Hello and welcome Grumalt. Thanks for sharing your story and experience. That's some heavy shit you were dealt at such a young age! Glad you've distanced yourself from the guilt inducing practices of Mormonism. It's no wonder Utah leads the nation in both depression and anxiety prescriptions and teen suicides.
To answer your question at the end, for myself anyways, the guilt mostly disappeared when I realized it was all a fraud and unsupported by evidence, psychology and science. Masturbation is totally natural and healthy. Those who would use it as a manipulation tool through induced guilt are the real sinners. I hope you continue to heal as you overcome the guilt indoctrination of Mormonism.
Help me a bit....
You shared that you tried to kill ourself at 2 years old?? ...you tried to OD on Gerbers?? How is that even possible?? Your brother taught you to masturbate at two?? This is not normal or even possible in my mind.
I speak (eh), read and write as well as teach Latin to my clergy, so I understand what you are trying to say in your attempt at Latin. The puzzel pieces do not fit.
I see some "non sequiturs" here. In a logical and pragmatic fashion, share with me and others what is up please. It just does not feel as it should :).
Non omnis moriar, Malus consilium quod mutari non potest,
It is horrible that suicide, teen pregnancy, and spousal and child abuse rates are so high among people who preach against these things. Most of my relatives live in Utah, 6 of them committed suicide, one of them killed her child and herself, there was some level of abuse in about 1/2 to 2/3 of their families. I would not say that any of them understood their religious beliefs. But I do know they were all suffering, and I can't say what the church did for them, but for the most part I think they suffered silently, because they thought others would judge them. I don't know what they believed God thought of them, but I can't imagine that they felt accepted, protected, or loved. It was wrong for people to think that suicide was a sin, when it is so clearly an expression of suffering. But who among those people who were in their own church were strong enough to listen and accept their suffering as it was, without trying to belittle or diminish their pain. Something was not right in their world, and they were not helped by those who might have helped thm.
You make an excellent point in an eloquent post. Mormonism is agrowth that causes many many problems. People will say that JS was a prophet even if JS himself said he was not. My point in that statement is that people suspend objective reason! They forget how to think and just go lethargic! and believe anything. What a psychosis this is!
Salt lake does not given one damn about other people or their members. People say that suicide is a sin, and I disagree with them. What, IMHO, is a sin, is the inability of people to reach out to another person that is in pain and disoriented as a person. There is a lot of misguiding going on. I have seen missionaries tell other missionaries that they will be a GA by the time they are 30, ...and the dumb kid believes it and fully expects it. Then, reality sits in and it does not happen. Missionaries are cannon fodder.
If Mormons would just reach out to their own members they might gain a modicum of respect in my eyes. People are ground up and spit out. I have no respect for the LDS Church Leaders, anywhere as they know what they do. People are the most important thing.
Grumalt, As a guilt-ridden comrade-in-arms from the trenches of Tryingtobeperfect, may I say I think I have felt something similar your anguish. I began beating myself up daily, all day, starting when I was old enough to understand that others' disapproval meant I was bad. Then one day a few years ago, while I was trying desperately to save my marriage (by perfecting myself, of course), I came across a book that changed my life. It is called Loving What Is and it is written by Byron Katie (a female). At first, I was so far down and so deeply rooted in Mormon self-flagellation I couldn't even begin to understand what she was telling me, but somehow I knew it was my answer, so I refused to give up until I could understand. About the fifth time through the book a small light began to flicker.
Here are a few gems that still make me weep with relief: "A thought is harmless unless we believe it." "No one can possibly know what someone else (or even you, yourself) should do. If you think you know what ANYONE should do, welcome to hell." "Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror." "The truth is no respecter of spiritual concepts." "You can't make a mistake. Everything is for your homecoming." "There's no sadness without believing a story that opposes reality." "Everyone is always doing the absolute best they know how at that moment." "No one is smart enough to judge another (even ourselves)."
Aren't they wonderful? So simple and yet so deep. If my heart can know these ideas are true, surely God knows it, too. He/she knows I am making mistakes all over the place and that it's the best I know right now. Maybe saying all this to you is a mistake, but here it is, warts and all, and I do sincerely offer it in friendship. Nell