|“Right, branded on my brow.|
Wrong, printed on my mind.
You see. The seed is in me.”
--Front 242 06:21:03:11 Upevil: Religion.
Mid 2006 is when the walls came down.
I definitely made mistakes along the way, but in hindsight they were the
mistakes of the overzealous and intellectually dishonest (that's my description
of me at the time, not pointing at anyone else, since now I am an 'individual'
this is my story). I let what others think dictate my actions. But in the end, the
actions, my mistakes, are/were my own and I own them.
I was 'born in the covenant'. Seminary grad, rarely missed church growing up
and rarely still do. I was True Believing Mormon through and through. Family
home evening never consisted of actual family meetings, but religion and
politics were just the average topics of home when I would chat with my
brothers. By the time I finished high school I felt that I knew all the doctrine and
had shocking indoctrination into all of the faith promoting rumors. I was the
Morality Police and Word of Wisdom taliban. I weaponized the theology to be
used on the girls in my school and other people and followed the rules to the
letter. I missed my junior prom by enforcing my own moral code on myself, “No
way am I going to the Prom and risk being in close with a girl”. So I put up an
arrogant front at all times and was a complete cocky jerk. The hotter the girl,
the more derision I projected at them. (Not that I could have dated her
anyway..but I was the hero of my own story...) This of course led me to be the
judge, jury and executioner in my minds eye when I projected my belief system
onto others, as is the case with most religious zealots. Various personal
experiences that I attributed to the doctrine even led me further down the belief
rabbit hole, though now they can be logically explained.
Summer before my mission was the best summer of my life. Got in better
physical shape than I already was by working out all the time, working hard at
my job, and just enjoying life completely oblivious and carefree. Friend to
everyone, and hair grew out to hippie proportions, and since I am the most
drug free human I know, it was thick and long and I got more than a few
compliments about it. I loved it as well to be honest. One thing I noticed now in
retrospect, that was the one summer I never really paid attention to the
theology. We had the internet in our apartment and low and behold, Pr0n!
('Porn' for those out of the 'know') I am sure I have an addictive personality
since my father was an alcoholic until I was born. (My mom ultimatum ed him
and he gave it all up cold turkey. I am super proud of him. I grew up in a very
loving environment even though he had an authoritarian streak at times.) So I
about died at how hot the female form was and I kind of kicked myself for
treating them so bad in high school. Then the guilt set in. (Oh NOES! Naked
chicks!) I ended up dating, during a fantastic make-out session I felt up a
date's boobs, went to the bishop in self loathing and confessed. Then was
given a 6 month sentence for it, no sacrament. Then I messed up again, 18 ½
and felt boobs, confessed to the same charge again, “Dog returning to it's own
vomit, yada, yada..” and was given a year. Though the 'bar was in the process
of being raised', and I hadn't 'fornicated', I went out on the mission at 19 ½, not
too conspicuous in terms of 'worrying about what the culture thinks'. It was
more of an, “Oh, he is probably just saving money since his parents aren't
rich...” And I was saving money, so I didn't kick myself too much. Dated a girl
who turned into my girlfriend. It became her life's mission and goal to get me
on a mission. It worked.
Bought my mission clothes and had saved enough for a couple of months of
my mission, but my mom and dad worked their guts out to pay for the rest of it.
Put in my mission papers. Met with my 'home ward' stake president to be
greeted with, “If you plan on going on a mission, repent of your sin and cut your
hair.” That took the wind out of my sails, but I am far from thin skinned in terms
of letting anyone get me down, I was too busy doing it myself to myself. Yet I
still kick myself for letting myself give away my power by letting his words cut
into me and to begin what I noticed the changing of my happy go lucky attitude.
So I took approximately 8 inches off the length...baby steps, ya know :), so it
was close to my ears and I gelled the heck out of it to raise it higher up and
went back for round 2.
