I came across this letter to the LDS church leadership which explains the dilemma of thousands still active in the church, who only remain because the consequences of the alternative can be so great. I hope this letter brings understanding and compassion to those who are in this position, or who have decided they can no longer remain within.

Source: http://exmormonfoundation.org/messege.html
Support for people in this position: http://www.newordermormon.org/

Dear Elder (Name):

As one who suffers from within, I write this letter to inform you of the magnitude of a growing problem. I am fully active, fully worthy, and fully apostate. I remain active solely for the sake of immediate and extended family unity, and to preserve my marriage. The fact that I cannot act upon my knowledge about fraudulent church history and doctrine has created a considerable dilemma for both the church and myself. The church is filled with people like me, and if you do not address this dilemma, the church will collapse from within. This letter, therefore, is an appeal for your consideration of my personal dilemma, and to serve as a witness against you if you fail to act.

I am writing this letter anonymously because I fear the power of your unrighteous dominion. It is not acceptable for you to claim that you personally would not wish for those like me to suffer or fear. The “Strengthening Church Members Committee” has proven its reach in the true style of “1984 Thought-Crime” investigations and “Ministry (councils) of Love” discipline. Yes, I fear you, I loath your tactics and I forcibly serve you. If you doubt my claim of forced servitude, then you would be wise to withhold your assessment until the end of this letter. I am writing with the futile hope that you (or anyone) will care enough to resolve this growing and unavoidable tragedy within the church; the tragedy of those who know the truth and cannot act upon it without destroying their families.

I come from 1837-convert lineage. I grew up in the Mormon Colonies in Mexico; I was hyper-valiant in my youth; I completed reading the full set of scriptures by the age of 16; I had all the missionary discussions and missionary scriptures memorized before even getting my call to serve; I served a very successful mission in Mexico; I attended BYU; I married in the temple; I served in four different bishoprics, high council, stake executive secretary, gospel doctrine instructor, young men’s president, high priest group leader, and various other callings; I was a student of the gospel, and was known for my answers to difficult historical and doctrinal questions; I have attended the temple more than 800 times, and virtually have the whole thing (all ordinances) memorized; I am a set-apart ordinance worker; I am currently serving in three ward and stake callings; IN OTHER WORDS: I deserve your respect, and am not engaged in any unworthy activity, so before you categorize me into some convenient slot, think again.

I have five children, two returned-missionary-temple-married, one attending BYU, and two active in the youth program. My wife and I have lived our nearly 25 years of marriage completely united in our commitment to a gospel oriented home. My wife is one of the most valiant, unquestioning, devoted members you will ever meet. Our happiness in marriage was centered in the gospel. We have faithfully performed all of the home-strengthening practices (FHE, daily prayer and scripture study, etc) throughout our married years. Our children are strong in the church because we as parents gave them that foundation. We are your typical success story.

This changed approximately two years ago. The story about how it changed is long, complicated, and spans years of personal study, personal observation, and experience. Rather than rehearse the entire journey, I will only summarize the end results. Suffice it to say that I have discovered reliable unchallenged facts about church history, church operations, church doctrine, and church culture that have brought me to the undeniable conclusion that the church is not true. Not only is the church not true (meaning that it is not what it claims to be), but the church purposefully withholds (even denies) vital information that would lead ANY thinking person to the same conclusion. Finally, church leaders even boast about the moral and ethical justification for acting this way. This is the behavior pattern of a cult; it is inconsistent with the church’s own articles of faith; and it is the central reason for the growing groundswell of revolt from within. To ignore this fact is the height of arrogance. You are either stupid or you are devious; whichever you choose, you lose.

I have a feeling (since I cannot imagine a different possibility) that you already know about this problem. You already know that the church is not what it claims to be; you already know that Native Americans are not the Lamanites of the Book of Mormon; you already know that the whole story of the BOM is not accurate or historical or even a translation of gold plates; you already know that the Book of Abraham is not a translation of the papyri that it claims to be; you already know that the first vision account is not reliable or accurate; you already know that church history is a warped version of real history and real history paints a pretty bleak picture of church origins and behavior; you already know that spiritual “special witness” experiences are not what the average member believes them to be; and you already know that as prophets, seers, and revelators, you do not possess any such gifts as they are understood by the average member. You receive and even encourage unqualified trust in your special abilities, and you know very well that those abilities are not special at all. You may be talented administrators, but you are not prophets, seers, and revelators, and you know it. Yet you allow members to revere and honor you as such. You are either self-deceived or you are willing deceivers. You know that members believe and teach that you have had personal physical visitations from Jesus Christ, and you know that you have not had this experience. Yet, you are willing to allow members to perpetuate this myth for unknown but unavoidably dishonest reasons. This is a pattern, not an anomaly. You know you are not what you claim to be (or what church culture teaches about you); and you allow this false perception to continue. What does that say about you and your integrity?

