"exiting" story

Because I am still on that long road out, I have to term my story as in progress.

BIC in Utah county, I grew up in the Church, knew nothing but the Church, and was so awash in it that my sensibilities gave away to temptations of the flesh in high school and I was drawn to the forbidden. I ended up not serving a mission, for altruistic reasons as I really did not have a testimony and felt like it would be a waste of my time and my parents money, not to mention offensive to those I would try to teach in the field. This was before the "raising of the bar" thing, so even with my sins the bishop waved them away and tried to get me in the field.

I spent my 18 through 22 years at the University of Utah where I finished a degree in economics and eventually found enough reasons in my life to venture back towards Church activity. I met my wife shortly thereafter and we were married in the temple - I was back on the right track!

15 years later I had stumbled through life as a saint with a few hangups and hiccups, but I tried hard to do the right thing and be the father and member that I was expected to be. At age 37 I was called into the Bishopric and that caused me to commit. I was either going to truly learn all I could about the gospel and be the kind of guy that is in the Bishopric, or I was going to die trying. Guess I died.

I dove into as much Church history and literature as I could, in order to be a better Mormon. I suddenly found out that my Church was nothing like the Church I thought I was in. Church history became the agent of doubt and questions and I ran through Bushman, Compton, Quinn, Arrington, Palmer, Bagley, Brooks... the list goes on and on but the faith I once had was completely shattered.

A strange but quick fascination in talking with the apologists proved the final straw, as their "answers" pulverized what faith I had left. I asked for a release from my calling 6 months ago and much to their credit, I had very good, loving, and understand leaders in the ward and
stake that did not judge and wished me well on my journey to find
answers. I very much respect them for the way they handled my situation.

And now I am in outer darkness. Virtually alone in my community and family of TBM's, with a wife who is ever faithful to her Church, I am straddling the fence most days and it's really, really hard. I try to be supportive as a husband, and I have found good friends at NOM and CALM of Utah County. But it's still really, really hard. I suppose it would be easier if I knew where it would all end, how the story would resolve itself, but right now it's a huge mystery.

Oh... and I really love coffee. Guess I was doomed for apostasy.

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Permalink Reply by james on May 4, 2010 at 8:21am

Let me reply in general that while this is very difficult and the family situation can be hard from day to day, my wife and I have a strong relationship and 4 beautiful daughters that are our world. I don't foresee separation, let alone divorce. I see days that are hard, crying, arguments, but I simply can't imagine my wife being so set in her TBM ways that it would cause her to consider the termination of our marriage, which I know we hold more sacred than anything else. It transcends her faith and my disaffection.

Thanks much for all the thoughtful replies and the words of encouragement.

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Permalink Reply by MikeUtah on May 4, 2010 at 8:30am

Thanks for the clarification and I am glad to hear that.

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Permalink Reply by TARYN on January 7, 2011 at 1:38pm

Hola James: me gusto tu historia yo al contrario de ti no nací para nada en un familia religiosa, yo busque a dios en mi adolecencia y te digo que llevo 20 años en la iglesia me gustaba mucho pero últimamente he dudado mucho puesto que si yo no pago los diezmos no soy una persona digna y me hicieron sentir muy mal, años más tarde ayude a una familia, di todo en cuanto yo les pudiera ayudar y te digo que fui bendecida ni siquiera había ido a la iglesia medite esta situación varios años luche contra todo lo que había aceptado y llegue a la siguiente conclución que he visto todas las religiones y todas son fanaticas de diferentes denominaciones que dicen que es el deseo de Dios, la santidad esta en tus acciones y el coraje ya a favor del que no puede defenderse y la bondad...lo que Dios quiere esta en tu mente y corazón, por lo que tu decides que hacer cada día, un buen hombre o no...bueno james espero que te pueda haber ayudado un poco.

bye

Taryn de Chile

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Permalink Reply by Xiban on January 7, 2011 at 5:04pm

Totalmente de acuerdo;al final yo también llegué a esa conclusión Taryn!!

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Permalink Reply by Larry on May 7, 2010 at 6:37am

James, I just want to say congratulations on coming out. You're not alone. I always smile and say ALL RIGHT when I drive around Happy Valley and see more and more of my brothers wearing muscle shirts, drinking coffee (Have you seen the Orem Starbucks? It's almost always crowded) I digress. I used to look for the 'celestial smile' now I look to see if it's not there!!
I think more and more people are opening their eyes to the manipulation tactics of the church.
I too have a TBM wife, only she is bi-polar and has her bad days of not handling my decision to leave TSCC. A couple of weeks ago the shit hit the fan and with my decision and the pressures of work she decided to end her life. Thankfully, it didn't happen!!!!
I'm glad to see your communication lines are still open with your wife.
I think the most important thing is to remain happy about your new life. Hopefully people will see that you're still a great person and happy with who you are and that religion didn't make you that way, it was your choice all along.

I love my boxers (and NONE of them are white)!!!!!!!!!!!

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Permalink Reply by Beth P on May 21, 2010 at 8:52am

Dear James, Just a note from another that knows the feeling of being in outer darkness! I know how hard it is. Good thing you have the inner light to help you through it. I think you are doing the right thing, being true to your beliefs, and I think that you are sending an important message to your children and your wife. Keep on keeping on!

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Permalink Reply by Rodger Lee on April 4, 2011 at 6:20pm

James, don't beat yourself up. You are following your conscience and some good degree of reason. I agree with something someone else said here. Be true to yourself, first and foremost. Otherwise, you simply can't be an authentic partner to anyone else. It just becomes a game in the absurd. If it doesn't work out with your TBM wife, oh well. Life will go on, I can attest to that. It might even get a lot better. I left in 1985 after a mission and temple marriage. I've never regretted it. I got my life back and it is the authentic me vs some domesticated drone. I'll share the entire story if you ask and even willing to meet with you and discuss it all if you like... though it does scare me to venture into Utah County. LOL

Hang tough and best wishes,

Rodger