“That's not a missionary haircut!? If you plan on leaving, you cut your hair, you
must start being a missionary now.” So the hair came off. Got my calling. By
being so exposed to the Book of Mormon growing up and paying attention to
all the lessons and internalizing them, I really had a solid grasp of the Book of
Mormon, I knew all the doctrine and where to find things, but I never had the
actual storyline since I never read it completely cover to cover once. So three
weeks before MTC, I figured I better get the storyline down as opposed to just
the theology. I will admit, the build up in 3rd Nephi rocked my world. From the
believers being threatened with death if the signs didn't appear to the
descending of Jesus amongst the Nephites, I was blown away and it all
Served a mission 97-99. 1 week into the mission and my transformation was
complete. I became the taliban personified to a degree that put my highschool
persona to shame. In a matter of 7 weeks I went from completely happy go
lucky to completely authoritarian. RULES come before all else. SAFETY in the
rules. SUCCESS in the rules. IF you can keep the WHITE HANDBOOK
SCHEDULE for your entire life YOU WILL BE SAVED NO MATTER WHAT.
The theology took on a reality that I look back on in full fear at what I would have
done had the prophet given the order of anything else aside from missionary
I was in the MTC throughout Christmas season, mid November through
December. We heard many prophets and apostles speak. During one
meeting, I am not sure exactly who it was, It may have been the MTC President
who spoke. Either way, the gentleman received a letter from a mission
president in South America. The letter stated that 2 missionaries got abducted
while tracting and a man held a gun to one of the Elder's heads and screamed
for him to deny his faith. The missionary stated he would not, the man pulled
the trigger then ran. The bullet entered the missionaries head and somehow it
was deflected from penetrating the missionary's skull, but instead followed a
curved path under the skin around his head and came out of the back. The
missionary, though bloodied, survived relatively unscathed with bruising and
only puncture holes from entry and exit wounds. We were all in shock. In my
mind's eye I thought, “I am immortal...bring it on world.”
Behind the rules...I was an empty dead shell. I was completely
miserable...especially when others weren't keeping the rules as good as I was.
Then I looked into the mirror and it hit me, as if my bottled up depressed
subconscious was just begging to bring me back, “This sucks..this isn't living. I
am a complete jerk and I love rules more than people.” Now even with this
realization, I then had to figure out...how do you love the people? My only outlet
was to still keep the rules, but at least I figured that the white hand book was
exactly that...a guide only.
Needless to say my trainer and other senior companions could never be good
enough in my eyes. We never tracted enough, we didn't pray hard enough, they
didn't speak the language good enough, or try to strike up conversations with
random 'fellow family members of God' enough, or felt “Godly Sorrow” for the
people enough. I looked to all of the above reasons as just extra tic marks on
God's Master Excel SpreadSheet in preparation for my judgment and
damnation. I drove myself insane.
Then President Charles Didier shows up at a zone conference / mission
conference...and then lays into us about how ineffective we are. Then he gives
us 'techniques' on, well..for lack of a better phrase to describe them, 'used car
sales'. He says, “When you approach an investigator be confident and hold
their gaze. Then hold out the book like this..” he holds the Book of Mormon
resting on top of his left palm while holding the edge with his right hand. He
continues, “Then, when you present the book and they see it and reach down to
grab it, give it a tug! This is something you don't just give away, this is sacred!
Then, when they are surprised at your slight pull back they will look up at you.
That moment of eye to eye contact is when your spirit can communicate
directly with theirs and then you bear testimony, 'It is true!'”. (I still can't find
scriptural backing in this tactic working, but hey, when you are making it up as
you go...why not!)