So, after coming to this awful realization that things are not what they claim to be within the church, what are my options? This journey was so disruptive and internally tumultuous that I chose to travel it alone. I was absolutely certain that there were solid faith sustaining answers to each disturbing fact. Finally, after I had absorbed the magnitude of the truth, I tried to share it with my wife. To her horror, she saw that her husband had gone into the unthinkable realm of “apostasy”. At first, she resented me for even looking; then she denied the possibility that any of it could be true; then she tried to stand on the shaky ground that even if it was true it did not lead to the conclusions I had made; finally, she clings to the defensive posture that I cannot be smarter than you (how can so many good men be wrong and her imperfect husband be right?). This is where you come into the picture. This is where the church comes between me and my wife in our marriage relationship. This is where the damage is done in countless other relationships. Do you think that you can escape responsibility for this damage? Do you doubt your complicity in creating this wedge? Can you understand how people like me come to a point of powerless resentment against the church? I suspect that you cannot understand such things, because if you did you would use your influence to make necessary changes.

There is nothing more ironic than the saying that “A man can leave the church, but he can never leave it alone.” The truth is that “A man can leave the church but only if he leaves ‘alone’”, or “A man can leave the church but the church can never leave him alone.” You would gladly split up my family rather than allow my knowledge to draw them away from the church. You have proven such intent in both policy and practice.

I am trapped in the church; of that there can be no doubt. And yet I perceive that you do indeed doubt such an idea. It seems foreign to you that I would claim to be trapped in an institution that glorifies agency. But surely you can see the cultural elements (which you support) that limit my options. Extended family relationships are high-pressure control mechanisms. My leaving the church for doctrinal or historical reasons would have a devastating and disruptive impact on the entire family network. You glorify those who leave their families to join our church and at the same time you demonize those who would leave the church for whatever reason. You stereotype those who obtain damaging “truth” as intellectuals and apostates. You encourage an atmosphere of exclusion against those who have information that would damage faith, even when that faith is founded upon false data.

Your efforts of withholding and denying truth have had the result of destroying personal integrity. I know things that I cannot openly speak about, even with those closest to me. I lie in temple recommend interviews so I can go to the temple to see my own children get married, and because my wife is comforted by the image of a temple worthy husband. I lie to my children when they question an aspect of church history or doctrine, because the truth would place them in the same pressure cooker I am in. I lie to my wife because she finds the truth so disturbing. I lie because telling the truth is more painful than a comforting lie. And I learned to lie from you. You are lying to the membership by your silence (and denial) regarding information that is vital to faith. People base their faith on incorrect information; you know this; and you remain silent. You lie for the same reason that I lie; because people prefer a comforting lie over a disturbing truth. I am trapped here because of the culture you have created, and I am reduced to using the same tactics you use at the expense of personal integrity.

Your understanding of the culture you created and perpetuate through established programs is dismal. You preach adherence to the guidance of the brethren; you promise blessings for obedience to programs and leaders; you build a structure of dependence and hierarchical authoritarianism; you inculcate an environment of conformance without regard to individuality; and you do all of this with the stated intent of blessing and improving lives, relationships and family bonds. Your programs have evolved into a culture with the opposite effect than the one you intended; members feel constantly inadequate regardless of their effort; families pressure struggling children with bad advice that comes from your talks and books; you raise the bar, a blatant slap in the face to those who do not fit within your misguided program. Programs flounder not because of poor execution but because they are poor programs. When such negative results reach your ears, you are saddened that the poor members just do not see the vision; that they cannot learn the vital lessons. It never occurs to you that your inspiration and leadership is the flawed element. Either you are uninspired or uninformed, but your leadership is causing more suffering than blessings. But this is not really about bad programs. Rather, it is about faulty foundations. I do not expect you to acknowledge that the church is not what it claims to be, but I demand that you acknowledge your part in the failures. Stop blaming failure on the members. It is cheap and dishonest.

So, I am angry to the point of despair. I do not expect you to do anything with this information, except try to track me down and deal with me through your secret “committees”. I would resign today if I thought my family could remain intact. But I will continue to coax my family closer to the truth with longsuffering and gentle persuasion, and when they can see the real story without demonizing their father, son, and husband, then I will relish our departure and be rid of you and your unrighteous dominion. Someday I will not be so afraid of your influence, and I will confront your abuse of power directly.

