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We are an online social community of former mormons, ex-mormons, ex-LDS and sympathizers. Stay C.A.L.M. - Community After Leaving Mormonism
It Gets Better!!
Finding out that the church wasn't true a few years ago was a huge blow for me. It's funny now that I look back I can see all the steps - (granted this took awhile)...
1st there was Denial. - "No way what I just watched is true. That can't be. Joseph Smith IS a prophet! I AM a child of God!...."
2nd there was Anger - " I can't believe this is happening! Screw the church. Screw Joseph Smith and his manipulative cunning ways! How could this happen to ME?"
3rd there was Bargaining - " Well... maybe if I keep going back to church... I'll still have my friends, my family won't have to deal with this... I guess I could keep going back and forget everything that I saw and heard. Yes. I will buy me some more time! How hard could it be to pretend?"
4th there was Depression - " No one understands me. I'm all alone and with no religion, no friends, no God, and my family judges me."
5th there was Acceptance - " I have a full life ahead of me. I grew up in a church that helped me in so many ways. It's okay to move on and just be me, even if my friends or family disapprove. I know I'm a good person. I don't have to be bitter or angry. I can take the good...and leave the bad. This doesn't define me - I define myself."
I'm grateful for the challenges I went through coming out of the church. I'm a stronger more empowered woman because of it.
I am grateful for the KNOWLEDGE I have received because I went looking for it. I'm in love with learning! With science, and philosophy, history and humanity! How could I EVER be angry at where I am now? How could I ever blame an organization that only HELPED me get to where I am now :)
I want everyone to know how grateful I am to be a part of this wonderful community. We're here to help and inspire each other, to listen to learn... we're here because we all know what it's like to leave something that was so dear to us. We relate to the pain, and most importantly we relate to this new awareness . Thank you for the laughs, thank you for the deep conversations.
For those of you who are having a rough time. I just want to say, Yes it sucks. Yes it hurts. Yes family and friends can back-stab you so fast. But you're not alone. I know of at least 1 friend you have - and that is me, always. It gets better.
xoxox
EW
Views: 476
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Roz on -
Thanks EW. So true! All those steps are the same thing my family and I went through. It has been over a yr now, and we are happier every day! It is so nice to be able to look back and see the progress!
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Permalink Reply by Zaque on -
I am somewhere between the fourth and fifth steps. Struggling to accept myself and my new, completely unfamiliar existential footing, if you will. Thank you for your post, your hope, and your friendship--I hope one day, sincerely, to leave my anger. Its simmering down though, finally.
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Permalink Reply by Lileah on -
These are the same Exact steps people must go thru of coming to terms with a terminal illness-I'm in the nursing field and just did some contact hours on the very subject of Terminal illness. Too funny! I also am a good person and always have been and I finally saw thru the BS and I made sure I was absolutely SURE I was going to accept whatever consequence (if any) when I left and removed my name from their records! Really, I found no consequence from leaving the La La Land, Fake Robot People! Love being outta there, free to do what I will! I have moved on and LIFE is now so much more than MEETINGS MEETINGS & MORE MEETINGS! I have more time with the family, and that was the greatest! My kids 8 and 7 were sick of Primary and were always the funny ones and got scolded for being irreverent in church by others...gimme a break! My husband waited for me for about 6yrs to join him in his quest to leave the church and we did with red wine & scotch !!
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Permalink Reply by Enlightened on -
Because of my age and my location when I was a member, I knew very few people who were "born in the church (TSCC)" - unless they were a lot younger than me or small children.
Those 'born in the church' that I knew, were mostly people from the USA and/or missionaries. So when I first met the missionaries way back in the early 1980's. it was always fascinating to hear their take on things, which I have to admit was most probably my first experience of things up close and personal American. We had no internet at the time and I had no interest in reading up about such.
Now probably because I was/am fiercely patriotic of my own Country, I always had this strong feeling that the church was "An American thing" and so many things didn't always sit well with me. (I had huge problems in the 8 year old being ready for baptism because I really felt our children who were not "born into the church" were different to the ones in America who had grown up LDS, just being one example.... but baptism at 8 was pushed as the norm).
Another thing that got to me was the imposing of some American culture and customs on the Black people of our Country who they got into the waters of bapitsm and even making them give up some of their own culture and customs (not all being bad ones). This did slowly change over the years and I saw many of our Black women attend church later in their cultural dressess which are very beautiful.
Men, unfortunately had to conform to the shirt and tie (can't say suit because most of them could not afford such and passing the Sacrament often meant borrowing a jacket if you were in the position to do so).
I also began seeing the young Blacks (being called Blacks here is totally acceptable) adopting typical American ways (not difficult to do when you have young American missionaries befriending you) and in my personal opinion, saw them losing their own identity. Those that went on missions even came back with an American 'twang' (that applied to our Whites as well) lol.
So where am I going with this? - well according to the discussion here, I personally went straight into the Acceptance stage once I found out what my then religious beliefs was really all based on. "thanks internet" (something Mormonism COULD NOT control).
So yes, maybe it is a bit different for someone who was converted to one who is born into the church (TSCC). Maybe a convert has less problems leaving than someone who grew up in the church. This is just my experience and it would be interesting to know how other converts transitioned.
Great posting E.W. - looking forward to all the responses.
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Permalink Reply by MikeUtah on -
It does get better! I've been out for over 3 years now, came out to my family right after leaving and am in a much better place now. I have found that extending to others the respect to let them believe as they will, mostly allows for that respect to reflect back at you. Understanding that Mormonism is not just a religion but a culture, and expecting to hear family talking about their life in the church can go a long ways to being in acceptance of them just as they are and should in turn make them comfortable and safe in your presence, which I feel is mostly a good thing. My family still invites us to the monthly birthday dinners/gatherings, baby blessings, baptisms and such. We don't always attend the church rites with them but I like not feeling left out when the invites go out. Trying to get family to wake up from Mormonism is mostly fruitless and will more likely damage than help your relationships with them. Wait for them to come to you and then only share what they seem to be genuinely ready for. That said, live your life authentically and be yourself as much as each unique situation allows.
On the journey,
MikeUtah
© 2012 Created by MikeUtah.
