Hey everyone, 

 

I'm not going to post this on PM since it is kind of sensitive topic. 

 

Is pushing/shoving considered abuse? 

 

DH and I got in a big fight a little while ago, and he shoved and pushed me multiple times during the fight. He later said it was because I was "threatening" him because I was blocking the doorway to the kitchen. I pointed out he never asked me to move, so I couldn't have known that, and he just said he was giving me "gentle taps" to get me out of the way and then he shoved me. He contends this is not abuse. 

 

(I feel like I should point out that it's pretty close to impossible for me to be threatening. I'm hardly over five feet, and DH is almost six feet. He's at least twice as strong as me, and he's taken karate/defense type classes. Trust me when I say, if we were fighting, I really wouldn't stand a chance and he could probably subdue me in like 2 seconds flat.)

 

I've looked up abuse charts a couple places, but whenever I show him that he always starts pointing out things and saying that I'm abusive to him. So I feel really confused about what is/is not abuse. Which is really awful because it *should* be really clear to me as a Women's Studies minor who is going to be working in a DV shelter this quarter! 

 

Not that the answer really changes the outcome at this point, I'm 1.5 quarters away from my BA so I really can't leave the apartment/location (not to mention the lack of $$$). But I kind of just want to know that I'm not crazy...

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Replies to This Discussion

Thanks MM. It's nice to know I'm not crazy for thinking it is abuse. He's agreed to go to counseling, thankfully.

Courtney,

 

I would say that you definitely need an outside (read: professional!) perspective on this issue.  I'm not saying your husband is abusive, but it's very common for abusers to turn the abuse around on the victim and say "it's your fault" because of x, y, and z.  

 

Even if he doesn't have a history of "abusing" you, the fact that he's getting physical in an argument is a HUGE cause for concern, in my book.  I tend to think that if you feel like your spouse is abusing you - if his behavior makes you uncomfortable, he should respect that and stop doing it when you bring it up.  Not respecting your wishes in the matter IS abusive, IMO.

 

I'm not saying your husband is abusive, but it's very common for abusers to turn the abuse around on the victim and say "it's your fault" because of x, y, and z.

Thanks Daniel. The above sentence was my main worry. Especially since when I bring up something I feel is abusive he'll turn it back on me and say that I do x, y, z too. 

 

He's also never been really physical in arguments before -- this just started happening recently. We're looking into professional counseling. 

 

 

 

I'm sorry, Courtney, but that is abuse.  Your husband should not be putting his hands on you in any aggressive way.

I'm glad you made it out of this round okay.  Please take care of yourself.

Thank you Mending. 

 

The confirmation that I'm not crazy for thinking it was/is abuse is really important to me. It's weird for me to always be second guessing my own opinions. We're looking into counseling now. 

 

I've also got friends I can stay with if things get worse. 

Sorry to hear about your ABUSIVE husband (imo) and you're not crazy... a women deserves to be treated as a princess, not a piece of meat... "gentle taps" ,,, oh please!  I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd just leave then come back a few hours later...

No woman should have to accept a relationship where abuse is part of the package.

I thought the same thing about the "gentle taps"! I couldn't help but think "WTF?" when he said that. I mean, why wouldn't you just ASK someone to move? 

 

As for the leaving and then coming back later, I'll definitely implement that into the next fight if it even starts to get mildly physical or out of hand. Seems like a smart move. 

 

I've also got a friend who I can stay with if necessary. 

Their are two kinds of abuse.

Physical abuse can lead to injury and death and low self-worth and is usually accompanied by mental abuse. Mental abuse by itself can also be just as deadly. When physical abuse is present it can create fear in leaving to avoid physical retribution but can also trigger the desire to get help and leave. Mental abuse creates a sense of loneliness, low self-worth, a trap of not sensing the depth of abuse sense it is not physical so the person hangs in hoping for a change. But this will lead to depression and if sever enough may be the cause of a suicide. It may be in the form of criticism or ignoring the presence of an individual.  If you feel lost then take a holiday away from your partner and give yourself time to think , clear your mind and experience life without the abuse to get a clearer picture, and seek help from a non LDS councilor on how to resolve the differences.

Good luck on your journey and hopefully your husband will get help and be able to turn himself around. Remind him that his karate training should have taught him to respect others and defend the

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