Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by MikeUtah on May 5, 2012 at 11:55am

Welcome Kyaira!  Glad you could join us.  A brave step in deciding where to go with Mormonism in your life.  My opinion, since you asked for it, is that appeasing and sacrificing yourself never ends up well in the end for you.  You can be true to yourself, and be respectful of others still in the church.  You are not responsible for how they react to you being you.  They will either come around to accepting you as you are, or they/you will eventually distance yourselves for your own cognitive/emotional safety.  Those friends/family who drift away will mostly be filled in by new friends/family you find along the way who are just peachy with who you are.  If supportive local friends are hard to come by, reaching out to online communities is a close 2nd.  Our live chat room is occupied with great people most evenings.  Good luck and post back/often as needed.

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Permalink Reply by Gordon Evans on May 5, 2012 at 12:18pm

I'm a 22 year old gay ex-Mormon from California. I can understand where you're coming from. I always "struggled" with my gay attractions. When I was younger, I had crushes on other boys in quorum. However, when I turned 18, I started to really have a problem making sense of my identity. My bishop sent me to therapy, I counseled with him every week etc. None of it worked. Finally, I decided that the only way I can ever truly be happy is to leave the church. On July 13th 2011, I sent in my resignation letter to church headquarters. I have not looked back, and I am infinitely more happy than I ever was. I am now happily engaged to a wonderful young man, and my life is fantastic. I do believe that the LDS church helped me to become the man that I am today; however, I also believe that I learned as much as I could from the church. It was time to move on. Life is about progression. The biggest mistake you can make is to allow yourself to be suppressed by others. In order to be happy, you must follow your heart. In the end, your heart is the only thing you know for sure to be true.

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Permalink Reply by MikeMichigan on May 5, 2012 at 4:04pm

Hi there.  Just saw your post.  First of all, avoid this so-called "Reparative Therapy".  It is nothing but nonsense.  It doe NOT work, contrary to what the leaders in Salt Lake City tell you.  There, I feel better about that.

I am a gay ex-Mormon that thought I could 'change' and be 'normal'.  I even went so far to get myself engaged to a girl in my singles branch in Alaska...luckily for me, and her, she called it off...I never came out to her.  I tried to pray the gay away too, but naturally that failed.  I stumbled upon a great book published by Deseret Books called, "In Quiet Desperation".  It taught me that God created me exactly the way I am, and that can never change.  My being gay was not a mistake that had to be fixed.  God loved me for precisely who and what I am.  So I lived a double life; one as an active Mormon and one that looked for the hook-up outside of church.  It was in 2008 that I had had enough.  I held a stake calling at the time and told my stake president that I'm gay, I have no intention of changing, I will pursue gay relationships and I do not feel this to be a sin at all.  They excommunicated me.  After the church council of being excommunicated, as I left the building and walked to my car, I felt a gigantic weight lifted off my shoulders.  I felt happy for the first time in 15 years.  Then I smiled...no more stupid home teaching to do!!

It took my family some time to come around to it, but they have.  I have found a church that I actively attend that is welcoming and very gay friendly.  The first Sunday I attended there, I felt true Christ-like Love from the members, and the most sincere welcoming in my entire life.  I never once felt such love and welcome in any LDS chapel or temple.  As a result of that, I am being confirmed a member of the Episcopal Church on 19 May 2012.  

The relationship with your family and friends both inside and outside of the church is THEIR issue, not yours.  THEY have to decide if the person is more important than the organization.  You will also discover who your true friends are from the church.  Following my excommunication, all my mormon friends dropped me like a rock, except 3.  How's that for being a 'true' friend?

Anyways, I hope you will hang in there and be exactly who you are.  This mortal life is way too short to be miserable.  I defy any God that tosses us into this mortal life to be miserable when there is so much out there to enjoy and experience.  Am here if you would like to talk more about this and my own experiences.  God speed!

Mike

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Permalink Reply by Sari on May 7, 2012 at 11:23am

You are at a very difficult crossroads in your life. It is a risk to be yourself and stay true to who you are but in the end all you really have is yourself.

I know how hard it is to disappoint your friends and parents. Ideally, if they 'really love' you they would accept you for exactly who you are...but we know better when it comes to attitudes of the LDS church.

You have to make a hard choice, do you keep living a lie or do you take the leap and live as you feel you were meant to live as yourself? Either way it will be difficult so decide which choice you can live with in years to come.

My vote is always for being true to yourself. When I left the morg it was long, painful and difficult. I still feel the silent scorn and ostracizing from my family, but I am real. I am living the way I choose to live, not the way someone had dictated to me or set up a framework for me to follow. Many people have given me the compliment of saying "you are so yourself!" I respond with "who else is there to be??" I gave up on being a Molly Mormon because that is a tunnel of deep darkness and I don't want that in life.

Once you are a few years out of the morg and through the hard time of getting out, you will feel the freedom, the love, and the joy that we were all meant to feel. Keep us posted and hang in there. Its a rough road but definitely worth the struggle.

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Permalink Reply by PhiloSophia on May 7, 2012 at 7:30pm

Has your former fiance been in counseling due to his intent to having sex before marriage?  Just wondering.  I would feel betrayed, and feeling that he added insult to injury by "turning me in" and not disclosing what brought about your confession in the first place.  I feel that needs to be said, and it would be well within your right to call him out on it.

Secondly, the validity of the doctrinal teachings of the LDS church have nothing to do with your sexual orientation.  They will continue to be false, regardless or who's gay or straight. 

 

You've mentioned having done research and coming to the conclusion that "The Church" isn't 'true".  If you decide to trust what empirically supported research has brought you, you can then decide if you care enough about what you've discovered to leave, or are willing to "carry onand just belong" and live with your choice to stay in "The Church", regardless of what you've discovered. 

 

What may work for you is to take a step back from the Mormon community and try to find others who can support you while you're discovering who you are.   You can then decide if whether or not who you are is important enough to avoid communities that won't support and affirm who you are.  I wish you luck.

 

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