Though a zealot, I had a sense of humor...it's a family thing that was ripped
from my psyche during my MTC zealot days since 'light mindedness' is evil and
that's all I was before I got to the mission. My only coping mechanism with the
behind the scenes guilt I had no idea how to define, was destroyed by the
temple...but I'll get to my thoughts on the temple later. But, at this point, my
humor somehow slipped through.. The next day we met up with some
missionaries at our favorite restaurant for lunch, “Pass the fork..” I presented
the fork in 'Didier' fashion. He grabbed, I tugged, then he looked at me kind of
miffed like “What's the big idea, moron.” Then I said, “It is true!” The tiger was
unleashed and from that point on testimony was born over all commonplace
items that needed hands for exchanging. (Another reason for damnation on the
spreadsheet tally...) A slight tug on any random item would then trigger the now
Pavlovian trained response and the Elder would instantly swivel his head
around and bring the face within mere inches of your own, eyes staring, locked
into a mental vice the savviest of Jedi would envy, then you had your
opening...“This sock is true!”. (Which...when you think about it...the sock is
tangible..and serves a real purpose...so that is a true statement! The socks,
forks, spoons, backpacks, coats, and everything we used as a joke, in
hindsight, are literally true as compared to the mental system/maze we pushed
Later in the mission, I delved into Joseph Smith's teachings after I memorized
my discussions in the language since I was allowed to finally have study time
outside of the language. The Teaching's of the Prophet Joseph Smith by
Joseph F. Smith. It blew my mind. Then I read 'Answers to Sundry' questions
where he denies polygamy. The polygamy thing always ate away at me. Well, I
took the answer at face value and said, “SEE! They LIED about him! It was all
'ANTI-MORMON' propaganda.” But still I knew that Brigham had matter-of-fact
practiced it...but I guess since it wasn't Joseph I could use the 'out' of “Well the
church is perfect, yet the people are not, and since Joseph denied it's
practice...that's the way it was regardless of who said otherwise.” I even found
a copy of the 27th wife in one of the local universities...didn't read it since it
was for sure all fabricated ANTI-MORMON literature.
Then I read the strongest, most powerful piece of theology I could ever read.
Joseph Smith was able to bridge the divide and justify the contradictions in the
bible in this sermon. It blew my mind.
“God said, “Thou shalt not kill;” at another time He said “Thou shalt utterly
destroy.” This is the principle on which the government of heaven is conducted
—by revelation adapted to the circumstances in which the children of the
kingdom are placed. Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is,
although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire. If
we seek first the kingdom of God, all good things will be added.”
I didn't have any of the back-story or context, but it didn't matter, Joseph was
most definitely a true prophet.
Every door I knocked on and got turned away became an “OH
NOES!!!11!!ELEVENTY!!11, I and they are going to hell for I wasn't able to
present the perfect door approach. I am a failure!” moment.
Day in and day out. (God's “You're damned, here is the proof, spreadsheet
was being ticked off nicely...)
Anytime a missionary wasn't focusing on the people or teaching at all times the
people, my 'Godly Sorrow' for the gentiles was destroying my mind and eating
me alive. “WE are their ONLY HOPE and we are WASTING IT!!! Their
damnation will be our curse!!! We are going to be damned for all the souls we
didn't save!” AAGHHHH!!! These impressions and thoughts coursed through
my mind at all times.
I beat myself up in my own head as much as I beat up everyone else in my own
head as well. I read John 16:33: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in
me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good
cheer; I have overcome the world.” Also, I then read in John 3:17, “For God
sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through
him might be saved.“
Why, then, was I feeling so depressed all of the time and inadequate; that God
himself was going to come down and shove me to hell for my pathetic
performance? (Still pulled off 6 baptisms...one I am aware of went on a
mission and converted 13 as well, so at least my downline is true...:)
But yeah, I remember even writing a letter home (paraphrasing), “All I am doing
is learning a language, this feels like an extension of high school with some of
the people I am surrounded by and it seems that there is no unity at all and we
are accomplishing nothing. I should just come home and put the $325 you are
paying for me to be here to better use going to school or something.” I was a
mental wreck. But there was always the lingering thought, “Satan is trying to
sway you! Of course! Yeah, that's it...Satan!”...
I ended up as district leader and branch president in a new area. We started
with 1 member and by the time I left we had 13 people showing up regularly.
