...miserable. She wasn't able
to be with her mom like she wanted or her family. And sex, if possible, got
worse. She spent and bought and purchased her way out of her depression
and then it would get worse when our bills came due. She was miserable,
though she had literally all the free time in the world. I would have killed to be in
her position, but I was working upwards of 60 + hours a week at times to get
this project I had been hired to complete off the ground.
I had 2 callings in the church. And she had been called also. It was tough at
times for the language barrier. But in a couple of months I figured out a lot of
phrases and began to pick it up. After a year I did quite well in conversations
so I was ok, though I never studied like I did for the language of my mission, but
she was completely isolated in her depression and chose to not try to
assimilate or learn. She did have a group of other American women to
associate with, but when it's forced and not chosen they weren't the type that
she would choose to hang out with so it was really hard on her.
My life became work, working out at the gym we had in the condo, and
swimming with the kids and going to church. To make things worse, I worked
the nightshift since I worked on an American schedule. So on weekends I
would try to force my body to switch to daylight to spend time with the family,
but after 3 weeks it messed my system up way too bad. So weekends became
me and my xbox 360 at night, and browsing online. By that time I had studied
enough to know the church wasn't what it claims and I had really began to
emotionally divest myself of it. But 31 years isn't easy to get over in a couple of
Sex became even worse, and I got sick of it. I looked at porn again. Then at
about 2 in the morning I heard the door open from behind. Of course, I was
using a new browser and I moved quickly to 'x'it out of the screen...but 2 tabs
were open, “Are you sure you want to exit out of both tabs?” Thanks a lot Steve
Jobs... So I get busted. She is crushed...again. Shocka. This time I hold my
ground, “I am sorry, I am a sexual person, if I don't get it from you, I will get it
It was the first time she realized that the 'church' couldn't be her first, last, and
only line of defense...but she had no way of dealing with it or even know how to
rectify it. I wanted sex. But sex was evil..how could she comply? We had a
massive argument, not the only one, but this time it was the most pointed and I
was the most blunt. I had received oral sex in the 9 years of marriage less than
10 times and even then it couldn't be considered 'real' in my mind..just a
teasing pretend that quickly transpired into me doing what she wanted...same
ol', same ol.
She was in freak out mode. Porn was now at the front, back, sides and middle
of her mind from then on. I made some friends with the management of the
company and I told her I would spend my time out with them and not online at
all, or I would just play the xbox 360 on weekends. (every hour or so during the
evening she would burst from the bedroom in attempt at 'catching me'..but I just
played. Call of Duty and many others are such good games...thank you Bill
This worked out for a good while. Come to find out the 'management', though
married, were not LDS and didn't care about their fidelity at all. I hung out with
them, but never did what they did.
So I started to read books on weekends and during my free time. Two moved
me to tears. 1984 by George Orwell, and the other Atlas Shrugged by Ayn
Rand. I did enjoy the 'validation' my political conservatism was looking for in
them, but it was the dissertation and philosophies on sex that moved me to the
break point. I cried for hours when Winston in 1984 described the relationship
between him and his first wife Katharine: 'She had not a thought in her head
that was not a slogan, and there was no imbecility, absolutely none, that she
was not capable of swallowing if the Party handed it out to her.' (Part 1,
Chapter 6, pg. 67) Katharine hated sex, but insisted that she and Winston
should try to have children for the Party.” The way Winston describes his
encounters with her...he knew she wanted to enjoy it...but her mind had been
completely bent to big brothers will and being who she truly wanted to be was
an impossibility. But every Thursday no matter what. (Every THURSDAY and
Winston is crying about it! What a wuss! That's like...once a week! I wouldn't
have known what to do and would have been ecstatic and beside myself!)
Then in Atlas Shrugged, and the relationship that Henry Reardon had with his
wife Lillian and then with Dagny Taggart and Francisco..etc.. Just the concept
of giving yourself, wholly, completely, and willingly just because you can and it's
what you want. That was so foreign to me. But in LDS...you can't. You can only
do that for God. He is always there and always between you. Ayn Rands
philosophy about sex. (A million opinions on the subject, but I made my own
and it fit my current world view at the time quite well...well enough to break me
to tears reading the book.)
I opened up a Facebook account to keep in touch with friends in the states.
Immediately I had a lot of local friends and employees on my account as well
as a lot of stateside. One local 'friend' proved to be extra 'friendly'. Even though
I was a married man, it was beyond flattering to be perceived as an object of
affection. So we chatted and chatted.
