I am going to be completely honest. And  I feel like, in some ways, you guys may be the only people on earth capable of understanding where I'm coming from.

SOMETIMES I MISS BEING MORMON. There. It's out.

I don't miss the crappiness of it. I do not miss twisting my brain to try and ignore the controversy. I do not miss wearing a skirt in winter. I do not miss the culture even a little. Oh gosh, do I ever not miss those gushy-gushy people who would say "with every fibre of my being" in their testimonies! I do not miss biting my tongue so as not to insult the presiding authority who had no clue what he was talking about. I do not miss 8 hours of conference every 6 months with 4 children.  Most of all, I do not miss the haunting thought that I was a mere accessory to my husband's salvation and that my own value would be lost amidst a mess of celestial polygamous wives. Indeed, I hated Mormonism even when I was Mormon.

This is what I miss-I was really good at it! Here's the deal...I am a list person. I have lists everywhere, and I like to check things off. Sometimes when I do something that was not originally on the list, I will add it to the list just so I can check it off. And dang-I was almost done the Mormon list! I almost had it going on.

Now, I hardly know where I`m going. Yes, it is sooooooo much better to be Christian. But admit it! It is also soooooooooo much harder.  It is HARD to not know all of the right answers before the question is even asked. It is hard to be genuine every day instead of donning the perfect Mormon mommy mask and just going through the motions so that everything appears perfect. Everyday requires sincere effort, and sometimes I fail miserably. MISERABLY. And on these days, I wish that life was easy again, even if it sucked. Because at least then, I had the check list to lean on.

Today is one of those days. But ,thankfully, today my kids are rocking out to ``Awesome God``. I asked my son to say the blessing at breakfast this morning and he really talked to God-like He was really there and He really heard.  My oldest is getting packed to go to bible camp, and he is hyped.  Yes, life is better even when it is harder. And it is ever so much more worth it just because I know Jesus really does love me. ME. The miserable me that is typing on the computer on the beautiful summer day He made for me,   Even the crazy stupid me that thought it was even possible that God gave Joseph Smith a revelation for the world.

And the world keeps turning...and life gets better (and harder). And yes, I sometimes wish that I could be completely naive again in my polyester underwear because it was easy when you were (almost) perfect. However, it`s easier to breathe when I know that I`m not and that it isn`t all about me. It`s all about HIM, and I`m OK with that because...well, because he`s Jesus! And I couldn`t walk away from Him, even if I wanted to, because I`ve never known a love like His.

His grace. AMAZING GRACE. And it saved me.

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Replies to This Discussion

Well this is really interesting. I'm glad you posted your thoughts. I'm not an ex-Mormon but I get what you were saying, I think. It's a whole different deal living under grace rather than the law. The apostle Paul talks in the Book of Phillipians about his life as a Jew and how he was surpassing all his contemporaries in his zeal and accomplishments. Then he says something really interesting. He says he considers all that he had "gained" in his former life as garbage in comparison to knowing Jesus.

There was something in that well ordered life that you were leading that appealed to you. It probably was related to a sense of accomplishment. Now there's nothing to accomplish because Jesus accomplished it for you on the cross. It's a whole different mind-set.

Bless you and congratulations on your new life in Christ.

Uncertainty is freedom that I never had as a mormon, and it is really the biggest challenge for me, what to do when you don't have a guilty conscience driving you?

I don't know! lol I struggle with that, too. It is hard when fear and guilt are not your motivators. I also learned to desensitize myself to most things-even joy because of all of that "loud laughter" bit. Now  I am learning to do things because I love them. For example, I am on the worship team because I get JOY out of serving that way. Here's a crazy thought, but do we actually get to let our own happiness motivate us??? oooooh, thats edgy! lol

 

 Marmanold, Amen to that!

There was a lot I didn't concern myself with, like Relief Society.  I didn't like it at all,

and was pretty clear about it all my life.  No Molly Mormon for me!!  There were too many 

rules in my opinion, and it was impossible to do everything that was expected,

which left little time for creativity that wasn't about fliers, posters, or food for some event.

If mormons had time to be anything but mormons, I don't know how they did it.

 

What an awesome read! Thanks!

I can identify with the 'list thing' (Pursuit of Excellence springs to mind) - I am sure hundreds, even thousands can too - so you are not alone.

The whole "attaining perfection" thing for certain personallity types can become a HUGE burden culminating in all sorts of hang ups, fortunately others even in their most fervent membership years never took that as seriously - I often used to envy them.  I can only speak for myself - .thank goodness I wisened up in time.

Unfortunately I cannot identify with the "missing mormonism" because being "set free by the truth, the real truth" has opened up a world so very different to the one that dominated most of my adult life which has already faded into a mere faint memory.

A great posting, thanks again

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