My greeny came in and we taught an investigator all discussions and I gave
him the baptism. I got a phone call out of nowhere. I thought it was just a typical
call. It was a female...and she had started to read the Book of Mormon! I set up
an appointment and she turned out to be shockingly hot! And I am sure I will still
burn in hell for all of the late night phone calls in a foreign language, but I began
to dominate the language. (ProTip: You really want to learn a language? Get a
native girlfriend...) From then on my greeny was miserable the whole time out
until I finally requested a transfer to get out of dodge in the event things got
crazy. Funny how the dichotomy of lust and zealot in religion can somehow feel
justified and how it works so well together...and I did justify everything at this
point, my mind was such a mental maze of guilt. One of my friends in later
years commented to me, “I thought it was interesting how for a year and half
your letters were explaining how Joseph Smith was so awesome, then
abruptly, to make a complete 180 degree about 'Hot Chick'.” (The women
were scantily clad in country enough for me to still appreciate the female form.)
It now reminds me of all the Evangelicals, Priests, and Republicans who are
fighting against homosexuality just to inevitably be outed for being part and
parcel of the lifestyle they so desperately condemn.
So I call Mission President, “Uh..I need to be transferred. We tracted into a
lady and it's getting bad. I gotta get out of here before it get's worse. I haven't
kissed her or anything, but we spend way too much time together and it will get
out of hand shortly.” I had even went to the American Consulate and got papers
and began to research how to bring someone to the states.
To my shock, “Well, can you make it just 2 more weeks?”
“Uh...wha!? Huh!?...uh... Yeah...uh, I think I can.” And I did! Woot! In an interview
with my President later about it he asked, “Well, do you love her?” How do you
answer that!? I nodded in the affirmative. I think my mission President had a
subconscious hatred for the males in that country and secretly wanted us all to
take the super hot women home and away from them. After that interview he
made me zone leader.
Million more stories, but I'll leave with the following. I was the missionary who
made fun of other missionaries, “You are going to end up going home and
marrying the first chick you see...” Just like the closeted Priest, Evangelical and
Republicans who rage against the gays while partaking at the same time
themselves in that lifestyle, I married the first person I met.
3 weeks home I pretty much found myself engaged. She was beyond chaste
and during the courtship and make out sessions I slipped one evening (it was
past 12:00 midnight...Satan was in full force:) ) I grabbed her boobs. Well, in
her minds eye there went our temple marriage and our recommends and what
would our family do when they find out we are Ex'd!? She was in complete
freak out mode. I was a bit concerned myself since 'boobs' had put me on hold
for a year and half myself. We also had already sent out wedding invitations
and it was coming up in less than a month! So a trip to the bishop was in order
to confess. '6' months flooded my mind. Everyone would know...we would be
humiliated. (Humiliation is a fantastic passive aggressive threat tactic to keep
people in social/cultural line.)
Bishop: “Well, you are to be married in a month...do all you can to stay clean.”
He counseled her.
Then to me, “And you? Do you feel ok in the eyes of the Lord?”
Uh...I was waiting for the '6 month' sentence..but I was so shocked at him kind
of saying, “Well, it's between you and him...” that I just said, “Yeah..uh..sure.”
Bishop then brings out the 'triangle'. At the apex of the triangle is the word
'God'. Then in the bottom left corner of the triangle is the word 'Man'. Then in
the bottom right is the word 'Woman'.
“How can man and women come together on this triangle?” He asked. (I
immediately thought, “Straight shoot it across the base!”)
“He then said, “If you try to come straight to each other and do not include God,
it will be empty and joyless, and you will not have lasting happiness and most
likely your marriage will fail. You may have temporal happiness, but without
God, it can't continue on into the eternities. So you both must work as hard as
you can to come close to God...notice how when you do that you both become
closer to each other? The nearer to God, the nearer you both come together.”
(Does the polygamist see an octagon presentation?)