Your success is over. You had a small window of opportunity to be forthcoming and open, and you have missed it. History is against you. Science is against you. TRUTH is against you. As you become more closed and protective, you will appear more ridiculous from the outside. Even though you will probably interpret this result to be “prophecy fulfilled,” the result will be the same. Enjoy your last breath of illusory comfort, because it will not last.

I am not alone. I am part of a growing community of knowledgeable members who will not be silenced for long. You have no idea how to deal with us because you fear our power. You fear it because you know that truth is on our side. I would feel pity for you except for the inexpiable arrogance that you currently display without remorse. The law of the harvest will be your undoing. You have sown seeds of benevolent deception; you shall reap a harvest of faithful rebellion.

Disrespectfully:

Faithful Apostate

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Powerful, powerful writing! I can't help but wonder if the Elder in question is as much or more of a captive of the system as the writer of the letter. Think how much more he has to lose by his coming clean. Is their silence wrong? Maybe. Is it hypocritical? Probably. Is it understandable? Most certainly. I am of the opinion that men in patriarchal societies are as victimized as the women they preside over.
That's a very interesting point that I hadn't thought of. That very well could be the case. Lately my wife's bishop has expressed some things to her that sound like he's more like a new order mormon than a complete true believer.
OMG is all I can say to this letter! I wish I could put it on the door of ALL my neighbors. Will the truth so bluntly come about and the church will fold like a house of cards? I doubt it.....
Unfortunately you are probably right about the church not collapsing like a house of cards. One can dream though :-)
Not sure if I told you this....My Aunt and Uncle are very much CATHOLIC...staunch catholic and their son coverted to mormonism for a woman he fell in love with. How do you get people to listen? How do you get people to talk like this man did? Why can't you take this to the news media? I'm a "nevermo" and I guess if we do it to the LDS Church than all other viable "organized religions" would then undergo the same scrutinty? How agonizingly painful for this man, to live a lie, then lie to your children, your wife and over years possibly they will begin to know the truth. It makes me sick to my stomach.
Either for your own understanding, or that of your brother or other loved ones stuck in mormonism, you may want to get Steven Hassan's book, "Combating Cult Mind Control": http://www.amazon.com/Combatting-Cult-Mind-Control-Best-selling/dp/...

This book isn't written about mormonism but since it addresses the tactics used by cults and some religions to keep people trapped, you will likely find it very interesting. Also, it explains his role as an exit counselor and how to go about planning and carrying out your own intervention to rescue someone from a cult (which mormonism definitely is a cult). Much of the media, at least in Utah, wont touch mormonism because the church is so powerful here (money $$$). Good luck!
This letter is so powerful and expresses much of what our family is currently going through. I did not remain silent and my marriage and family is on the brink of the disaster this writer fears and writes about. It is not a pretty picture. The people in my family who do not listen heap all the blame on themselves for not being better members and trying harder and give the church a complete pass, which makes me ill to think about them choosing an illusory pseudo-religious organization over their family.

I agree that the men are just as victimized as women- "the beast" is not selective in whom it influences.

It is a law of nature that when there is an imbalance in the forces of masculine/feminine energies that the lesser energy will eventually destroy the unbalanced entity to bring back a balance for creation(s) only thrives when there is balance. In the scriptures any destructive cause is always iniquity, or 'unequal-ness'. In the case of overactive masculine energy in a patriarchal society, the feminine energy will destroy it by crushing it from within because it is the nature of the feminine to put form to what the masculine energy creates and energizes. In the opposite case where the feminine energy is out of control, the male energy will explode the corrupted form to pieces.

Suffering in silence is a feminine energy. God bless the person who wrote this letter for his sacrifice on behalf of his family. My heart goes out to him. The sad thing is that he will one day have to make the terrible choice he is avoiding because a person cannot live in spiritual health with such an inner turmoil. It will beg to be noticed so it can be resolved.

I just read a book that addresses the issue of dealing with the blind ego who will not see the need for change and unfortunately, there is nothing that can get through to these types of people- nothing! If you are in a relationship with such a person, the only thing to do is to cut yourself free from them or they will drag you down. There is an invisible force that will draw you into a downward spiral if you try to use logic and reasoning every time you try to approach the subject. Believe me, I have lived this for many years not knowing what I was dealing with. As Paul says, we fight not against things we can see, but against invisible spiritual corruption in high places. "High places" meaning the fallen spiritual realm.

C
Such an incredibly powerful and sorrowful letter.

I'm saving it for my oldest daughter who is just starting to find her way out.

Much love to the author.

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