in the process, he seems to be okay with us living on two separate religious tracks.

I feel for you.  We have 30+ years of history to lean on in our marriage.  I can't imagine having gone through something like this early on.  Hang in there.

Yeah we've only been married for 1.5 years, and before that we were together for 3.5 years. DH certainly isn't making it easy for me, either. Although, I admit, we're both at fault for last night's argument. I try to be more sensitive when criticizing The Church, but he finds any sort of criticism of the Church bad...so...
In the early stages of my disaffection I was too aggressive with my wife. The way I saw it, I felt a little like Lehi who, when he tasted the fruit, wanted to share it with his family. "Hey honey, great news! The church isn't true! Look at this, and this, and this, and this. Can't you see it's all made up? I didn't see it either for a long time, but now I do. Isn't it crazy?" This did not go well. She dug in deeper and our marriage was seriously strained. Finally I realized I was acting like a Mormon in reverse. I backed off, tried to focus on loving my wife for the wonderful person she is, and tried to be really patient and accepting of who she is and her beliefs. This has worked much better, though there is certainly still difficulty, and I'm not totally sure that the future holds for us.

I did the same thing to my DH. When I saw all the information out there I was like "OMG DH will want to see this!" And I was sooo proud of myself for discovering it and shocked and horrified, and I just KNEW he would see it the same way I did. Haha, joke's on me!


It's so hard for me to be accepting. I love my DH but the church is a GIANT wedge between us. Plus I'm still in the anger stage, which isn't really helping at all because I just feel so damn mad at the Church. 

Truth be told, sometimes what I feel is "working for us" also feels very temporary, like it's just holding back a larger storm.  I am grateful for the truce because I still very much love my DW - but at the end of the day I really don't think we can last forever with this issue between us.  Maybe I am putting lipstick on a pig with our current points of understanding.


I'm with you James. At this point, I'm pretty sure my DH's and my relationship has an expiration date.
Yet I am optimistic that I can get rid of the expiry date, but the only way that could happen is if the DW flexed, IMHO, and was able to get closer to where I am in understanding the problems with her faith.  And while I really do daydream about that, I also wonder if that is fair.  I think it would be the BEST thing for her to see the light, so to speak, and come with me.  But perhaps for her, given her family, culture, age, indoctrination... maybe it truly is like The Matrix - some people just can't be unplugged.  Maybe it is not fair of me to hold on to her, hoping for her to come with me - maybe it would be more fair to think bigger and let her go so she can find the happiness she is expecting, in the way she envisions happiness.
That's how I'm feeling. Both DH and I are hanging on to each other and hoping the other person is going to change (to our way of thinking/whatever). I think I'm realizing now just how futile that actually is for the both of us. Plus the two of are still pretty young, that we'd probably be able to get out of our marriage and find someone else if we really wanted to. :/


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