I recently was in an Ex-Mo plus still Mo discussion on FB.  I was one of the only participants willing to call it like it is in the LDS faith. Even though there were PLENTY of others reading along who could have easily said the same truths I did. I was not mean or harsh, just truthful.  Just when I thought the conversation was ending, one of the Still Mormon participants, who knows me only thru friends of friends said to me:(below)

"i don't claim to know your story, but i know just enough about your circumstances to say that you have plenty in the way of reasons to be angry and hurt. i know you are still in the mourning phase of leaving the church. i think in some ways it's like someone dying and you have to go through different phases of grief. rage away my dear... for as long as you need to. i hope someday soon after you've gotten it all "out" you wil find serenity and peace. i recognize (to a small degree) your anger and pain and would not consider myself in any position to tell you what you should be feeling. i wish you only peace, healing, clarity and love my friend."

Does anyone else hear patronizing?  In a way, I was glad for a response that was in some aspects understanding to people who leave the church, and at the same time it made me absolutely furious! to think that she was trying to give me permission to 'rage' which I was not doing, and to make it seem like I was dying and needed to cope with my own death??  and to say she has really no idea what I am going thru and yet her comments seem to allude that she is some kind of expert on the matter, not to mention she is still a part of the cult.  I never once talked about anything personal in the discussion, nor wore my feelings on my sleeve.  Just seems like people who leave the church are viewed as such sad, raging, dying people.
I guess my question is for everyone, what should I think of this and what do YOU all think about this???  I just gotta get over that people suck and say manipulating things.

Views: 108

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

I actually found her response quite wise and not patronizing in the least.  It's actually the type or response I would expect from someone trained in human psychology.  She allowed you the space to feel however you felt and indicated that nothing is wrong with having those feelings.  I would expect a response like this from a Buddhist more than I would a Mormon, but that probably just indicates what type of person they are.  Not knowing the rest of the conversation I can't comment on much else than what you posted here.  In any case, discovering your power to not take what others say personally, can go a long ways to experiencing more peace.

It sounded patronizing to me.  The permission to rage would not set right with me also, especially if I was not raging.

It's hard to say, you'd have to hear the person say what was said.   In many ways she/he was accurate.  Leaving your tribe is a difficult thing to do especially when the terms are such that you are leaving because of fraud on the part of the cult.

Well, I guess you must have come off as angry to her. Sounds like someone trying to be open and understanding, even if she doesn't understand as well as she thinks. I would try to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was trying to validate your feelings, not invalidate your opinion because of your feelings. The fact is (and this is not directed at you at all, I have no idea where you are in life of course) that a lot of people do feel grief and rage when they leave the church, and it is justifiable. People tend to be over the top negative about it before they reach a place where they can be more objective. At least in my experience, and probably in her experience too. So she also may have been injecting some of her experience with others onto you when it didn't really apply to you. Basically, maybe she was off-base, but she probably means well.

Thank You so much for the replys.  It is always nice to have others objective input.  It always amazes me to hear differing comments when we all read the same thing.  Re reading it again today makes me less upset than at first.  
Mike- your comment made me chuckle because I realized her father is actually trained in psychology.  And thank you for reminding me to hold the power of peace I already have and not take things personally.
Idaho Spud- thank you also for validating my patronizing point.  I actually ended up sending this gal a personal message later and in her response to me she admitted her intentions were not quite as honest and good as she know they should have been.  
Elcid- thanks to you as well.  It was hard for me to post this because there was so much more written text on FB that was just too long to put all of it up and expect people to read it.  But hearing the whole story always seems to make a difference.  Just had to cut and paste and summarize.  
And Duchess- you are spot on too.  In her private message to me later she said just about all the things you mentioned in your comments. Thank You.  
Thanks again for the support and feedback.  


Our Stories

Follow us on
Facebook & Twitter

Videos |Stories |Chat |Books |Store |Forum
Your Donations are appreciated
and help to promote and fund LAM.
Make a Donation

Privacy Tip: Setting your profile/My-Page visibility to "Members Only" will make your status updates visible to members only.

Community Links



  • Add Videos
  • View All

We are an online social community of former mormons, ex-mormons, ex-LDS and sympathizers. Stay C.A.L.M. - Community After Leaving Mormonism

© 2017   Created by MikeUtah.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service