So in my opinion, she settled for the first guy who 1. showed interest, (though
she is super pretty as it is and I was surprised she didn't date more..) and 2.
break through her mental purity psyche yet still take her to the temple. She was
24, return missionary, and I was 22, freshly returned missionary back to where
the church was just a little more 'truer'. It was a match made in LDS'dom
heaven. Later I figured it out, whether she agrees or not since in my reality I am
right, that she felt completely pressured by the 'system' to get married. 24!? Oh
NOES!!1111!ELEVENTY!11! Your time is running OUT! So though I can be
considered in the bottom of the cultural caste level and she was super above
me in terms of lifestyle growing up, I charmed her into settling.
Before the marriage we were in my hometown visiting. We ran into ‘Stake
I hold her hand to him with the ring, “We are engaged, Sir.” (I never call or
called anyone ‘brother…so and so).
He responded immediately in his authoritarian voice, devoid of empathy and
happiness for us, and inquisitively enquired, “Which temple?” You had to have
been there to fully appreciate the look on his face and the way he said it. My
‘weakness in writing’ doesn’t do it justice.
We kept our hands to ourselves from then on and on our target wedding invite
date we got married. Woot.
Now you can read the rules all you want, but until you actually get on the court
and dribble the basketball you aren't going to be a great player. So regardless
of the 'Pr0n', I had no clue what I was doing. Well, honeymoon night after the
'moment'. She's in tears, “I think I hate sex”. A fear like no other entered my
soul. My eternities literally flashed before my eyes.
How are you to know if you are compatible or not? It's literally a lottery. You do
all you can to be chaste and 'pure' and in 'theory' you 'learn together'. Well, if I
were in a vacuum, I would have agreed. Though we were both 'virgins' (some
may argue I am not due to my transgressions of boobs and porn) we 'in theory'
should have been able to 'learn together'. But I am not living in a vacuum. I also
feel that the incessant guilt she felt over our make outs and having her boobs
grabbed ruined her psyche and she carried the guilt into the marriage. I own
that. It's my fault that I ruined her to that degree.
What I do not own is the following contention and I lay it at the feet of the LDS
Church and organized Churches in general: When you are raised where it, sex,
is sooo evil, wrong, vile, impure, horrid, abhorrent, “I would rather my son come
home in a casket than unclean”, licked cupcakes, “Die protecting your virtue
than being raped” etc. the sexuality is obviously stifled and there WILL be
problems if one or both of the members in the relationship take that language,
culture, and social more's seriously. And she did. And I did as well, obviously.
But in that environment the more ‘devout’ and ‘pious’ of the two parties
involved in the relationship will take lead and sway and dominate the
relationship. She ran the show.
Then the question enters... “OH NOES!!111!!ELEVENTY!111! How long can
we lay here without our GARMENTS ON???”. The church comes between you
in bed. But 'the Church' is set up by GOD therefore Church = God. So God is
watching us in bed...So for the first year the 'system / culture /theology' made
it's way into our marriage. She began to push me away. I am male. God
created me and for some damned reason I have a sex drive. I have a sex drive
regardless of how evil it is to let my little factory manufacture it's product that I
have no control over. I just do. So it was a massive case of consistent, “I'm
tired. Not tonight's.”
It even got to the point that she would make it a point to say, “I slept lousy, I am
still tired” when she first woke up...that was her 'sign' to me that I shouldn't even
ask later that night. So I didn't.
Well, 9/11 happened and to overcompensate for my high sex drive I delved
into politics. (Hell...is 1 time a week a high sex drive? I dont' know... but I guess
it is and I am a bastard for wanting it that many times.)
Sex was still a problem, but politics at least took my mind away. I most likely
should have been doing love notes, etc. But I weaponized affection to a degree
as well. It became a script. At first once a week only. “Same bat time..Same
bat place, and of course...same bat way!”. It then turned into months. I was as
strong as I could be. Then after the first year I broke and checked out Porn
online. Then, what seemed out of nowhere, those revelatory geniuses in Salt
Lake began the crusade on Pr0n. So my wife is now filled with 'Oh NOES! Is
he!?' So one time when she acquiesced from her chastity throne to appease
the beggar, I mentioned to her, “Hey, what if we tried....” She explodes,
“WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT!!??!?!?!?!? WHERE DID YOU GET THAT
IDEA! YOU LOOKING AT PORN!!???!?!?” So I am laying there in bed..she is
sobbing uncontrollably. I had betrayed her. And like the good HONEST (Suck
on that Joseph) soldier I said, “Yes.”
