I am a nevermo and my husband has been inactive the entire time that we have been together but his family is a multiple generations TBM family. Even though my husband is inactive, I feel like he always looks down at me as not as good as his TBM family.

As petty as this sounds, the fact that I won't bake home made bread has been a huge source of disappointment for him. We have two small children (ages 1 and 3) who he adores but I might as well have been his surrogate because he treats me with such contempt and disdain. I think we are finally at a crisis point. He said he was moving out and I asked him to do it quickly. I hope he will be moved out by next week.

I don't know what I am hoping to accomplish by this post. Maybe just to vent but I really don't understand the superior mentality. I don't think it is just him because I have received the same superior attitude from his siblings too. I don't understand how being raised Mormon makes you better than a non-Mormon.

I am so full of anguish that I gave him two beautiful children yet feel like my worth was for a uterus to carry the kids and not as an equal person or at least valued member of the family.

Views: 373

Replies to This Discussion

I'm sorry you're going through this.  It sounds, though, like some space may be just what the doctor ordered.  I understand what you're saying about the superior mentality and it's not right, but it's definitely there.

I think it comes from believing God has blessed you with something no one else has - the "Truth."  We're told in church all the time that we're a special people, that we're "elect" and "favored."  As kids we're told that God held us in reserve to be born at a particular time to fulfill a particular mission, and that in the premortal life we were especially faithful.  We're also taught to be humble, which is quite the contradictory message.

Your statement about him only valuing you as a mother (and homemaker) is spot on, too.  There's been a quote floating around the internets recently from Boyd K. Packer, one of the 12 apostles, who just a few weeks ago in a conference said that a woman's primary worth or responsibility was in being a faithful wife and mother.  The church is saturated with misogynistic attitudes toward women.

Hope things get better for you. 

Wow Heather.  I can see how painful this is for you.  Certainly doesn't seem fair.  Since it sounds like separation is already imminent, perhaps getting some space between you will allow you both to see more clearly and hopefully bring him around to seeing things differently, but not certain enough to get your hopes up.  You have done nothing wrong and so should not feel inferior nor guilty for what how your husband treats you.  Mormons somewhat see themselves as an elite group of God's chosen due to their beliefs that only Mormons who remain temple worthy make it back to the highest kingdom in God's presence.  That might be where his superiority complex stems from.  We can point blame and fingers till our fingers turn blue but ultimately it rarely accomplishes anything and just keeps us from recovering and moving on.  Hopefully you can pick up the pieces, share joint custody if you don't end up back together, and experience much more equality, peace and joy in your life.  We're here for you when you need to vent or get support.  Good luck!

Heather ~ I couldn't say it better than Daniel and Mike.

I was raised TBM and it was pounded into my head time and time again that we were 'special, chosen, unique' etc. My question always was, "then why do we seem like such backwards elitest who can't get a grip on reality??"

Obviously I didn't mesh well with the whole "my calling in life is not to think but to obey" attitude which is why I am here...

I am divorced from my first husband who was a 'mormon convert disaster'. While I never encourage separation or divorce, sometimes it is necessary. Time away from your husband will help you see things more clearly and give you the perspective you need to take the stand that is best for you and your kids.

The LDS church and its followers are a trap. Even though your DH is not active, he is still a part of that cult and the things that were shoved into his brain as a child will always be what determines his thought process unless he makes a HUGE effort to change them...not likely.

And to the Boyd K Packer quote and the unwritten law that a woman's purpose in life is to bake bread and make babies, all I can say is; I bake, cook, clean, I'm a wonderful wife, and an amazing mom, but their is so much more to me than that. This household slave chapter is just that one chapter in the book of my life. While i do all those things I also think, run a business, continue my education, maintain friendships, take care of my body through exercise, etc. I'm not a doormat and my purpose in life is not to sell my soul for the benefit of my husband and children. Again, another clear demonstration of why I didn't fit in well at the morg!!

Hang in there, things will get better. My guess is that once you spend sometime away from the wack-o world of mormonism things will look a lot clearer and much more manageable.

Wow.  That's really tough.  I guess you are seeing a side of your husband that's coming completely from out of left field.  Somewhere within himself, he must be longing to re-join the flock and return to TBM ways.  It may be tough to face but truths are really truths and imaginings of the Mo culture are not truths, regardless of whether or not our loved ones espouse them.  That he and his relatives see themselves as superior beings should be a clue for you.  Can you ever measure up to their Mo expectations? Sometimes devorce, no matter how anquishing, is an open door to a happier future.  Be strong and go with truth.  It can set you free.  Unless he is willing to truly come around to the real truths of Mo'ism, I can't see a happy ending....  Sooooo sorry for your ordeal!  I can relate.

Thank you for the replies. I have seen the demise of my marriage coming for a while. I will never fit the mold of someone raised in a TBM family. I was so naive in not doing my homework in the beginning. I never expected to be a single mom but I'm sure if nothing else, my husband will keep connected to our boys. I guess the only question that remains to be seen will be whether he will try and go against my wishes to raise our boys Mormon.

That won't end well. He has been inactive for 6+ years but I think the divorce will put enough pressure on him from his family that he will give in. I think Dugger was right that my husband is anxious to rejoin the flock. Sigh. It's all so wrong.

RSS

Our Stories

Follow us on
Facebook & Twitter

Videos |Stories |Chat |Books |Store |Forum
Your Donations are appreciated
and help to promote and fund LAM.
Make a Donation
 

Privacy Tip: Setting your profile/My-Page visibility to "Members Only" will make your status updates visible to members only.

Community Links

Map

Videos

  • Add Videos
  • View All

We are an online social community of former mormons, ex-mormons, ex-LDS and sympathizers. Stay C.A.L.M. - Community After Leaving Mormonism

© 2017   Created by MikeUtah.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service