I know there isn't much that you can help me with right now, but I was hoping for a minute that you didn't mind just reading a vent.
I am at work right now on the computer and this was pretty much the last day I have considered myself a Mormon after a long time of doubts that I have felt more at ease with by talking to other church members and bishopric that said that prayer and fasting would help my doubts go away. I stopped believing in any religion for about a few days but the feeling of guilt was too much that I felt peace when reading scripture, testimony and thought maybe I was back on the right track.
It wasn't until reading in D&C that talked about marriage by proxy for those who never got married, the practice of polygamy and creating spiritual babies in heaven with all your wives you had been sealed to on Earth, and those on other forums telling me that since I am asexual the only way for me to acheive the highest glory was through marriage by proxy of which I would be assigned a wife, and if I rejected I would have to in another degree of celestial life as a servant.
After a couple more hours of searching scripture, begging the lord to give me an answer of why everything is so confusing, why I can't live my life according to what I believe is right in my heart and still earn the highest degree, and why if I adopt a child as a single father someday I have to be separated from him in the kingdom unless I agreed to marry through an arranged marriage.
After looking at more evidence about Joseph Smith teaching that women are able to be sealed by proxy if not on earth, but then marries other people's wives and claimed to never have sex with anyone except Emma, adn then those same women which had been sealed to JS being sealed to Brigham Young also, and the church constantly changing what sealings mean and members all coming up with different answers, I knew that if there really was a heaven I did not want to be part of the heaven as described by Joseph Smith. After reading one scripture that doesn't conform to sermon, and seeing each member have a different excuse for why this is mis-interpreted, or claiming just to pray about it to see if this information is even accurate. I then realized that all my personal morals, values, and beliefs put me in a deep state of cognitive dissonance where after 4 months since I started doing some real LDS study, I then found that prayer wasn't going to be able to explain inconsistancies in the LDS church or even in the Bible, because for long I have been asking if eternal punishment made sense when someone is supposed to be forgiven of their sins, and why a loving God wouldn't really accept someone's plea to stay out of hell if they changed their ways because of what they couldn't come to terms with. After I realized I had nothing left in my toolkit to defend the church against critics with, I started to cry in tremendous pain in my room thinking that my life was over with and everything I had claimed to be I wasn't anymore, and I didn't want to be anyone else. Now I have to try to get the five children and my mother in my household to accept the fact that I will not accept any teachings of God just because of fear of the afterlife and what the Bible and Mormon church say happens to "non-believers." I am 23 going on 24 by the way. I live in South Carolina and I am a college student for elementary school education. I am still at the point where I feel sick to my stomache because my life going in a complete opposite direction as it was going before, I do not know what is in store for me now because I am going to feel like a hypocrite when I tell my friends and family about my true beliefs.
When I was 11 and baptized by personal choice I would have died if I ever had to figure out that someday I would say this.....
but I am a college student, a brother of 5 Mormon siblings, son of a Mormon mother, a former 1st and 2nd counselor of the Deacon's Quorum, a former member of the Teachers and Priests Chorum, I have been to the Kirtland temple, sacred grove, the hill cumorah paegent, and the johnson farm sure that I felt the holy ghost each time, and I still can't help cringing so tightly as I type this....
I am an ex-mormon.
Thanks for taking the time to read my venting and I hope it didn't waste any of your valuable time.
I am sorry for the pain this has caused you. I think it's natural to feel guilt and fear of having made the wrong decision after first leaving. It's so ingrained that you think there must be something wrong with YOU, not the doctrine. That's simply not true.
I, too, came to the conclusion that even if the church ended up being true, I wanted nothing to do with it, and it wasn't working for me. I wasn't sure at first if the doubts would ever go away. They did, and it didn't take as long as I expected. Once you break free of the LDS perspective, you will see that the world makes much more sense that way. It is far simpler to believe that the church is fictional than to jump through the hoops required to justify it.
It's a scary transition, and it sounds like you are well on your way. Continue to believe in yourself and your own reasoning (that's pretty much the opposite of what we were taught in church). ((HUGS))
"I, too, came to the conclusion that even if the church ended up being true, I wanted nothing to do with it, and it wasn't working for me."
This was my conclusion as well, along with "and if I do end up in a non-celestial state, at least I won't be alone."
An excellent bit of advice if I ever heard one.
This is why I despise many Utah Mormons. I grew up there and used to be on of those closed minded people. Now I live outside and still get angry about the naievity and smugness Utah Mormons (and many Mormons in general) have and don't even realize it. I'm happy to be an Ex-Mormon and can't imagine ever going back.
Yea! Finally another asexual ex-Mormon. I'm one too. It's extremely difficult to be part of a church which considers you to be only the wife of your husband and the mother of the sons and daughters of Zion. You simply don't fit in anywhere. That was a huge problem for me. I simply didn't fit in.
I imagine that it's just as bad for a man, with all the pressure put on the men to marry in the temple. You could never be a Bishop without a family.
The sick-to-your-stomach feeling will go away. Once you've finally accepted yourself as an ex-Mormon and claimed your freedom, it's a wonderful feeling. A weight lifts off your shoulders and you feel free. You're being true to yourself and having the courage to face the truth. Those of us who do are the brave ones.
I've come to admire the ex-Mo community as some of the finest, most courageous people that I have ever known and I'm honored to be counted amongst them.
Welcome to the "been put through the ringer" gang! I'm glad you found us. We're a very diverse bunch, but all have experienced their share of angst while finding a way out of the Mormon church. This is a safe and compassionate place to be, and I hope you find friends and understanding here. The first year or two is an up and down experience in many ways. When those doubts come that you have done the right thing, log on here. We'll help.
I also wanted people to know my name isn't really Nathan. However, it is a name I like to use because I am remaining anonymous for now but will eventually reveal my true identity to everyone.
I don't hide who I really am like Joseph Smith.