Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Roz on October 14, 2011 at 12:03pm

Thanks EW.  So true!  All those steps are the same thing my family and I went through.  It has been over a yr now, and we are happier every day!  It is so nice to be able to look back and see the progress!

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Zaque on October 14, 2011 at 8:11pm

I am somewhere between the fourth and fifth steps. Struggling to accept myself and my new, completely unfamiliar existential footing, if you will. Thank you for your post, your hope, and your friendship--I hope one day, sincerely, to leave my anger. Its simmering down though, finally.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Lileah on October 14, 2011 at 8:59pm

These are the same Exact steps people must go thru of coming to terms with a terminal illness-I'm in the nursing field and just did some contact hours on the very subject of Terminal illness. Too funny! I also am a good person and always have been and I finally saw thru the BS and I made sure I was absolutely SURE I was going to accept whatever consequence (if any) when I left and removed my name from their records! Really, I found no consequence from leaving the La La Land, Fake Robot People! Love being outta there, free to do what I will! I have moved on and LIFE is now so much more than MEETINGS MEETINGS & MORE MEETINGS! I have more time with the family, and that was the greatest! My kids 8 and 7 were sick of Primary and were always the funny ones and got scolded for being irreverent in church by others...gimme a break! My husband waited for me for about 6yrs to join him in his quest to leave the church and we did with red wine & scotch !!

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Enlightened on October 16, 2011 at 3:13am

Because of my age and my location when I was a member, I knew very few people who were "born in the church (TSCC)" - unless they were a lot younger than me or small children.

Those 'born in the church' that I knew, were mostly people from the USA and/or missionaries. So when I first met the missionaries way back in the early 1980's. it was always fascinating to hear their take on things, which I have to admit was most probably my first experience of  things up close and personal American. We had no internet at the time and I had no interest in reading up about such. 

Now probably because I was/am fiercely patriotic of my own Country, I always had this strong feeling that the church was "An American thing" and so many things didn't always sit well with me. (I had huge problems in the 8 year old being ready for baptism because I really felt our children who were not "born into the church" were different to the ones in America who had grown up LDS, just being one example.... but baptism at 8 was pushed as the norm).  

Another thing that got to me was the imposing of some American culture and customs on the Black people of our Country who they got into the waters of bapitsm and even making them give up some of their own culture and customs (not all being bad ones). This did slowly change over the years and I saw many of our Black women attend church later in their cultural dressess which are very beautiful.

Men, unfortunately had to conform to the shirt and tie (can't say suit because most of them could not afford such and passing the Sacrament often meant borrowing a jacket if you were in the position to do so).   

I also began seeing the young Blacks (being called Blacks here is totally acceptable) adopting typical American ways (not difficult to do when you have young American missionaries befriending you) and in my personal opinion, saw them losing their own identity. Those that went on missions even came back with an American 'twang' (that applied to our Whites as well) lol.

So where am I going with this? - well according to the discussion here, I personally went straight into the Acceptance stage once I found out what my then religious beliefs was really all based on. "thanks internet" (something Mormonism COULD NOT control). 

So yes, maybe it is a bit different for someone who was converted to one who is born into the church (TSCC). Maybe a convert has less problems leaving than someone who grew up in the church. This is just my experience and it would be interesting to know how other converts transitioned.

Great posting E.W. - looking forward to all the responses.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by MikeUtah on October 18, 2011 at 9:00am

It does get better!  I've been out for over 3 years now, came out to my family right after leaving and am in a much better place now.  I have found that extending to others the respect to let them believe as they will, mostly allows for that respect to reflect back at you.  Understanding that Mormonism is not just a religion but a culture, and expecting to hear family talking about their life in the church can go a long ways to being in acceptance of them just as they are and should in turn make them comfortable and safe in your presence, which I feel is mostly a good thing.  My family still invites us to the monthly birthday dinners/gatherings, baby blessings, baptisms and such.  We don't always attend the church rites with them but I like not feeling left out when the invites go out.  Trying to get family to wake up from Mormonism is mostly fruitless and will more likely damage than help your relationships with them.  Wait for them to come to you and then only share what they seem to be genuinely ready for.  That said, live your life authentically and be yourself as much as each unique situation allows.