Her world view shattered. I was it's destroyer.
So her coping mechanism is, “Hmm..it must be SEX that makes him
interested in Pr0n. He betrayed me and I am hurt. I will withhold intimacy from
him..so the less ‘sex‘ the less desire for ‘Pr0n.’.” (I applaud the attempted logic,
but it just doesn’t jive with me. I will explain further below.) So she makes me
agree, borderline covenant, with her that I will never look at it again. I am not
proud of the fact that I looked at it myself either, and am reeling and self
loathing myself for I am the scum of the earth doctrinally as well. Temple
covenants are now broken in her mind and mine pretty much as well. She owns
me from that point on. She owned me completely theologically, socially, and
culturally, she was justified in her mind, the mind of the church / 'system' / and
as well as in my own mind for I had betrayed her that I was the guilty party. And
I was. I looked at porn. I own it. It's my fault. She held her ownership of me by
maintaining her perfection while I was fallen.
The relationship just gets worse. She is more intimate and attentive to the
'internet search history' button as opposed to her own husband. I am hollow
and a shell, but I always put up a smiling face and attended to my callings
though the 'spirit' was basically gone according to her feelings towards me. I
know I could and should have done a million things differently to be a better
husband. But I am going to church, fulfilling my callings, working full time,
school full time, (I told myself..even if we didn't have kids..I would not allow her
to work...for my dad had made my mom work the whole time I was growing up
and I was never going to fail in that regard. Well...marrying, and discovering
that the better half had this piece of plastic called 'credit cards' really put the
hurt on us when she broke the news that she missed a few of her payments.
Me, a typical product of public education, therefore not a clue about finances or
interest and not understanding credit, I say, “Oh..babe, it's ok..we'll be fine.” As
of this typing we still carry credit card debt. Though only about 3 payments left!
So she got her sex and validation: Shopping and spending. Since I came from
the 'new school' of “You treat her like a queen”, as opposed to the 'old school'
of “Shut up and get in the kitchen... you submit to your husband, get naked and
brace yourself.” I interpreted ‘new school’ as meaning, “She is never wrong, if
there is a problem, chances are it's your fault since you are the base male. The
church makes good boys men and bad men better. (or however that phrase
went) You support her, and let her do what she wants and live how she wants,
you are to just make the money and provide.” (I am way laxed anyway, and I do
want her to be happy, when she was happy..I was happy, or so I thought I was
anyway) Couple that with the next 8 priesthood conference sessions that
worked their magic on me. I looked at porn in the past...I was damned for it, my
wife lost all hope and trust in me and any hopes or dreams of a sex life that had
any meaning or connectivity between us were dashed and lost.
Now I did put on some weight, she did as well, post marriage weight...or
whatever. 2004, I took a job where I worked outside, I sweat like crazy,
dropped my junk food and ate more protein. Even eating isn't a neutral thing
anymore. “You are eating too much protein! You will die! Your kidneys will
malfunction! You are breaking the word of wisdom! OH NOES!!” The church
invades literally every aspect of your life. Literally. So I am in pretty rocking
shape again. So I look at myself, “Wow, am I ugly? no. I most likely SUCK like
crazy in bed!? Well, when it's less than 5 times in a years span...how could I
really know? When it is completely scripted and one way....hers, I couldn't
make an educated decision. Somehow we had our first child. The stork?
Osmosis? Asexual reproduction? Well, the child looked like me...so I will own
him. :) Super good looking kid.
Then I after I graduated school in 2005 I took a completely stupid job. I felt
misled after I took it, but it was too late and I didn't research it out fully.