Well, the company paid for the flight to let my wife and kids to go back to the
states for a month and half to see family. I had my 'friend' come over the next
day. You can't imagine...black lace bra, black lace panties...I made her leave. I
sat there alone in my condo contemplating the abyss of hell and eternal
progression in tears. For 3 hours I sat against a wall on the floor blubbering
and convulsing in tears, weeping and 'gnashing of teeth', literally. (See the
church is true! They nailed it on exactly how your torment would be! Sarcasm
people.) The hardest and longest cry of my life. What would happen to my
family ties and my children? I would never see them again, ex'd, no more
eternal unit, no eternal burnings for me, just outer darkness ...ad infinitum. Then
the contrast...living an eternity of invalidation. Living an eternity where I am the
beggar, begging for scraps from Longshanks table. (Braveheart). Living an
eternity where 'joy' is exactly there, yet never to be had. Our walls were built, we
are just not compatible. Either way, I don't know how I made her leave, but I did,
..just to have her come back the next day...same thing. I made her leave. I still
had polygamy thoughts via Joseph going through my head and I invited her
back the next day. Finally I said, “Enough, I am making this choice.”
I failed. I own it. It's my failure, no one else. I knew how to talk to her, I knew
how to push her buttons and I am the guilty party for inviting her over. The first
night after, I sent her home and I cried for 10 hours straight, there was no path
of return I thought. It was over. So now I had to figure out how to be there for my
kids. Easy, be Joseph Smith and lie. Wife called me that day, “Hey! I am so
worried...I had the worst dream of my life. You cheated on me. It was horrible.
You didn't? Did you!?”
(maybe Lehi's dream wasn't BS!)
“WHAT!?” (Faux-righteous indignation) “No way! You are crazy!”
“Ok..well, I am just worried now.”
“Oh my gosh..you are crazy, it's ok.”
“Ok..love you. Do you still love me?” (that phrase became the theme from then
“Of course! Gosh, silly! Love you.”
(Enter Doc Holliday, “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.”)
She worked where I did, and literally nothing but work, food, sex during random
times, places, and locales, and laying in each other's arms and watching TV
and eating out.
Sad, but life had meaning again. I was happy. I was. It wasn't just 'happy' it was
beyond it. To have someone who prided herself in her sexuality and aimed it all
at me. I hated garments as it was. So the first time I saw her on the bed, black
bra, black panties, voluptuous body, jet black hair... I, in some bout of
herculean celibacy, turned her away, but the moral is that the LDS woman can't
compete. They just can't compete to something like that. Garments are meant
to repress and destroy the sexuality in a woman, this woman held nothing back
and I drank it all in. Swam in it. I felt more appreciation and validation by her
more in one night then I had felt in 9 years. She just wanted sex and enjoy it.
She didn't need the 'spirit' to prompt her it was ok.
I agree you can't base a relationship on sex alone, but I know I am to be with
someone where sex is more of a priority than just 10 minutes every other
month and immediately shove the garments back on.
So she flew back. In my mind I wanted to play the 'polygamist' role and say, “I
truly love them both, there is obviously room for both, so I'll just keep it quiet.”,
but, I don't see how that can work. I resented my wife to a degree, but more
than that I felt a deep seated angst at the church for destroying in her what
could have been something truly amazing and unifying. But she was so
conditioned and doctrined to believe sex was an abhorration that she carried it
into the marital relationship. But can you blame her?
LDS LifeCycle: Born. Baptised. Church, “Sex is evil wrong, be wary! Don't
date til 16 and only then groups..marry RM, evil sex, bad sex...” Date. Now
President Oakes, “Oh NOES! The youth actually are OBEYING our
council...uh...start pairing off! No more groups!” (Damned if you do..damned if
you don't...) Find partner. Get engaged, “Be CAREFUL! ETERNITY IS ON THE
LINE!!!” Pray, Pay, Obey. Temple Marriage and literally after one 'yes' later:
“Where are the KIDS! BIG FAMILIES!”
Sounds great..uh..but that requires sex.
Though we fought and fought and argued over it the 9 years, I was intellectually
honest enough to not demand her to be who she wasn't. You can't change
someone. You can force something, but they hate and resent you for it and I
knew I would never force her to do or be what she didn't want to do or be. I do
know there are some of the “old school” patriarchal bastards out there, “You
will submit to your husband” types..but that is a Pyrrhic victory in my opinion
and how they can look at themselves in the morning and be happy inside is
beyond me....(this coming from the adulterer (see Doc Holliday quote above)).
For the next 8 months I lived the lie. Kept it secret. I told myself, I will NEVER
ask for sex from her again. It's not worth it, if she is interested she can ask now.
