My Mom has decided to facebook message me after giving me total silence for two years. We had a big blow up two years ago where hubby called my family on their behaviour, and they didn't like it - of course. I saw the message in my inbox and my automatic instinct was to run and drink myself into a stupor. Talking to her or any of my family, with a couple of exceptions, is highly stressful to me. To the point of my doctor putting me on anti-depressants and advising me to get some distance. She ignored the past, as predictable, and pretends it didn't happened. Anyway  she tells me my Dad's skin cancer came back and that he just finished treatment, and that she may need hip replacement. She couldn't put our differences aside and tell me this? My in-laws are atheists; they fight and bitch at each other. Except when one is down and is in need of assistance they rally up and help. I can't wrap my head around how ANTI-CHRIST they are and how much HEART my ATHEIST in-laws have.

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Funny that you would suggest me getting my hubby to screen her mails. He used to do that, we just got tired of doing that. Ergo the big blow up.

He is way more level headed when it comes to my family. I'm glad I *can* dump them on him. What *really* irks me is the behaviour between the two families with their different ideals. Mine behaves the opposite from what it is *supposed* to behave. My in-laws behave surprisingly different.

 

Thanks for the idea to change the subject. I will try it.

As history and people, like the example you have provided, show us- God has no real bearing on whether someone is a good person or not, treats others lovingly or not. Some people like to group Christians as good people and Atheists as bad just because one believes in a God and one doesn't.

I have family I too have had to just finally completely distance myself from (that stress can cause major health issues). Even the once or twice a year didn't improve the relationship. Now when I get those e-mails or calls I've learned to ignore it. My parents are in this group, or really are the group. By ignoring the past and going on to tell you of their troubles is usually a manipulative tactic to pull you back in. My parents try this and once you're back in the behavior/abuse starts right back up.

I talk over the internet with a group of moms who have had family or inlaw trouble to the point of having to get police orders to get people out of their lives so they can be happy and healthy and raise happy and healthy kids. Some of them are actually dads and some don't have kids yet or theirs are grown and moved out. If you want the link I can message it to you. They have some real good insights in how to handle it.

Yeah that's where I went to first. Reducing contact and ,trying to keep it superficial. Unfortunately in my case any contact resulted in the same behavior. Whether it was in person, over the phone, email, facebook, it didn't stop until I stopped letting them in. It took me almost 30 years to finally cut them out of my family's life and I've seen the difference it has made (positively). Sometimes when it's family we will be the victim way longer than we should because of what should be there but isn't.
Sheesh, Misty sounds like my family. I rather not cut them off. They are my family, however I have to admit I am happier without them. Yet, I miss them, and really want them to see me as me, not as a fallen daughter/sister.

Yes Stormyfire, that's probably one of the hardest parts. Wishing they would just see and love you for who you are and not who they want you to be. One quote I like is "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof." --Richard Bach. It's not the quantity or a specific role (i.e. mother, father) that make a good family but the quality. You want quality people in your life.

I really struggled with cutting them off. But I had to take control of my life and I realized I would not be friends with someone who treated me so poorly and I don't have to let these people in just because we share a bloodline. My kids and I have some great people in our lives now and everyone's blossomed. Sometimes I do still wish they'd turn around and apologize and start acting loving toward eachother but it's been proven it will never happen. They do have other children willing to be their doormats because they still crave that acceptance and approval from them.

Here's the kicker; they're aren't my bloodline. They CHOSE to be my family. They adopted me. My actual bloodline is a bunch of drunks. Really flakey drunks lol. The only family I know I can rely on is my inlaws and my friends from middle school with their parents.

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