okay, so here is my issue....
As we all know, Mormonism has a way of stifling sexual development. I'm trying to over come some of this, but I'm divorced now, no boy friend, and I'm just not comfortable with the idea of casual sex. This seriously limits the opportunity for sexual experiences and experimentation as you can imagine.
I've recently been toying with the idea of visiting an online sex chat site thinking maybe some role play or even just a frank discussion about sex would be helpful. The problem is I'm actually scared that it will screw me up more than my mormon marriage did just in the opposite direction. lol.
I'm just wondering if all the stereotypes about what you find on those sites are true? If anyone has experience with this and could let me know whether you think it could be helpful or not I'd appreciate it. Or maybe I'm completely off track and should just stick to reading erotica and waiting for the right guy to come along, I don't know.
Anything you'd like to add on this subject would be helpful I'm sure. What to expect or if you've found it helpful. I wish I wasn't so hesitant about sex but....it's hard to break the years of conditioning I guess.
Just try not to go too crazy to regret anything later. Have fun.
I'd like to say something, but fear I don't have anything to offer, except my own experiences. I do not have the experience of online sex chats. When I left mormonism and my marriage the internet did not exist. I was uncomfortable with my sexuality and I was able to be open to dating a non lds man
That was step one for me, being willing to date a non lds man. Of course I'd left the church, but had the church in me...left? Well, no, it hadn't. So, I had all the fears you can imagine pop up when navigating my first post lds sexual encounter.As it turned out he was a man who listened well, and who respected my fears. I explained them and in the end I was able to experiment alot sexually with him. That was great.
We didn't stay together. I had to work with "that urge to marry and settle down" or "have babies"..etc. IOW, I had to "observe" my programming come up and my spiritual practice was to watch it and allow it to pass on through me, without marrying, without getting pregnant. Ahhhhhhh. (sigh of relief) My so called spiritual practice was to keep reminding myself that I can have sex for pleasures sake and move on with my life. That it's alright. I can care about a person, love a person, like a person and I don't have to take them home for keeps. (G) I'm here to learn about me right now. I'm giving myself time to do that.
I also try to stay out of either or thinking. ie: "visit an online chat or stay home and read erotica and wait". When I hear either/or coming out of my mind I sit down and have a talk with myself. I remind myself that either or thinking is lying to myself because there are many options in between and ask it to bring me some of those ideas.
I don't know what your experiences have been or will be, I'm sharing mine. I feel you are brave to put this out there. Step one: saying what you are thinking you want and gathering information so you cam make an informed decision. So, different than the mo, being told what to think and feel. Wonderful Cary, wonderful.
Thank you so much for sharing this Chime.
I think I'm uncomfortable with challenging the idea that I have to be in a stable long-term relationship to do anything sexual. i am definitely willing to date non-mo/ exmo men, actually I would prefer it, but It is a little scary to me. I worry that I won't find someone who would be patient and understanding with my issues.
Thank you also for pointing out my all or nothing thinking. I do sort of feel like I could do some things that didn't actually require me to engage in an actual relationship - such as the online stuff- OR I could wait for someone to love me and want to be with me for the rest of my life. I haven't really considered that there is a lot of stuff in between those that are also possibilities.
You've given me a lot to think about.
Thanks for the comments.
Sex and my self-esteem have been at odds with each other most of my life so it's a difficult topic for me. I have the natural inclination to be adventurous and uninhibited but my experience and programming have all led me to believe that is not a good thing. I've gotten mixed messages about what is desirable and acceptable from pretty much everyone my whole life. I think I'm still living with the feeling that liking sex or being a sexual person is something to be ashamed of even though I know intellectually that it isn't.
Your warning about the cyber-sex route is interesting to me. My initial reaction was to ask how something that is really just pretend and happening in my own head be dangerous, but I somehow have gotten the message that it can be. Which is why I'm trying to get opinions and advice before I even try it. I guess maybe I am so naive that I don't know what I should be careful about apart from the obvious safety issues of identity and such.
Thanks to everyone for you comments....
I stopped being such a scaredy cat this weekend and just tried it.
It was interesting to say the least. Some of it was fun, some of it was weird and some of it was just way too freaky for me. I think I got what I wanted from the experience though, which is just to push my boundaries a little, to not be so afraid of things, to try to explore my internal sexual attitudes, preconceived notions, likes and dislikes.