So then, after I stopped asking, immediately I was the bad guy for deviating
from the script, “I am worried? You don't ask me anymore!?” Yeah, I was the
perfect glutton for punishment: Chinese definition of insanity, “Keep doing the
same thing and expecting a different result.”
I said, “I am done asking. I am beyond tired of being shoved down and having
it thrown into my face. I am now pre marriage in sexuality (Hypocrite I was, I
had more sex in that 8 months than I had in 9 years...) and I am not going to
ask you for it again. If you want it? Fine, by all means know that I am willing to
comply. I just don't have it in me to continue being rejected, after 9 years I have
learned my lesson. You win.”
She said, “Well, I am just weird.”
I said, “That can't be the only reason. I doubt it, but I am going to ask anyway.
Were you abused growing up?”
She said, “Oh no! Never.” (My BS detector agreed, I would never suspect that
to be an issue also.) She continued, “I don't know..I just have a low sex drive, I
I said, “Ok, I can agree with that. I can even respect that.”
So of course it then removed me emotionally from her. Why do all the
necessary things, why add all the necessary ingredients and then go through all
the motions to baking a cake, just to be forced to longingly look at it and never
actually eat it? So I stopped the cuddling, the hugs, the off handed touches
throughout the day that she used as her validation. I had no validation from her
and no way was I going to bother anymore. So we had the perfect business
relationship. We were companions, hang out people, parents in agreement to
raise out 2 kids. But what she couldn't figure out is why I was pretty much happy
She asks me a lot, “You still love me?”
“You aren't going to leave me?”
Contract ended overseas after a year and half. I'm still the liar, and hypocrite. I
am doing all I can to be with my kids and am playing the 'church game' to be
with them. I still don't ask for sex. It's been over a year and a half and I think I
'initiated' 2 times in that period. First 'initiation' was met with rejection again.
So now that we are stateside I tell her we are going to go the Bishop.
Her words, “But what will other people think if they find out we see the
Then it hit me. “We gotta get counseling for this.” I said.
“But...my parents, and people, I am worried what they'll think.” She returned.
“That's exactly the problem. In all of your thoughts “I” mean nothing. It's only what
“They” will think. So of course..sex is evil..what if the neighbors knew we had it.
You are so worried about what the neighbors think. I am done with them and
their opinions on righteousness. This is us. You must think in terms of me and
She agreed, finally.
In her mind the Bishop is her authority figure. I was hoping to get him to say,
“uh..hellooo? You are married...it's OK?”
We sat in front of him and I just said, “I hold the church indirectly responsible for
our intimacy issues. I can't 'prove' it empirically, but I feel she has carried the
cultural guilt that she has received from the people who are part of this
institution into our marriage. All of the teachings on how evil and bad sex is
before marriage can't just be pushed aside after the temple marriage 'yes'. So
now she has 2 conflicting ideals in her head and can't resolve them. Sex is
bad...but you must have sex for kids..”
“Well, you are married. It's ok to have sex.” He said. (Kudos to him for that.)
Then to get control of the dialogue he said, “Well, I am just curious if you had
any preexisting expectations on what intimacy should be like before you got
'preexisting expectations' was the codeword for = You had a porn problem,
I said, “I am from a family of all boys, absolutely we used coarse language, and
had base assumptions on various things. I have heard and told bad jokes. I
admit it. As a pretend Alpha Male, I do have a high sex drive.” I continued, “My
contention is that Joseph Smith was the only Mormon at his time if you think
about it who was a 100% product of 'Mormonism' when he had his visions
directly and was given the intelligence and knowledge to restore the church.
Then he spent the remainder of his years growing it and keeping outward
dogma and external ideals from infiltrating. He spent most of his time putting
down false traditions. But after his death, in my opinion, they infiltrated and all
the 'personal opinions' and ideals of others were given free reign. One of those
is the idea that the more you 'deny' yourself the 'holier' you are. I reject that. We
are here that we might have joy. We are told to bridal our passions, not destroy
them. When you bridal something, you keep it in check and under control, you
are able to guide to the correct path, but once on that path and in the right
conditions you can gallop at full speed.”
Then he says, “Well you can't gallop forever.”
I said, “I wouldn't know...I rarely get to ride let alone gallop.” (Now I just turned
my wife into a horse....geesh. I am a jerk.) “I can't tell you what she was taught
during her Young Women's classes by her teachers. I don't know who she
associated with growing up. But I can say that from what I can deduce, it's
partly her home life and partly her religious upbringing.”
Bishop, “Well, I've never noticed any of that, the way you describe it.”