Somehow another baby came along. Cutest little girl evah! My wife ended up
being forced to get a job to keep us afloat and we ended up putting the kids in
daycare while we both worked. I was a massive failure. I then came up with a
business idea and I tried to run with it. It failed miserably. She resented me
from then on that she had to work and miss her daughter growing up in her
baby years and not be at home. I mentally destroyed myself too over it. She
was able to spend more time with our son growing up in his baby years, but
being our daughter it was particularly hard on her to miss it.
In 2006 I joined, at the time a right wing blog renowned for it's researchers and
critical thinking, me being the logical and impassioned type I fit right in and we
were in all out assault against Islam. I read the Qu'ran. It is misogynistic, brutal,
and full of death and fear tactics and overt threats via Mohammed. Not to
mention they are modern day polygamists along with the FLDS and allowed up
to 4 wives. (In some cases they are allowed more...)
To keep my mind off of sex, I would join the chorus of bigotry online, though we
did our best to focus on the theology and not the muslim followers. Woot. Then
we became brutal fact checkers. You brought up a topic, opinion, idea and you
couldn't back it with proof, you were destroyed by the commenters there. We
became fantastic researchers and critical thinkers on all the issues. Then the
admin of the site turned his sites toward creationism. The masses howled in
pain that he could betray their world views and wasn't a 'true conservative'. I
didn't care either way and survived the mass bannings. The site became more
intellectual and less emotional. Prove your assumptions by facts and history
and you had nothing to hide or be afraid of. So I then employed my critical
thinking skills and applied them to my own worldview. I can no longer be a
Republican or a Democrat. Then I applied my critical thinking / fact checking
skills to the LDS church and religion in general. There are a lot of
consistencies with biblical teachings and Islam. LDS and Islam are WAYYY too
close for comfort in a lot of things Pre-Manifesto for my liking. But all religion is
quite BS anyway.
Sex still was a problem.
Still, in terms of sex, denied, and denied...and denied. Anytime I would touch
her body, or her arm while we laid by each other she would start off, “Have you
been looking at porn?”... That's a MAJOR turn on I tell ya. So she weaponized
the sex and I know for a fact she was ashamed of me as her husband. Well,
she had every right to be. Her judgments were validated every Sunday and
every 6 months at conference as well as every time she got with any group of
women. The evils of porn was topic number 1 in her peer group. Then she
would do random ‘Gotcha moments’ during our days at home, “Hey, how is the
porn thing?” Just out of nowhere and at random. That’s the true glue that
cements a relationship I tell ya.
Then 4 out of 5 of my best friends are divorced starting at this time. Hey, the
women won on their technicalities. (golf clap...bravo.) They held to the rod of
purity, while their perverse sex fiend vile husbands were left to forage and fend
for themselves. I mean...hey, you don't need sex...it's just a luxury and to
indulge, let alone enjoy..god forbid, is evil and sinful and vile and
abhorrent...right? The men couldn't survive in the relationships they were in
when the sex was systematically removed due to the wives discovering porn
on the computers. The wives then turned into (if it's even possible) a larger
strain of religious fanaticism and turned to falling on their knees in
prayer...when in REALITY they should have been falling on their knees...but not
for prayer. (Sorry...I am a base jerk.)
My world view was rocked when they split up and I freaked out when I saw my
exact same relationship in them as well. I started analyzing my life. I delved into
the church doctrine to make up for my evil sin. I prayed, payed, obeyed, and
am so programmed that though I don't believe in it, I still read, pray and pretty
much am exactly the same person I was in terms of 'works'.
I decided I wanted to write a book. Polygamy still ate away at me...but then I
started secretly hoping it was the real deal. On a scale of 1-10, my 6 years of
sexual intimacy at that point could be labeled a 2. 1 being the lowest rating on
the scale. So I am thinking...dang, polygamy HAD to be true. These women
own us men. I mean, in 2002, I sat through 12 weeks of church followed by a
priesthood conference and in each meeting D&C 121: 36 and 37 had been
read every week. All topics, literally from 2001 up to NOW consist of guilting
the evil man to death. My priesthood had been “Amen'd” on all fronts.
