Ok I will give this a try. I am sure there are other stories on exits far more interesting than mine. But I think this will be very theraputic for me :) So I apologize in advance for any ramblings or things that make no sense :)

How to start?I grew up in a very abusive home. The things that happened in our home still shock me to the core sometimes. My older brother will say it wasn't to bad, well he wasn't home alot and when he was younger he doesnt' remember a lot either. I think he has blocked it. I have been "blessed" with an amazing memory. I wish I hadn't. I remember almost everything from the age 5 and on. Every slap, push, belt, being choked, you name it. I think in some way my mother thought the church would make things all better and go away and we could all "live happily ever after".

We were introduced to the LDS Church through a swim coach of my brothers. My father was stationed in Korea at the time and my mom and us children took the discussions over a few months. My dad finished his time in Korea came home and my mother wanted us all to be baptized. The missionaries zipped dear ole dad through the discussions in less than a week and we were baptized. The day after our baptism we moved from Georgia to Oregon. Things were "ok", My dad did try hard to not be abusive. It did not last long. About a year. So we were sealed in the Temple. After that things got worse. My dad did not attend church yet made us go with my mother. I never had a desire to go. But I tried my hardest to live the principles of the church as best to my ability. Around 14 I ventured away from the church and was allowed to stay home. During that time I was love bombed relentlessly. I was finally guilted enough by my mother, older brother, peers and leaders at church.

That lasted until I was 17ish. Where things got so bad at home I had to move out and away from my family. I got my own apartment and started working and dating this guy who was a huge jerk. But was interested in the church. So I gave it a try for a month then couldn't handle it. I felt so sick everytime I walked in the church. During this time my older brother was on his mission and was constantly sending me guilt ridden mail and on my birthday he pieced together pictures of the "great and spacious" building scene to make my birthday wrapping paper. I felt guilty and decided it was my fault for not attending as to why I would feel that way. So this guy lost interest in church after a while and me(his family is very catholic and opposed to the church majorly) at about the same time because I decided to go back.

At around 19 I stopped attending church again, yeah I know, I was in and out an awful lot :) But it never had anything real behind it as far as research goes. I had issues, ie, polygamy, they were very controlling etc.

Fast forward to when I was 20 a whole year :) and I was meeting DH and we got married in the Temple. His family would have it no other way and they were already opposed( *gasp* he did not serve a mission) to us getting married. We went on and off up until 2003 then we were pregnant with our 2nd and he passed away shortly after birth. This was a very horrible time for us and everyone at church just wanted to give us all the answers. Except there were a few "well have you repented of such and such or did you do this?" Totally made me outraged. We stopped going for a few months then got back into the swing of things.

Dh was Ward Mission leader for a year and that was a very odd experience that caused us to question somet hings concerning missionaries. 2006 Dh joined the Army and we were stationed in Germany. We did not go to church but one time and we just did not feel right. So we fell into not going to church but not "breaking any rules" During DH's deployment I really started searching and trying to figure out what really bothered me. I brought this up to him a few times and we decided we were done, it was nothing more than a cult and it had damaged us in a few ways. We did not want our children to experience those things or to be around DH's fanatical parents. So here we are. We have not officially resigned YET. We are working on our combined letter for the kids and I. Pluse we live in Germany and have to figure out if we have to do it any special way. Probably not but we just want to have all of our ducks in a row :)

I told you this wouldn't be amazingly moving :) But it is what it is. And I am glad I have a place to come and vent and have intelligent conversations about real life relevant issues to this world and our lives :) And not mindless Sunday dribble :)

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Thanks for sharing you story. I think everyone's story is interesting and will likely help somebody out there.
Lisa,

This is not a boring story at all. My DH and I lost our last child to SIDS just 6 days after he was born. The people at church were amazingly kind to me - but my DH is a nevermo and it was cruel of them to tell him he couldn't raise his son in the next life unless he converted. And I never understood the mormon explanation (he was perfect and so just needed a body). It was hell and I am so sorry you also had to suffer something so traumatic!

Kudos to you and your DH. I love hearing families who get out together! Keep us posted.

Deb
As a TBM could never understand how HF could allow good LDS families to lose a child. It has to be one of the worst things to go through and the only explanation to me is that there is no God.

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