Me, “I mean, her family is honestly the most sanitized group I have ever met.
Sexuality, the topic, we all know that in that home it's an unwritten rule that 'sex'
is completely taboo to be brought up in that family. No one will, and no one
dares, and no one does. (Her mom is the perfect Utah Statistic for Prozac.
She has all the symptoms: Stake President's wife and living according to the
fear of what the neighbor's think. When she is off her meds she is a wreck. In
my opinion, I now know why, but I will concede that depression is complex and I
shouldn't paint with broad sweeping brush strokes.)
I went on to say, “I am honest enough to know you can't force someone to
change. There are a million things I love about my wife. (And there are. She is
amazing in a lot of ways.) I respect who she is in that. I can even respect that
she has a low sex drive. But that respect, and all the ways she is a fantastic
person, do not mean I have to live with that. (It sounds like all I got married for
was sex...but FYI, I can do anything else BUT SEX in the current situation with
ANYBODY, male or female, outside of marriage...and that's how it's been with
us. So, at the end of the day, if I am not going to get my selfish sexual wants
met, I will change the environment until it is where I am getting my selfish sexual
Well, after that meeting with the Bishop, she finally grasped how serious the
situation was. She has initiated more and actually attempted oral sex one time
to a degree I would consider it 'real'. But it's not who she is. I am grateful to the
attempt, but it's just not who she is and the guilt will hit her like a freight train.
She just needs to find someone compatible who is on her level if not more
stricter. It's done. I destroyed the hope for her change. And also it's just a
fleeting change. Already things are moving back to the same and I also don't
expect her to change. My jerkness is to the degree also that I am secretly
hoping she doesn't to justify myself even more when our relationship ends.
For more research on book 2 of mine I checked out “In Sacred Loneliness”.
She flipped. Porn has fallen off the front of her mind now, but now she is trying
to be the 'thought police'. She is now worried I am reading 'ANTI-MORMON'
literature. I have been quite upfront. I am tired of the guilt this system
perpetrates. (Many would argue it's because I shattered, pillaged, and maimed
my baptismal and temple covenants, hence the guilt...but I had been feeling
guilt starting at about age 9 when the 'Strength of Youth' pointed out my eternal
damnation for masturbation...OH NOES!!! *Runs around with hair on fire...))
Well, sad when the actual history is a threat to current belief. I drop thoughts
here and there and ask her many questions to try to break open her mind. But
it's a lost cause and my heart isn't into it. I don't want to ruin her worldview. But
now she is the 'thought police' and is even more worried about the history
books I am reading as opposed to Porn. I guess I am just hoping that after we
are over, I can just prepare her for success with her next 'TBM' as opposed to
going through a vicious cycle and find another 'me'.
Painting with the BroadBrush
Once I found an article on the “Double Bind”...the matrix finally had substance
and I could pinpoint all the guilt. Adam and Eve were “Double Binded”: “Don't
eat the fruit...to become human...but you must have kids! And in order to have
kids...you have to eat the fruit to be human. So..Do NOT eat the fruit..but you
MUST have kids.” They were damned on all accounts...exactly what the binder
is looking for: You are never good enough, never worthy enough, never praying
sincere enough...ad infinitum.
Joseph Smith pulled the same tricks. “Sell the Book of Mormon
copyright!...What!? I can't be wrong...YOU are the guilty one. Oh..well..uh...it
was from Satan anyway..or a test..yeah ..a TEST!”
“Hey babe...(door creaks open, in walks husband)..uh..Oh! Uh...nothing to see
here, well, other than God commanded me to have your wife. Yeah! That's it!
God commanded me to take your wife! But uh..it's just a test, don't worry,
nothing wrong here,..uh..but I will take your daughter..she's a spry looking fiery
tart..younger and hotter. Fourteen you say?”
I don't believe, life being hard enough as it is, that God will then deliberately
mess with us and jerk our chains. Is he that petty? I don't believe so. So I am
happy believing in God, and I even dig the concept of him being in human form,
even to the extent that GodJesusGhost are separate and are the CEO's
running the show! I love that doctrine. But that's as far as it goes. In the world
of pretend, that's my pretend, as you are all entitled to your 'pretend'. I am not
going to jihad anyone or force them to see things my way.
The TBM who reads this will say, “HA! The common denominator is PORN,
internet, church history and facebook! DEATH TO TECHNOLOGY!!! We must
BAN the internet, we must change the history (which they overtly have in some
instances) and be at war with Eurasia only...until the prophets say otherwise!”
