I grew up in Utah county, and even though I think I'm fairly open-minded, I think I'm still a bit naive.  I've gotten a bit better (I didn't know about the clitoris till I was 17, and I didn't even realize people performed oral sex on women until I was 20, so it's not hard to be further along the path of knowledge than I was before...)  

I'm in a safe, loving, sexual, long-term relationship, and emotionally and romantically we've got a great love life, but we're lacking in our sex life.  It's just gotten boring.  

I'm not really sure where to ask, so I figured I'd start in the adult topics group.  Does anyone have any tips on how to spice up a sex life?

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If you're interested in practicing or learning more about cunnilingus (oral sex on a woman), I found this book helpful:


She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

I would also recommend adding toys to your love life if you haven't already, and I'm not just talking about vibrators.  Changing up the location or positions can also keep things exciting and passionate.

IMHO it's all about keeping it fresh.  There has to be something novel about it otherwise it gets boring just like anything in life.  I don't care how much you like a book or a song, if you read the same book over and over and over eventually it loses some appeal.  


And it's really hard to find the variety that keeps it fresh and fun.  Depends on your preferences and aptitudes... :)  


this thread could go a million different directions...

toys!! honestly I think this issue plagues all couples and not just repressed, innocent former mormons. I have found I really like toys. we really like toys. and I like toy shopping on line. I like to go to the more upscale sites and look and see and read the comments and the instructions. I like to hear what people who do have more experience think of various toys. I also have a few podcasts I like that are often very candid and informative.

you and your partner can browse and research together and sepretly and see what might be fun to try. that can be fun too, toy shopping together. ;)

but do your homework, dont' be afraid to look into things like how to use them, what materials are best and safest, proper cleaning, lube lube lube!
Sexuality in a relationship has it's ebbs and flows.  Nothing in a relationship is perfect.  If your sex life is boring, you need to verbalize what you want from your mate.  If you don't know, then here's a suggestion or two.  Look online for ordering some sex toys.  Using toys on each other can be lots of fun.  Looking at pictures, or, ordering a catalogue to view together can be half the fun as well.  Your mate probably doesn't know what else to do.  You didn't mention her age.  There might be hormones lacking here.  There might be aspects of sex that are uncomfortable for her, and she's ashamed to tell you.  Learning to communicate without judgment for a woman is so huge, I cannot even begin to go there.  My body changed immensely after a hysterectomy at 29, but I didn't understand exactly what would happen, and when things started changing, I thought it was all my fault that I wasn't responding well.  So many aspects of sex.  Communication is key.  Doing it tenderly is even better.
Perfect thoughts.  Communication.  Verbalize what you want.  In the 'sacredness' of intimacy in my own marriage it often felt taboo to even talk about sex and what was working, what was not, what we wanted, etc.  Once we got over that, allowing for honest communication about needs and fantasies and giving equal time to what was NOT working, we key.
Varying partners, by mutual consent.  Our evolutionary past suggests that this is perfectly natural and desirable...if we can get past all our negative conditioning from sources such as the church.  Read Sex at Dawn.  Totally mind blowing in a conservative, anthropological sort of way.  It'll get your mind on track.
"negative conditioning from sources such as the church."  Brian, if you've read any church history or D&C 132, you'll discover that the church has absolutley no problem with *men* having varying and multiple sexual partners.  

That was "church," lower case...which means "the church" in general...not just Mormons.  Open lifestyles are anathema to hierarchical churches, since they believe and teach that sex outside of marriage is sin,impure and simple (which I no longer believe...totally and completely).  And even the Mormon Church extended privileges to men that they never extended to women...as we all know...and to say the Mormon Church has "absolutely no problem" just isn't so.  Only the first presidency can approve re-admittance to the Church where plural marriage has been practiced...AFTER they kick you out as fast as they can if you engage in it, or anything like it.

This is one of those verbotin subjects we don't want to discuss with our daughters, because it gets discussed in school.  But clitoral stimulation and self exploration would probably prevent future problematic relationships with men if women already knew and were comfortable with their own bodies, and knew that it is reasonable to express those views to their partners.

Desire and sexual intimacy are not a product of god. Taint the almighty that crawls in the nighty.  Communication is the key, number one, and such.  Guilt and shame for having "unnatural desires" can be killers in a romance. Away from the heat of passion have a sincere talk that is non confrontational using the "I feel" techniques.  "Nothing is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so" - Bill Shakespeare 


Desire and sexual needs change during relationships as the dopamine induced high of early romance is replaced by other neurotransmitters over time.  Find out what desires your partner has and try to accommodate those desires.  If you are weireded out by the requests then try to understand the request.  On tip I have had when counseling people is to ask each partner how they masturbate. Most people masturbate with the techniques that give themselves the most pleasure.  The techniques such as slow, hard, soft, fast, gentle, rough, toys, natural, lotions, candles, exotic clothing and combinations of these will give you a guide.  Roll playing, submission of control and other fantasies can rev up things too.  Pure technique is not a sure bet, but people are more interested in getting in the mood if they know the basics of achieving fulfillment will be employed.  There are many good references available for guides and exploration of techniques and fantasies. 


If you have good communication skills with your partner then use them and explore your unfulfilled expectations.

One thing that's fun and that helps us teach our partners is masturbating ourselves in front of the other person.  Most of us enjoy watching from time to time, and it helps us know what to do for them as well, if there are times when actual intercourse isn't possible.

Excellent suggestion.



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