So what can I say; I'm timid at posting, worried about public opinion, and my wife is very upset about my stance, but not so upset as to try and look in to see if anything I say has credence.
I don't want to lose my family (4 kids); but family on both sides are aggressively TBM.
Any advice would be nice.
How very sad that you have to be worried about losing your family because of what you believe. If only more LDS members believed in the 11th Article of Faith.
Personally, I think the NOM Rules of Disengagement are excellent. Best wishes to you.
I'm in a similar boat, though we don't have any kids yet. I told my wife a little less than two years ago that I no longer believed in the church, and it was really hard going for a while. Things have gotten a lot better since then, though, as I've learned the hard way how to handle some of the tougher issues. It can be really hard, when the subject comes up, to hold the precarious balance between being confident in your own knowledge, and appearing to be condescending towards something that she still holds very dear.
There have been times when things have gotten heated, and I wanted SO BADLY to pounce on some church-sponsored claim she's repeated and rip it to shreds with cold, hard logic and facts. But instead I've held my own and just said, "I have a position on this issue, and it is a valid one, but I do not want to escalate this discussion into territory that is going to be detrimental to our relationship. I love you very much, but I am going on a walk, now."
When I come back in the house 15 minutes later, usually we've both calmed down, and she's much more receptive to what I have to say.
Again, I appreciate the input.
It seems that the advice is very similar; Be calm, be cool, and let it take time.
I have learned that some people just need to believe to help them deal with their mortality. They want so much to there to be life with their family after this life. i am an atheist and my wife a believer. It is important for me o recognize her happy feelings when doing temple work for her loved ones. but she also relishes that I do not share those views and hopes silently that I will be rewarded by a kind and loving god for my 40+ years of serve in the church. She does not except that she will lose me in the next life as god is not that cruel. It gives her comfort so way try to take it away? Their fore we do not discuss religion in the home and that seems to work so long as I show her that I care and love her.
That is a repeat on another post. Using the Church doctrine that the man is the head of the house I have used that authority to stop all tithing to the church. When my wife was denied a temple recommend for not paying tithing I took it to the stake presidency and told them she was following church guidelines by obeying her husband and asked them if they were going to punish her for my unrighteousness ? She got the recommend.
This process takes a lot of patience. For a long time after I told my wife I don't think she was convinced that I would never return. She refused to look at the issues. This may be the phase you are in. Things got worse before they got better. After she realized that I would never return to the church, she needed to come to terms with it. This was the worst part of it. There was a lot of anger. I wasn't sure if our marriage would survive it.
We did survive it, and my wife is no longer TBM, although she still has some lingering doubts and thinks there are some things in the church that may be true.
That is the short summary. You will need to have patience. She may never come around to your way of thinking. The best advice I got was to be the best husband I could be, and be understanding when she becomes angry or vents about the situation.
Good luck ... this is not an easy road.
i'm in the same situation right now. i'm still a member and still support my wife and 3 kids by going to church with them, but i hate every second of it. my TBM wife won't look at the issues either. she says that she doesn't think there is anything that could influence her testimony in the negative but at the same time won't research at all. at this time if i leave the church she will probably divorce me (that's what she said, anyway). i asked her that before she just ups and leaves, would it be important enough to her to at least do some research and know what i know first, before just divorcing and taking off blindly? so, that's where we are with our relationship. we've been married for 14 years. i mentioned my status with the church last May. i'm just pretending at this point. my mom and siblings would freak out if i told them my stance, so i've left it be for now. it makes me feel really alone, especially since the only friend i have is in another state (we apostatized on the same mission together). anyway, i guess i have nothing to offer you, but just know that i know how you feel and i'm going through the same exact thing right now. feel free to contact me and start some discussion. it would be great to have someone to go through this with.
I see this post is over a year old, and wonder if there are any updates? My DW is still attending, and it took some time, but we always have put our relationship above the church. Don't get me wrong there are still moments that we completely disagree on things, but she accepts that I no longer believe in Mormonism. Something that really helped us was getting her to watch the youtube video on Why people leave the LDS church. She watched the entire video and gaine an understanding. I was careful picking this video as it was from a members perspective at the time.
Our biggest challenge right now is deciding what to do about our 8 yr old son at baptism age. She surprised me when she delayed his baptism for a year to give us time to work it out. I am lucky to have her...
She's still TBM, I'm still not. Still working on trying to maintain things. Considering therapy.
Thanks for posting.
I am still an active member, the First Assistant to the High Priest Group Leader in our Ward in Texas, but with significant doubts (in spite of Uchdorf - LOL). In essence, acting the hypocrite - for family reasons. I am heavily surrounded by TBM's on all sides. Oh, side story: I am related to Oliver B. Huntington, who wrote in his journal Joseph Smith's teaching about people living on the moon. This was quoted in an early Young Women's church magazine, if I remember correctly. Anyway, this side story indicates the depth of the levels in which my TBM family exists.
I wasn't always active. After 12 years of Temple marriage and 5 children, I was excommunicated. I figured excommunication was better than murdering my then wife. There are discussions on this site I could contribute to regarding the damage done by mental/emotional abuse, a solid talent of my now ex. Anyway, does anyone remember LDS General Conference October 2009, the address by Neil Anderson entitled "Repent ... That I may Heal You"? In it, he told this story:
"Years ago, I was asked to meet with a man who, long before our visit, had had a period of riotous living. As a result of his bad choices, he lost his membership in the Church. He had long since returned to the Church and was faithfully keeping the commandments, but his previous actions haunted him. Meeting with him, I felt his shame and his deep remorse at having set his covenants aside. Following our interview, I placed my hands upon his head to give him a priesthood blessing."
That was me. Yes, it could relate to others, I suppose, but my experience was p-r-e-c-i-s-e-l-y as described by Anderson. That was exactly how and by whom (while he was an Area Seventy) my priesthood blessings were restored!
In hindsight, I should have stayed out while I had the chance!! However, my family exerted a ton of pressure to help get me reinstated. I was rebaptized , married again and my priesthood blessings restored as described above. My wife (second marriage for me, first for her, now going on 20+ years) is a TBM. She does have a history of varying activity and was mostly inactive as a teen.
The short end of this long post is that I hope my wife will be open to my disbelief, due to her varying activity history. It will be very difficult because of family on both sides being so very active. I plan to follow the "Rules of Disengagement" and will post results later.
Wish me luck!
Oh, by the way, we will be moving to Greeley, CO as soon as our house in Texas sells. My TBM in-laws live in Greeley and are experiencing the challenges of declining health as they age. This certainly adds to the challenge of resigning from the church.