Everything I did, I was sure the spirit was grieved and I was to blame. Anytime
my wife was upset, it was my fault for not being an adequate priesthood holder.
I then realized that outside of the church, I had NOTHING, literally NOTHING, in
common with her. But you can't tell, for your lives are so invaded and dictated
by the theology and you always are doing church dictated things together that
you really can start believing that you DO have a lot in common. Good ol'
Spencer and his destruction of 'true love' where he basically states that as long
as you both are religious and strive for perfection you can make the marriage
work. Sorry, but I hate 'work', I want..'joy'..or even settle for it‘s lower pal
‘happiness‘? Is that allowed?
Then in 2006, researching for my book, I began reading the history of the LDS
theology and discovered all the contradictions and lies. Joseph Smith HAD
been a polygamist. I said to myself, “Well, it was justified in the Old Testament,
he most likely had a sex drive, and Emma hated sex.” I was 100% justifying
polygamy by projecting the situation I was in back to Joseph Smith. So I
became obsessed with the topic. It actually gave me a modicum of hope at the
same time. HE WAS HUMAN, not just a perfect prophet without parts or
passions, as opposed to the current sanitized man that speaks from the
conference podium. (August 2010 as of this writing..:)
Then I read Rough Stone Rolling, and then my jaw hit the floor. He did what with
married women?! Wow. Then I saw that my favorite piece of literature in the
church, the 'sermon' Joseph Smith gave on the contradictions in the Old
Testament and the New Testament...really ended up being justification for
polygamy in order to not be considered an adulterer, and to authoritarian guilt
his way into sex to get a piece of Nancy Rigdon. The woman has all of my
respect. Then Joseph and his threatening Helena Mars Kimball's salvation if
she didn't comply was beyond the pale. I was sick to my stomache when I
realized the way he practiced it and the way it was meant to be had nothing to
do with each other. He set up a system to get sex and to justify it. I couldn't
believe it and I didn't want to believe it. So I didn't, because I wanted sex just as
bad as he did.
Then the guilt would set in for thinking about polygamy and I was obsessed
with the eternal perspective. I freaked out, because I knew that the 'same spirit'
in you here, is the 'same spirit' in you there. My sex life was to be hell for
eternity. But POLYGAMY!!! That, sadly, gave me HOPE! (How messed up is
that?!) Then I would freak out even more...”What if it's WRONG!? What if the
church is a fraud? (I had doubts of course after all the tripe I waded through)
What if I get to the other side and I am not CHOSEN for it since it's such an evil
and perverse desire; have more wives in hopes that 1 out of 30 are at least
going to tolerate 'sex' and take it for the team. (I projected my wife's sexual
outlook onto everyone else..I was depressed for no woman can possibly like
sex. No woman is comfortable sexually, no woman enjoys it. If you do
something outside of 'set sexual pattern' you are going to hell for being
perverted and disgusting. So I coined the phrase “Married Celibate”.) Or
worse ..there IS NO OTHER SIDE and you are missing OUT on the one
chance of happiness you got!?...
Back to my sex life, “Gosh..-sigh-, hurry up and get it over with.”. (I have a
testimony that nothing is more horrid than 'obligation sex'. With every fiber of
my being I can tell you that you basically come away feeling like a rapist since
you know she is doing it for nothing more than her 'wifely duty'. Feeling like you
raped your own wife? Good grief.)
2008 and I got a job overseas. It was fantastic. I felt like: 1. I was the provider.
2. She had two maids and a driver and 3. Most importantly she could stay
home with the kids, and not work, our daughter was 2 so there was still time to
be salvaged between mother and daughter! Woohoo! I was making solid
money and we could pay off our debt. This has the makings of a fantastic turn
of events! WRONG.
And of course...she then became depressed and miser
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