On the journey,

MikeUtah

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Utahbiker on November 15, 2011 at 11:17am

Well said E.W.! This is exactly what I am going through right now. I enjoyed the chats we had and hope to still be able to converse with you. 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Nae on June 1, 2012 at 9:23am

Thanks for your post and the replies as well-so true. I've seen each member of my immediate family as well as myself, go through those steps at different times in different ways with all the emotions involved the in process-anger, frustration, sighs of relief, learning to see the world through new eyes, allowing yourself the freedom to think without needing to consult someone else, letting go of the need to tell others how to live their lives and giving yourself permission to live life you want to.

 

I've learned how to appreciate my friends and family who are still very active in the church for the good people that they are trying to be and recognize that we are all at different stages of understanding and experience.  I have to remind my father, who wants his brother to understand the history of the church and the practices of the church leaders, that he was once in exactly same place as his brother when I tried to have a conversation with him about why I couldn't accept practices and beliefs held so dear by so many mormons. 

 

I've been able to appreciate different beliefs of different religions and find some good things to take away from them that I find useful and I can also see how much, in one way or another they are also like mormonism.  I finally understand and see the beauty John Lennon's song Imagine.  I now meditate on a regular basis and it brings a lot of peace in my life.  I no longer have to worry about the concepts of heaven or hell and who is or is not going, nor do I focus my energy on the past or the future-today is what is important.  I am amazed at the random conversations I have with complete strangers when I no longer catergorize them.

I can accept and understand the limited friendship with my mormon friends because they are uncomfortable with being with someone, who in their mind is not living the way she should.  I have sympathy for the mormon misssionaries who are just trying to meet family or cultural expectations while they walk or ride a bike in the rain (I live in Seattle) and knock on the doors of people who know more about the mormon religion then they do. I always tell them if they ever want baked goods-just let me know.  My brother was, when he was active, a missionary, and I hope that there were other people that saw him as something other than just a missionary.   We are all at different levels of understanding and challenges are what help us change.

 

Someone replied that the steps of withdrawl from mormonism are simillar to the steps of someone who is terminally ill.  And they are right-I experience both and have to remind people that we are all terminally ill. : )  For my other brother who died 3 years ago at the age of 28 to cancer- I only see how blessed I was to have had him in my life and still smile when I remember all the crazy things he did-I feel his presence in my life everyday.  For myself, I was also diagnosed with cancer and told that I had a year to live-that was 4 years ago.  I no longer belong to a religion (although I never did anything about my membership in the church) but have found a much more meaningful way to live- but this is only my perspective.

 

 

 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Bar Kokhba on August 13, 2012 at 2:32am

EW

Well said.

Bar Kokhba

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by loveslabourslost on September 16, 2012 at 7:58pm

you hit it right on the nose.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by BeckyMN on April 12, 2013 at 10:06pm

It gets better is a phrase I used to believe in, but I dont anymore. Trust me, none of you would ever want my situation. Five years out and thought back then I would be in the clear by now. But the hole is actually deeper. I dont even know why the universe sees it necessary I live through this. I can honestly say the freedom of being out doesnt outweigh the pain of all I have lost and the daily endurance test I am subject to. Sorry I have no words of cheer. 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Don on April 27, 2013 at 1:55pm

Since I left the Church my life has never been better.  I have been more successful since I tild them to go take a hike.  These was no mighty swishing sound as the spirit left the room.  I am happier, I can think and operate better, I am more successful.  I love being an ex-mormon.  I say this in the humble name of my laptop, Amen.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by youngsinglerunning on May 7, 2013 at 11:24pm

i love this. i wonder what stage i am in.  most likely anger. I just had the most traumatic experience of my life.  i blogged it  http://breakingmormon.blogspot.com/

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• Next ›
• Page