I was born in the covenant. I was the girl that your primary school teacher would say was so special, or that the young women's leaders would point out as the example. My first two years of college were even spent working in the religion department. I was the meek, humble girl who was the picture of the perfect mormon female. But this was all my facade, my silence ensured that no one knew my secrets but god.

 

My first doubts in the church emerged when I was 9 or 10. And honestly, my first "evil" thought was that maybe the other churches around me where true, which of course led to the thought that maybe my church wasn't. I was scared shitless. I knew that I couldn't let anyone know about my evil thought. So, I spent the next decade in silence, never letting on to anyone that my faith had cracked. Various events and further study led to my "deconversion," but they are too much to talk about here.

 

To appease my mother (and take advantage of cheap tuition) I went to a church school, planning to indulge in every sin imaginable despite the fact that most around me would be TBM. Surely there were some like me here. I was wrong, I couldn't find any until just recently. The only good that came in those years was that my immediate family lost their faith--with absolutely not pressure from me. They managed out of their own.They told me about their loss of faith before I confessed my own that had existed for years.

 

Now I am a senior with only one semester of school left. I feel as though my whole existence is falling apart. I am so tired of lying to people and having friends that I think wouldn't like me if they knew about me. Recently I began letting a few choice individuals in on my secret. Most have remained my friend, but most have also tried to reconvert me.

 

I have been lurker here for some months now. It was actually my dad that suggested I visit one of these support sites, but it's still hard for me to tell others how I feel and think about the church. I think I'm afraid of rejection. But honestly, I just feel so lonely right now. I am far from home and literally alone in a world where no one can accept me. I have a bunch of jackmo friends, but its not the same. /end pity rant

 

So if you got this far, thanks. I know that was a ton to read, I hope I can get to know everyone here better.

Views: 486

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

When you leave school and go out into the "real world" you will have the opportunity to leave that community behind you. In the mean time, do the best you can, and know that there are people here that are willing to listen and be supportive of you. You CAN make it through. I like how Bliss put it - put that on you wall or mirror as an affirmation to see daily. {{{{{Hugs from Ohio}}}}}

"I thought to myself, I don't know who that guy is, but if he is the guy who is making me sit here and listen to all of this, then I don't like him." LOL! A most amusing quote.

 

Ironic, isn't it, that several paintings commonly found in LDS churches show Jesus playing with little children?  I would think people, being Christ-like, would allow nursery to occur during these sacrament meetings. 

On a similar note, I remember attending Catholic mass around the time I was 6 years old and being in a room separate from the chapel so the priest's sermon wouldn't be interrpted.  I wonder if LDS churches could have something like this.

"I thought to myself, I don't know who that guy is, but if he is the guy who is making me sit here and listen to all of this, then I don't like him." LOL! A most amusing quote.

 

Ironic, isn't it, that several paintings commonly found in LDS churches show Jesus playing with little children?  I would think people, being Christ-like, would allow nursery to occur during these sacrament meetings. 

On a similar note, I remember attending Catholic mass around the time I was 6 years old and being in a room separate from the chapel so the priest's sermon wouldn't be interrpted.  I wonder if LDS churches could have something like this.

Thank you all for your replies, they do mean a lot to me. I'm definitely looking forward to the "real world." Truth be told, life has gotten a lot better since I've been more honest with myself and those around me. I think I just feel so anxious because after this silence, I have a comparitively short last stretch before freedom.

 

I'm also excited to get to know you all better. :)

I think you'll find it's much less stressful to lead an honest life being honest about who you are than the one where you have to lie. I understand going to a church school, being surrounded by TBM's, having to keep it secret for survival. I'm anxious to hear about your journeys in the "real world" when you are able to leave that environment. I am glad you have your family to support you. It's always a relief to hear someone's parents either fully support their decision to leave or leave as well!
I got really, really lucky with my family. I had to wait a few years, but they did figure it out. I can't imagine what it would be like to leave the church without your family. That's one thing I really resent about the church, my immediate family has decided to keep it a secret from the extended family--just to keep the peace.
Your not alone here.We have all had our own struggles in leaving an embedded belief system.The one thing I can say is the sooner youre honest with yourself and follow your heart you will find peace.Then life will be a new miracle,and you will see and feel things differently.Keep up the fight and remember you are the only one who can please you.Innergy...

Glad that you found this site, everyone here is extremely supportive. :)

 

Some advice just from what I've heard: if you're a church school, especially BYU, be careful who you tell about your disaffection. You're almost done and I've heard of people being expelled for leaving the church. Good luck and you will be so much happier when you are free to be honest!

Noirceur, you will feel so much better when you're away from the church-run school.  The real world is so very different, and you won't feel like you have to hide yourself. This is a great board, and I know you'll find a lot of support.

RSS

Our Stories

Follow us on
Facebook & Twitter

Videos |Stories |Chat |Books |Store |Forum
Your Donations are appreciated
and help to promote and fund LAM.
Make a Donation
 

Privacy Tip: Setting your profile/My-Page visibility to "Members Only" will make your status updates visible to members only.

Community Links

Map

Videos

  • Add Videos
  • View All

We are an online social community of former mormons, ex-mormons, ex-LDS and sympathizers. Stay C.A.L.M. - Community After Leaving Mormonism

© 2017   Created by MikeUtah.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service