Sex chat can be fun I guess, in the way that some people find porn fun (I personally do not), but I see now how it can also be destructive too.
It is completely clear that there is no substitution for a healthy, stable sexual relationship but I guess I shouldn't be afraid of new experiences either. I can decide what is healthy for me and what is not.
At least I can say I know myself a little better now.
This has been a really interesting topic for me actually.
It's interesting that you say the only thing that makes you really angry anymore is sex. I feel much the same way. At the moment I'm actually really pissed about all the hang ups I seem to have about sex. When I was leaving the church and getting divorced (simultaneously) I was aware of my issues with sex but still adjusting to being divorced so it didn't seem to matter as much to me.
Now though, I've been divorced for over a year and I could be having sex if I could get past my issues. For me it's not so much the sex itself, it's the way I think about having sex. I still hold on to that mormon idea that sex is a good thing but only in the framework of the right relationship. I've adjusted my view to not necessarily mean only marriage, but a stable, committed relationship where I feel loved. I do still believe that is the ideal, that's what I want long term for sure.
In the short term, I kinda want to have a little bit of casual sex...but even saying that makes me feel like a slut. I do though, I want to experience different partners and find out what I like and what I don't, I want to understand what chemistry between two people really is and if it's possible for me to have sex for fun and be okay with that.
I feel much the same way you do about porn, I've done some research about human sex trafficking and although I know not everyone involved in porn is a victim, more than anyone wants to admit are, especially those involved in user posted internet porn which are usually just advertising for pay per view porn. I can't personally watch it without thinking about that. To me the few moments of titillation aren't worth the potential damage. Also, I find it boring and usually devoid of the emotional component that makes sex so fun for me.
In my experimentation with sex chat, although it can be weird (certainly no substitute for a real partner) I like the interaction more, it's a way to experiment with attitudes and likes and dislikes in a theoretical way without actual physical risk. As long as you can approach it as recreational then it's a lot of fun.
It's been interesting for me to see how this topic is handled here, I've had a few private emails sent to me because people don't feel comfortable posting where everyone can see. They all have said this was a gutsy topic to post about and I'm not sure what to make of it. I guess I'm sort of pleased with myself for getting past the point of feeling ashamed to talk about sexuality.
Hi Worthyman, welcome!
Guilt and views on sex are things that I struggle with too. I've been divorced for over a year now and to be honest you've had more dates than I have. I don't really have any answers but I can share with you the things I've found helpful.
First, try not to feel like you "should" think or feel a certain way about sex. I fell into the trap of feeling like I should be much more casual about sex than I am. That I should have no problem having sexual encounters with people I don't love. But the truth is that's just not me, and it doesn't really have much to do with the church. I'm just not comfortable with the idea of one night stands, but neither are a lot of people who have never been mormon.
So don't feel like you should feel a certain way about it. Instead look at each belief and challenge it, try to sort out if it's part of your personality, or if it's being imposed on you by your experience in the church. The biggest thing I've learned recently is to not be afraid of sex but also not think I should be like a Jersey Shore cast member either, just because I'm not mormon anymore.
As for finding a woman to help you, I'm' sure she's out there. As you know and understand yourself more you'll find what your looking for. Just be open to all the possibilities.
On a more specific sexual note. I've found sex chat to be fun and helpful in breaking my mental inhibitions. I went through a few weeks where I did it a lot but now it's not such a draw for me. If you approach it with safety in mind and knowing that it's really for your own internal research almost, it can be helpful. I learned things that I may like and things that I definitely don't. IIt is absolutely no substitute for real sex, I'm sure, but it's kinda fun.
All the best to you.
I haven't really found a site that I like or feel like I would recommend, you can do a search for adult chat or even sex chat and there will be plenty to choose from. I've visited a few and had positive and not so positive experiences at all of them. Just see what you like. Remember though, that you're doing this so you can learn more about yourself. That means you have to pay close attention to you're reactions to different things, and honor those feelings. If something makes you uncomfortable, then change the subject or end the chat if you have to. At the same time don't be afraid to explore things that as a mormon you would have felt guilty about, you're trying to separate mormon guilt from your own sexuality. Also, have some fun!