So let me start off by saying i have been a member of the "church of jesus christ of latter day saints" all my life. born raised and was proud to call my self a mormon. i progressed in the priesthood and scouting very well. my mother would always make sure we went to church even though she wasnt a member of the church because she was excomunicated for having an abortion (seeming as she had 5 kids and no father around) story goes my mom got with a guy had sex she ended up getting prego. him being the OUTSTANDING MEMBER OF THE CHURCH said he didnt want a baby with her so he dropped here like a hot pan! since he did that my mother figured it would be in her best interest to get rid of the baby a choice she still regreats to this day... but she did what she had to. me being a father myself i couldnt imagine doing that to my own son. so the bishop found out and said they need to have a meeting. well the DAY AFTER my mom just had the abortion was her meeting so she made it to the meeting waddled in there the bishop was outside talking to someone else and said hold on one second. walked over to my mother and said "what are you doing here?" my mom said in pain "im here for our meeting bishop" he said "ohh ok yea well we had a meeting about you last sunday at the stake center and we have decided to excommunicate you, you cant take sacrament you cant bare your tesimony and i cant even shake your hand"... my mother sad and in pain about a baby she just got taken from her walked away and the only thing she cared about (church) was takin from her to. With all that said now you have a backround of semi what my life was like. like many children out there my life wasnt easy i had rough times sleeping in our van, in various shopping center parking lots.. abandoned houses using garbage bags for blankets, dealing with my moms multiple boyfriends who would be on a the run from the cops. All this becaus my mom thought that since she didnt have the church in her life and the people at church made her out to be something she wasnt she had to act like an idiot, acting like god doesnt love her. i love my mom with all my heart nothing would take that away. Lets fast foreward a few years im 19 out of school going to church but then i move to UTAH with my cousin i figure "hey maybe i can find one of those pretty UTAH mormon girls" man was i wrong.... i didnt find no woman there who would accept me for not going on a mission because i didnt want to go on one and know that i was going for the wrong reasons.. but what i did find was marijuanna in that SIN it opened my eyes to see and express myself my TRUE self. i have never used any other drug than that and i dont use it anymore seeming as im in the USAF but that one breif puff made me see what my life needed to be like. I also another reason i had moved to utah was i was kinda interested in a girl my ccousin introduced me to over the phone (we had a long distance relationship for about 1 and a half years) she was a member. you could say it i was "in love" spend hours on the phone telling eachother how we love oneanother and how we will be together. so i saw her everything was great but i came to the realization that i could NEVER give her the things she needs because she wanted a returned missionary and i wasnt going to go for no woman. So i ended that, it hurt me so bad but i knew that EVENTUALLY she would get over me and get what she wanted out of life. I guess eventually in her eyes was ONE WEEK!!! after i broke up with this girl who said she loved me and cared for me and all that. SHE GOT MARRIED!! so that made my life depressing i would go to church seek help and healing there but didnt find it. all i found were judgmental  people. so i lived my life there in Utah working and living. i made the decision to move back to florida. got a job met a new girl we dated i lost my virginity to her she was an amazing woman filled with life. i was so happy with life with her but in my mind i kept thinking "wow you such a horrible person for not going to church and living a life of sin" so i got depressed bcuz i had been brainwashed all my life to think that its so bad to make love to a person you have deep feelings for. i wasnt wrong, not at all. so i told this gurl hey lets go to church and what was there nothing but judgemental people lookig at my GF like wth is she doing in here... so we went once or twice after that i was still unhappy. so i figured i should break things off with this woman bcuz my life doesnt seem happy "even though it was" so i just sprang it on her actually in the most rude way ever i said hey we shouldnt be together bcuz your not waht my life needs. I did this all bcuz i have been or i mean HAD been brainwashed all ym life to think that anything the church condones as BAD is a horrible way to live. but what i learned is that your life is meant to be bad or depressing bcuz in those moments you learn who you REALLY are. and thats who i found my two years being depressed led me to actually meet the love of my life, my current wife that i ADORE above all other!! and you know what led me to this fantastic woman? not paying tithing, singing hyms, talking to the bishop, going to firesides or EFY.... I met this BLESSING thru SIN! (well so its called thru the church) i am happy bcuz i was a sinner. i have a son bcuz i am a sinner my love is so amazing bcuz i am a sinner... i just think of how miserable i would of been if my life would of went down that road of living life like a SAINT.  i have alos struggled with porn addiction yea thats right its a thing i started when i was 12 or so.. that to me is more disgusting than smoking or drinking or shootin heroine. but thru MY OWN FAITH not the faith in the COJCOLDS (CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATER DAY SAINTS) i have been lifted from that burden the LDS church has never been there for me. i know the LDS church is a bunch of garbage i know joseph smith didnt restore anything to the world. i know the modern prophet is just some old guy that THINKS he hears god talking. i got somehting to say to that, i am GODS son and since i AM gods son i am capable of doing may things small or big. i believe in god and jesus christ they are my ROCK and my SALVATION thru them i will find my peace. not in the church, it is filled with lies and evil. i BARE MY TESTIMONY AND I KNOW THIS CHURCH IS NOT TRUE! AMEN

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What a painful experience you and your mother had.  I understand how working through your feelings of betrayl and disappointment have affected your life and belief system.  I admire you for moving forward.  Thanks for sharing.

 

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