To that I will say, “Porn is the symptom to the greater problem that no one
wants to face. The church is so embarrassed by “The Deliverance” backwood
hillbilly polygamists of the early days who founded the club, that they now have
overcompensated to keep a clean image. This in turn has caused them to
villify sex and sanitize the history to the point of overt lies in some cases to just
omitting key facts to keep the 'faith promotion' and frame the debate. The
church is in denial about this, so 'Porn' and 'homosexuality' are the new LDS
Red Scare. It, the church, cannot bear to even think that it could be the creator
of it's own problem. The church knows...'If we lose the women...we lose the
church' and so porn is on the sermon oven and the heat has been turned up to
full blast and the men who actually think that 'sex' is necessary have the very
real chance that they will marry a spouse whose world view on sex is exactly
the product of the conference talks and cultural society they have been put
In my worldview now, pornography is the symptom. Not the problem. Even
then..if both parties are fine with it..porn isn't even a problem or symptom.
Whatever you do in your own home..and it's legal..and It doesn't effect me
unless I want it to...GOOD ON YA!
(My educated guess / bias opinion) The 'broadbrush' truth: 98.3% of men on
planet earth have looked at porn. The other 1.6% are gay...and look at gay
porn. The 00.1% remaining who have not partaken of the forbidden fruit are
commandeering the reins of the Good Ship Mormon and projecting their 'work
your way into heaven' world view onto us, the sinful masses. Well, I am trying to
be like Jesus, I love my fellow man/woman and do all I can to serve others. But I
can never be like Jesus for my physical form is not half deity. I am 100% the
lineage of Adam, fallen. But, if the accounts are true, he did die for me. But I
hope the “Q” manuscript is true and not just some rewritten mythos taken by
others to use and weaponize. Because people are only good and no one is
looking to usurp power over others...right?
I just do not buy that God put us here to fail and to send us to hell. Life is too
beautiful and I intend to enjoy it and help others do so as well.
Church Issues aside from what has been mentioned above:
In the world of the tangible and real, something can be justified as being
labeled 'true' if it can be replicated and is repeatable. In my book I wrote, it
focuses on demons and angels and pre-existance etc. Then I read all that
Joseph Smith had to say about demons and Satan, and there is A LOT. Then it
just hit me...how were they having all these 'visions' / 'spiritual manifestations' / '
Glossololias / Tounge Speaking' / 'Angelic Visitations'...and yet none of that
happens now? It just does not, and for those who claim it does...it then
becomes a matter of sign seeking or not having enough 'faith'. How quaint.
The answer hit me like lightning. Is it because God has ceased to be God? Is
God not a God of miracles still? I would argue...yes. He is. It is our methods
and means in which we approach him and get the visions that have changed
and therefore it is no longer duplicateable. This took me to focus on the Word
of Wisdom. Under the current rules and system there is no way we can
replicate the methods in which Joseph Smith and others were able to have
'visions'. They used entheogens and psychotics. It made perfect sense. I went
online later...and lo and behold someone wrote the same argument. In my
opinion the drugs were approached as neutral tools only. How you approached
them determined their efficacy and outcome. They would darken the windows,
bar the door, and then would open with prayer and song and then bless with
prayer and partake the blessed 'wine and bread' of sacrament. The 'laced
wine' was kept under lock and key. And ALWAYS after it was administered the
Holy Visions and meeting would get in full swing...literally.
After the accusation was presented to that very degree...ta da! The
sacramental wine was immediately changed to water...by revelation. Of
course, how nice.
Racism, bigotry, and misogyny of the past along with current Prop 8 really
chapped my hide. If they, the GLBT's have found a happiness and acceptance
that is eluding the LDS...why take that away? They aren't even part of the club.
After going through what I have been through, I now take a different view on
homosexuality, I am more and more confident that it is hardwired. I know how I
am in terms of sex. I looked at it as a 'choice' only. Well, once the genie was
officially out of the bottle...I don't see any reason to be forced to hate myself for
it and deny it and self loathe over it.
From Tironian script to all the pretzel logic and cognitive dissonance you have
to engage in to justify theology..I am done. If I am wrong on my accounts. I don't
want the 'clique', the guilt, the “work and never, ever be good enough.” I am
mentally and emotionally exhausted and tired of it. I will see God at judgment
and say, “Well, I was wrong. Sorry. But after reading and hearing all the
information I could get, this was the most educated decision I could make.
Why did you put in me a sex drive? Why? Why give me something and then tell
me to self loathe myself for having it?” That baffles my thought processes. I like
people. I am friendly. I like people more than rules. I choose happiness and it
can't be found where I was. There are radical changes coming up to my future.