When you take your marriage vows, you make a promise or a covenant to your spouse.  It is a marriage contract, an agreement between two parties to love honor and cherish.  In a perfect world the vows are never broken and the couple lives happily ever after.  In the real world, people cheat on their spouses. In some cases the cheat and leave the marriage and go on with their lives.  In other cases the try very hard not to get caught in order to protect the business of marriage from failing or for many other reasons.

The person who cheats always becomes the villain. The argument being that cheating broke the marriage vows and the cheating party violated the marriage agreement and ruined the marriage.  In every case I know of where this has occurred, the cheating spouse was seen as the villain.

 I find it odd that people don’t look at the rest of the marriage contract or vows.  In a case I am familiar with the husband abused his wife physically, sexually and emotionally.   She did not have the financial means or family support to extract herself from the situation.  When she left her husband and people learned she had cheated, she was treated terribly while her spouse was surrounded by support, even from her family.

I know of husbands who physically and emotionally abused their wife. They seemed more affected by the cheating than anyone else, and yet they broke the wedding vows in a more violent and extreme way than the ones who cheated.  My opinion is that abuse by a husband is a control issue. The loss of control of their spouse and their inability to keep that control seems to almost destroy them from within.

Is cheating on your spouse really more of a violation of the wedding vows than being an abusive spouse?   In every case I’m aware of where cheating occurred, the party that attracted all of the sympathy was in fact the villain. I am curious to know other peoples thoughts on this subject.  

 

Thanks,

Devil Bar Kokhba 

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I have not known of women who were the cheaters, although I am certain the this takes place.I have only known of men who were mentally abusive, crazy manipulating, dangerously dishonest, terrifying...even murderous. Most of the ones that I have known personally also had sexual affairs outside of marriage. Mistresses they were providing for on the side while their spouse and children went without genuine support. Some were molesting children who were living in the family home. The wife was unaware, due to the fact that the spouse was very sly in his actions, even having his misdeeds covered over by his friends, his family and people he worked with. When the wives left these men, they were still cast as the villians for impoverishing the family and splitting up the marriage.

I do not think I answered the question right. Sorry about that. I hope others can give you an answer more on par with your question and what you are hoping to gain from the answer.

I agree with you ..

Reasons why i am glad i am single and financially independent. I think having a protected (healthy safe) with a man and being open about it without commitment is often far less dangerous and hypocrite than the kind of marriage above

Abuse and control is defiantly more harmful. There are couples that have a sexually open marriage and may belong to a swingers club. But I do not believe there are couples that have an open or mutually abusive relationship wear both are happy and satisfied.the key is respecting your partner as an individual with the option to chose how they wish to live and loving them for who they are not for what you want them to be.

I think it is kind of pointless to try and "measure" which action is worse. I think that inherently we would all cast both actions in a negative light, if not an abhorrent one.

My dad cheated on my mom several times, and although I wouldn't classify him as necessarily abusive I don't know that a broken marriage would be entirely absent of either action. I will say that as a child in that marriage,the cheating itself nearly destroyed me and still affects me to this day. I know my siblings would all agree with me on that issue.

I think what we really need is a call for more compassion. Obviously in the situation you described, people are casting their judgement without any understanding of the situation.

I so agree with your first sentence WoahNellie.

Your last sentence sums it up so well I could not improve on that. Well done!

 

In all fairness, I tried to think of women who were the abusers and or cheaters. At least among women that I have known in my life. Then I remembered a family I had known where the female was the cheater and the abuser. The husband was a State Police Officer for Idaho and on the SWAT team so this was a strange scenario. I had been good friends with the officer's second wife.

The first wife whom the man had tow children with had consistently cheated on him. She became pregnant with other men's children, then had them aborted. She would get in these rages and tried to run over her husband with her car. She beat on him, then she found an airline pilot who had other business adventures, and plenty of money. At this point she took it upon herself to divorce the spouse she was abusing. She went to court, got custody and child support. Her spouse was so distraught that he didn't fight for anything. After she married the pilot, they moved into a large home in a prestigious area, and still had her ex husband forced to pay child support for the children, when she did not need the money for the kids, except to buy them very expensive items, which they believed she herself was providing for them, while the father of the children was broke and could give them very little when they were with him.

So I guess your question about someone who has an affair with someone outside of the marriage when there is abuse is not something I have encountered. I have encountered violent, manipulating females, even murderous...but I have not been in a romantic relationship with them. I don't associate with these type of people either, not by choice anyway. As to your question on marriage vows and those who cheat because other vows of marraige were broken, I would need you to be more specific on what those vows are, and how cheating was the best option according to the marriage vows. I would think that once abuses, dishonesty and fear were involved in a marriage, that the vows of marriage were already badly breached. These type of people, male or female are highly skilled bullies, who are very good at convincing all advocates of the victim, that the victim is in the wrong. Children are turned against the victim, parents, siblings, friends etc. Bullies work on their game plan long before the victims ever figure out what is going on. It can be terrifying. It is the same experience that one encounters on a battle field. Quite tramatizing for everyone who has been victimized by these pre meditated bullies.

I also know many women who wanted to find a good husband to spend their life with and have a famitly and could not find one because either they did not really love them, did not treat them well and, in many cases, cheated on them.

Some times those who dump men are those who have been lied to, cheated upon and badly treated... so unless we have the full facts difficult to judge ...

As far as i am concerned, i find that marriage and love are often total disasters and, in all cases, very dangerous, since we never know what the other person can do and in this era of hiv and other problems ... it is best to be single and financially independent ... or open and safe . .. i prefer to be single and finacially independent since i see no point in casual or double life  relationship ... they alway s damage

And frankly, i do not think i will ever trust a man for anything

Cheating? No problem, just follow Joeseph Smith example and live gods law to Abraham.

Joseph Smith is the perfect example of what God did not want and what Abraham did was not God's law either ...

Funny how most religion have been made by men to suit their desire for multiple sex partners, power and money while denying women the same.

I think Joseph Smith was the perfect example of what religions should not be and the perfect example of what marriage should in no way be.

Women are  much better off alone and financilly independent than with this kind of horrific double standards and male run and ruled religion... and, to be true, much safer without a man in todays' world and that kind of horrific religion

Hope this doesn't sound bitter...Ok Devil Bar, so what you are saying is that the likes of say Emma Smith for instance, caused the marriage to break up first with her verbal, mental or physical abuse to Joseph which caused him to cheat. She had forgiven him many times and he continued to be a scum bag. There are great loving people who are not abusive who do marry the wrong people. People who can not control themselves. I am not saying that there are not situations like the ones you are talking about, I am sure there are. I am here to say there are people who will do others wrong no matter how good others are to them.

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